House Beautiful

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Men Tell All Recap: 7 Takeaways

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Sorry this is so tardy and to add insult to injury, is gonna be so short.  Truth be told, I dove head-first into a bowl of tortilla chips & guac at Bach Night on Monday and then took a food nap through the 2nd half of the show.  Whoops.

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Then my DVR sharted the bed and didn’t record so I never caught the last 30 min or so.  But it got pretty snoozy there for awhile… right?  Anyhoo – here are my observations from before I slipped into a Mexicoma:

1.  Truvy from Steel Magnolias DEF got her hands on Ashley S’s weave for the show.  It looked about like this.  Hey – go big or go home.

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2.  Kubah hands-down beyond a shadow of a doubt shops in the Cabbage Patch Kid section of the Chippendale store.  His whole (re: Nick) “…some men have babies, some men had jobs they lost to come here” bit may’ve been a fair point, but I couldn’t take him seriously in that outfit.  I felt like he was about to bust out a Magic Mike XXL-esque routine.  To NIN.

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3.  The best thing anyone has ever said on this show – EVER – was that ‘Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an a$$ hole.’  (Tanner Bob Costas drops mic).  And I guess I’ll give Ian some snaps for at least sacking up and owning his behavior.  Cuz lots of boys don’t.  But he’s still a goober and I think he’ll still be hard-pressed to find a chick who’ll touch him with a 99.5 ft pole after his haughty shenanigans this season.  Sidenote: the camera didn’t pick it up but I’m pretty sure Bart’s eyeballs have lasers coming out of them right now.

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4.  These words taste like acid on fire rolled in feces coming out of my mouth but JJ’s hair and beard situation is MUCH improved.  I also think he read Covet Living and started sipping his red wine through a straw and using Crest Cupcake Whitestrips.  Hey.  You gotta love a guy who’s coachable.

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4.5. AH – can’t believe I almost forgot and I don’t have a pic but I give Jared the most improved player award.  Shaving the beard helped and I also think he may’ve had some powder on but nonetheless… lookin’ good Ace!  He also gets the kindest soul award.  What a good egg.  When he was talking about how hearing Linger still time warps him back to his whirlwind romance with Kaitlyn, I fist-bumped him long distance.  Cuz it still takes me back to parties in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement in 7th grade.

5.  You know who’s not coachable?  Cupcake.  Cuz I’m pretty sure I told him never to wear that jacket ever again.  Toofs look shiny & clean though!

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6.  Emily Henderson in the house (!)  What up girl!

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7.  Excuse me one sec: Has Ben H gotten hotter in the last 10 minutes? fsjklfjdklajfl;kdjsalfjdksjfkldsjafl;kdas;lk LAWD.  That’s about enough to make me get a running start towards the casting office. In all seriousness, Ben is adorable but it’s not his Peter-Brady-boyish looks that make him such a dreamboat – it’s his humility.

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That’s all I got Camps!  PS: Gus says wassup.

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xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

Bach Recap Week 5: The Nick Redemption + Cookie Monster’s Rant

Last night, my hizzizzy was fulla smelly candles + Sangria popsicles (thanks Amanda!) + buffalo chicken dip (love you Becky!) + a big gaggle of gals.  And Prince Gus.  Otherwise known as loads-of-fun-on-a-Monday.

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If you didn’t have a chance to tune in, here’s what you missed:

1.  Hell hath no fury like a scorned group of dudes… or, like Bart’s hair today.  Even his weave is fired up.  Kid ‘n Play’s is lookin pretty aggressive, too.

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2.  Tanner isn’t Bob Costas.  He’s actually Barbara Walters in blue, playing hardball. Somebody get this guy a gig in investigative journalism, stat.

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3.  This is the most entertaining firing squad I’ve ever seen.  It’s like 900 big brothers putting the dude trying to date their sister in the hot seat and just lettin’ him have it. You also gotta appreciate that these guys – instead of running around whispering and making stink eyes at each other (*cough* which is maaaybe what chicks would do) – just sat down and hashed it out.  Sometimes boys get it right.

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4.  Timeout: Did White Fang just swim underwater for 3 days with his eyes open?  Somebody get this poor kid some Visine.

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5.  I love Ben Z but I gotta know what brand of mascara he wears.  Cuz it’s way better than mine.  Or maybe his eyes are just naturally that sparkly.

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6.  I didn’t actually know until last night that they make capri suit pants for men.  Also… those pink socks+ loafers.  I can’t deal.

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7.  I call this JJ’s “I’ve never SEEN an outdoor opera house THIS big!” face.

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8.  She so pretty.

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9.  Can’t the Bachelorette + Shark Tank pair up and invent a miracle sweat towel for the dudes on this show?  Like a Sham-Wow for your face?  PS I love that when he tried to tell her she had the wool pulled over her eyes she was all, “well, maybe you don’t trust him, but don’t you trust my judgment?”  Boom girlfriend.  PPS: somebody get that poor guy a Xanax + a cocktail, stat.  Cuz he’s boutah have a couple kinds of meltdowns.

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10. Chris Harrison is like a cute little groundhog swaddled in black wool who just crawled out from under 2nd base to do his one-liner for the night.

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11.  Dude somebody get poor Cupcake a muffin to wrap himself in.  The poor kid’s lips are blue.

12.  But I mean for real.  Single-handedly keeping Dep in business.  One $2.13 bottle at a time.  You know I love Bart (!)  I’m not knocking the kid – I’m actually mesmerized.

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13.  He’s the cutest.  Like, ever.

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14.  Raise your hand if you don’t wanna just go hang out and eat biscuits & gravy with GG.  Cuz I do.  She reminds me my super-southern GG (Vic!) and the cute little house dresses like that she used to wear while she made tomato sandwiches & quilts & stuff.

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15.  He had an ex who broke up with him because she “lost the chase”??!!!&$#^#^&#??  WHAT’S TO CHASE when you’re with this gem?  Girlfriend is straight cray.  I also love him for being honest enough to say that life was centered around his last relationship.  That’s a humbling thing to admit, but it’s been known to happen to the best of us.  Anyhoo – her loss / our gain.

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16.  I played college sports too, Princeton.  And in the athletic world, this is what we refer to as “choking in crunch time.” #painful

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17.  Conversely, this is what we call “rising to the occasion.”  By far the most entertaining thing that happened all night and (gulp) the best thing I’ve seen Nick do… “Ay ay ay ay – ay ay I love you!” …BAAAHAHAHAH.

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I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but Bed Head just grew on me.  Now.  If anyone needs me imma be sitting in the corner in timeout à la Ralphie for the next 6 days.

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18.  That’s a great plaid shirt, Sugar.

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19.  Calvin Harris should prob split his Xanax with this poor soul.  Dude needs to stop talking about Nick like, yesterday and keep his eye on the ball… though I can’t help but feel bad for him after the double whammy called THAT haircut + getting lobbed under the bus and left out in the cold by the other dudes.

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20.  I’m sorry.  He’s so sweet.  But he’s SOOOOOOO SERRRRRIOUS all the time. Goodness gracious.  This guy needs a whoopee cushion or some giggle juice or some jolt or somethin’.

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21.  “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.“??? | “I’m a Princeton Grad and a former model.“??? | “My ex was way hotter“???  Is this guy for real?  Modeled for what – Sesame Street?

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Ian = the narcissistic sleeper of the season.  WHAAAAAT A PRICK.  He pooped his pants in the mariachi thing and isn’t hacking it on the show or getting enough attention so he decided to pound his chest and be a jerk?  Great game plan.  Also – who do poop and movie quotes not work for, besides everyone (except this guy)?  Auf Wiedersehen, Cookie Monster.

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22.  Sidenote: I’m confused about why – if somebody had the clippers out – these two unfortunate situations weren’t remedied.

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All I got!

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature