House Beautiful

Tag Archive for 'cranberries'

Men Tell All Recap: 7 Takeaways

mta2

Sorry this is so tardy and to add insult to injury, is gonna be so short.  Truth be told, I dove head-first into a bowl of tortilla chips & guac at Bach Night on Monday and then took a food nap through the 2nd half of the show.  Whoops.

whoops

Then my DVR sharted the bed and didn’t record so I never caught the last 30 min or so.  But it got pretty snoozy there for awhile… right?  Anyhoo – here are my observations from before I slipped into a Mexicoma:

1.  Truvy from Steel Magnolias DEF got her hands on Ashley S’s weave for the show.  It looked about like this.  Hey – go big or go home.

truvy

2.  Kubah hands-down beyond a shadow of a doubt shops in the Cabbage Patch Kid section of the Chippendale store.  His whole (re: Nick) “…some men have babies, some men had jobs they lost to come here” bit may’ve been a fair point, but I couldn’t take him seriously in that outfit.  I felt like he was about to bust out a Magic Mike XXL-esque routine.  To NIN.

Screen Shot 2015-07-22 at 8.41.59 AM

3.  The best thing anyone has ever said on this show – EVER – was that ‘Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an a$$ hole.’  (Tanner Bob Costas drops mic).  And I guess I’ll give Ian some snaps for at least sacking up and owning his behavior.  Cuz lots of boys don’t.  But he’s still a goober and I think he’ll still be hard-pressed to find a chick who’ll touch him with a 99.5 ft pole after his haughty shenanigans this season.  Sidenote: the camera didn’t pick it up but I’m pretty sure Bart’s eyeballs have lasers coming out of them right now.

ian-bachelorette-men-tell-all-season-11-abc

4.  These words taste like acid on fire rolled in feces coming out of my mouth but JJ’s hair and beard situation is MUCH improved.  I also think he read Covet Living and started sipping his red wine through a straw and using Crest Cupcake Whitestrips.  Hey.  You gotta love a guy who’s coachable.

Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 9.45.41 PM

Screen Shot 2015-07-21 at 9.45.28 PM

4.5. AH – can’t believe I almost forgot and I don’t have a pic but I give Jared the most improved player award.  Shaving the beard helped and I also think he may’ve had some powder on but nonetheless… lookin’ good Ace!  He also gets the kindest soul award.  What a good egg.  When he was talking about how hearing Linger still time warps him back to his whirlwind romance with Kaitlyn, I fist-bumped him long distance.  Cuz it still takes me back to parties in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement in 7th grade.

5.  You know who’s not coachable?  Cupcake.  Cuz I’m pretty sure I told him never to wear that jacket ever again.  Toofs look shiny & clean though!

cupcake

6.  Emily Henderson in the house (!)  What up girl!

emilyhenderson

7.  Excuse me one sec: Has Ben H gotten hotter in the last 10 minutes? fsjklfjdklajfl;kdjsalfjdksjfkldsjafl;kdas;lk LAWD.  That’s about enough to make me get a running start towards the casting office. In all seriousness, Ben is adorable but it’s not his Peter-Brady-boyish looks that make him such a dreamboat – it’s his humility.

ben-higgins-bachelorette-men-tell-all

That’s all I got Camps!  PS: Gus says wassup.

guzz

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelorette Recap: Week OHMYGYAH She Found Captain Winky in Nick’s Skinny Jeans

Sorry this post is – oh – a cool 3 days late.  My bad guys!  It was a *COUGH* ahem – busy week… with work, and well.  Ye know.  Recycling.

stella

Anyhow – better late than never, right??

Let’s kick off with some doppelgängers I cannot be-LIEVE I missed before, brought to me by my trusty buddies.  Hey.  It takes a village:

1.  Uncanny, Campers.  Ben H is Peter Brady.  Peter Brady is Ben H!  Finkle IS Einhorn (!!!!!)  Also… he’s *kind* of like the cutest Who from Whoville I’ve ever seen.

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.06.41 PM

2.  Even more uncanny… as if that were possible:

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.18.31 PM

3.  When I look at him, I feel really pressured to make a decision about whether I wanna order a Ham Slam, Scram slam, All-American slam or a Senior French Toast Slam.

denny's

4. “Things have gotten out of hand“???  Cupcake, sugar…  you know what’s out of hand is that jacket.

cupcake jacket

5.  One more Doppelganger, courtesy of my home skillet Alison from CofC.  Amazing.

Screen Shot 2015-06-25 at 8.39.56 PM

6.  I mean.  If he has to do a #2 SO badly, why doesn’t he just excuse himself and go drop the Cosby kids off at the pool already?  Cuz the only thing that could possibly explain the perma-grimace on his face is that he’s *constantly* thinking about how he’s gonna maneuver a brick through a drinking straw.

IMG_2581

7.  I love that Cookie Monster sandwiched his holier-than-thou speech about depth and substance with an intro about being a former model (so yucky) + how his ex was way hotter than Kaitlyn, and a caboose about how he just needed to have some sex. What a stand-up guy!  After his SUPER deep performance on the last few episodes, the only person that guy’s gonna be having sex with is his right palm. #dbagoftheyear

IMG_2554

8.  Sham-wow did make a funny during the funeral scene, which I enjoyed.  In other news, Sham-wow has some serious DSL’s.  And Sham-wow REAALLLY needs to tone down the meltdowns.  I feel like if somebody makes Sham-wow weaaawy mad, he’s gonna turn into the Incredible Hulk and his veins are gonna pop out of his head.

IMG_2578

9.  The whole funeral scene – while the eulogies were funny, and they went to great lengths to spin it as a celebration – it JYEST kinda felt like it was in poor taste…  was that just me??  Especially having Ben Z there for it.  I dunno – shouldn’t somebody have been a smidge more sensitive to him?

IMG_2588

10.  Children of the 90’s…  a moment of silence, please.  When I heard the first notes of “Linger,” I gasped, turned into one big goose bump, then time warped back to a party in 7th grade in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement – complete with strobe lights & plaid shirts & epic middle school crushes.  Then I shed one single tear in the name of nostalgia overload.

IMG_2589

11.  Can I call BS real fast?  So yo.  I’m not gonna shame her for letting Nick touch her where she pees… they’re consenting adults, yadda yadda.  Big kids make their own decisions.  But hearing her say she didn’t know this was going to happen / would never have done it if she had known it would cause anybody any problems – I meeeeeean, c’mon.  Girl you’re smart – ya knew.

IMG_2579

Also: what on earth would give her the idea that Nick might say something to the guys?  Cooooooould itbethefactthat (to everyone’s horror) Nick publicly outed Andi for boinking him in the fantasy suite?

fury

12.  I mean.  That is some go-go-gadget audio.  Good LAWD.  ((Earmuffs)) #nsftv

IMG_2595

Sorry so late and sorry so short!  Since people don’t normally comment, we don’t always know that anyone – besides Jayne, Tina and our other bestie Melissa – reads Covet Living.  But then I got inboxed about 100 nastygrams asking me where the post was.  Alright al-RIGHT!  I get it – I’ll do better next week.  xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

13.  PS oh NUTBUCKETS!  I forgot about taco night!  So, I host a gaggle of chicks at my house every Monday for the show.  This past week we did carnitas…  so err-buddy else brought taco fixins, and I did the pork.  I loathe touching raw meat, but this wasn’t so bad.  I used this recipe as a benchmark, but when Trader Joe’s didn’t have a 3 lb raw pork butt, I bought 3 packages of already-cooked / just needed to be heated carnitas:

DSC_02741

Instead of “microwaving” it per the package’s instructions (wuf), I emptied all 3 packs into a large glass bowl on Monday morning…  broke up the pork chunks into much smaller shreds…  then seasoned with the lime juice, salt, cumin, garlic cloves and orange juice that the recipe called for.  Let that marinate while I was at work, and when I came home, I popped it all in the dutch oven and heated it up on low, stirring occasionally.  Eventually, I dumped some regular taco seasoning, a little more cumin and a pinch more salt in, and THEN they were perfect:

IMG_2457

BOOM.  We garnished with gobs of cilantro, GOAT cheese (you heard me), fresh tomatoes from my girl Becky’s garden, and the most delicious homemade roasted tomato salsa I’ve ever had – courtesy of my girl Yesse’s family recipe that she’d prob have to kill me if she gave me.

IMG_2466

In other news, someone brought this over.  One of the best pinots I’ve had in a minute for SURE.  Grab some if you see it on the shelf.

IMG_2456

Steph's Scanned Signature