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Men Tell All Recap: 7 Takeaways

mta2

Sorry this is so tardy and to add insult to injury, is gonna be so short.  Truth be told, I dove head-first into a bowl of tortilla chips & guac at Bach Night on Monday and then took a food nap through the 2nd half of the show.  Whoops.

whoops

Then my DVR sharted the bed and didn’t record so I never caught the last 30 min or so.  But it got pretty snoozy there for awhile… right?  Anyhoo – here are my observations from before I slipped into a Mexicoma:

1.  Truvy from Steel Magnolias DEF got her hands on Ashley S’s weave for the show.  It looked about like this.  Hey – go big or go home.

truvy

2.  Kubah hands-down beyond a shadow of a doubt shops in the Cabbage Patch Kid section of the Chippendale store.  His whole (re: Nick) “…some men have babies, some men had jobs they lost to come here” bit may’ve been a fair point, but I couldn’t take him seriously in that outfit.  I felt like he was about to bust out a Magic Mike XXL-esque routine.  To NIN.

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3.  The best thing anyone has ever said on this show – EVER – was that ‘Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an a$$ hole.’  (Tanner Bob Costas drops mic).  And I guess I’ll give Ian some snaps for at least sacking up and owning his behavior.  Cuz lots of boys don’t.  But he’s still a goober and I think he’ll still be hard-pressed to find a chick who’ll touch him with a 99.5 ft pole after his haughty shenanigans this season.  Sidenote: the camera didn’t pick it up but I’m pretty sure Bart’s eyeballs have lasers coming out of them right now.

ian-bachelorette-men-tell-all-season-11-abc

4.  These words taste like acid on fire rolled in feces coming out of my mouth but JJ’s hair and beard situation is MUCH improved.  I also think he read Covet Living and started sipping his red wine through a straw and using Crest Cupcake Whitestrips.  Hey.  You gotta love a guy who’s coachable.

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4.5. AH – can’t believe I almost forgot and I don’t have a pic but I give Jared the most improved player award.  Shaving the beard helped and I also think he may’ve had some powder on but nonetheless… lookin’ good Ace!  He also gets the kindest soul award.  What a good egg.  When he was talking about how hearing Linger still time warps him back to his whirlwind romance with Kaitlyn, I fist-bumped him long distance.  Cuz it still takes me back to parties in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement in 7th grade.

5.  You know who’s not coachable?  Cupcake.  Cuz I’m pretty sure I told him never to wear that jacket ever again.  Toofs look shiny & clean though!

cupcake

6.  Emily Henderson in the house (!)  What up girl!

emilyhenderson

7.  Excuse me one sec: Has Ben H gotten hotter in the last 10 minutes? fsjklfjdklajfl;kdjsalfjdksjfkldsjafl;kdas;lk LAWD.  That’s about enough to make me get a running start towards the casting office. In all seriousness, Ben is adorable but it’s not his Peter-Brady-boyish looks that make him such a dreamboat – it’s his humility.

ben-higgins-bachelorette-men-tell-all

That’s all I got Camps!  PS: Gus says wassup.

guzz

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelorette Recap, Week 847

1. I’ve seen and heard some whoppers on this show, but my jaw hit the floor and I think I heard the audible sound of my heart breaking when Ben admitted he’d REALLY loved the girl he was with before, that she hadn’t really loved him back, and that he was scared he was unlovable. That takes a lot of humility and a big man to say out loud.  Proof that we’re all human.

unlovable

2. I will never understand how she looks at Nick and doesn’t see Count Chocula.

Chocula

3. Bart – I expect better from you!  Ya didn’t do me proud bud.  We’re not in 7th grade anymore… don’t be a d*ck.

c'mon bart

Tangent: Slash remind me to tell you the wacktastic way I size people up… okay I’ll tell you now:  I’ve done this for YEARS whenever I can’t quite figure someone out, and it helps me apples-to-apples ’em.  I throw an imaginary Burris or CofC volleyball jersey on ’em and I think to myself, “Self – what kind of teammate would this person have been?  The naturally gifted but selfish/entitled player who wants all the glory and pouts when they don’t get it?  The player who chokes in crunch time? The player who doesn’t work hard in practice but just wants to show up for games? Or are they the team player who bares down and keeps a good attitude when things get tough?  Or pumps everybody else up when the score is 0-23 and it would be easier to just fold?”  It’s silly but putting someone in the context of an imaginary (adverse/athletic) situation always helps me discern peoples’ character.  It’s all fun and games – on the court and in real life – until sh*t gets tough; that’s when true colors emerge and you figure out who people really are.  What did Tom Hanks say in A League of Their Own?? (I used this in my Stryker interview, ps…  What up Romsey!  “It’s supposed to be hard.  If it wasn’t hard everyone else would do it.  The hard is what makes it great.“)


 
4. Is it freezing in Ireland, or did she just do a giant 8 ball? I’ve never seen anyone sniffle and touch their nose so much… then again *COUGH* this has been known to go on right under my roof nose. Pun intended.  In any case, some obliging suitor lend this girl a sleeve.

5. Did I miss a doppel?  This one’s a bit far-fetched… and maybe it’s because they both kinda look like White Fang.  Or maybe it’s because I’m trying to throw Denny’s a bone since I’ve busted his chops all season and he really is a good kid.

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6. Darlin don’t use your sleeve! Go grab a $#^@#&-ing Sham-Wow for &$#^’s sake. I’ve been telling you this for WEEKS. Now hand it to Kaitlyn so she can blow her nose.

sham wow 2

7. I was sure a bomb was gonna go off on set when Kaitlyn told him she’d let Nick play in her underpants… then for a second I was totally admiring Shawn’s restraint… but in the end I realized that he probably did the equivalent of swallowing a grenade, cuz a blood vessel DEF popped out of his head.

blood vessel

8. Fair point: “you told me I was the one, then (let Nick touch you where you pee)… Why would you jeopardize that?” // Fair answer: “At the end of this, I will never explore another relationship.” I say it’s a tie.

9. She was making a whole lotta sense until she kinda scolded Shawn and told him that he needed to trust her.  Uh, not sure you’ve earned that peanut.  Pretty sure this was what my face looked like at that moment:

huh

10. Is there a westerly wind permanently blowing his hair into that ‘do? Is the left side of his head a helipad? I don’t get it.

helicopter land on his head

11. But for real – who wrote this speech?  Cuz those weren’t her words… it was like watching a 4th grader try to remember her lines in the school play.

feeding her lines

12. Timeout timeout: his name is “Jarrod”??  I honestly never knew.  Slash, Classiest exit in Bachelor History. What a stand-up guy. I died once last night with Ben H’s “unlovable” bit, but I died again watching Denny’s shed strawberry milkshake tears.

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13. You know I hate to give Nick props but that’s a great DILF sweater.

dilf sweater

14. I choked on my own verp when I heard Nick say, “…but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you.” -ew, Felicia.  He may be charming and he may be able to feed a girl a line, but it’s always coated in such a slimy residue.  Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to mind. #hooklineandsinker

ew

15. I’ll give him/them props though – this was REAL cute. They do seem to really be two peas in a pod.

morning

16. Duuuuuude easy on the testosterone. You know Nick’s not my first choice but Shawn didn’t even let the poor guy get a word in edgewise. The only time Nick could’ve possibly interjected was when Sham-Wow paused to purse his DSLs for dramatic effect.

lip purse

17. Omgomgongomgomg – this is amazing.  #canthardlywait

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18. Somber side note: this one’s tough to swallow.  I saw this movie in the theater with my Mom when I was a kiddo and loved her (didn’t we all??) and her white suede jacket.  RIP Cindy Mancini.

Cindy Mancini

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

 





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