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Bachelor Finale: The Whitney Monologues, I Love Mrs. Chris, & Britt Blasphemy

First, let’s set the scene.  This is what my house looks like on Monday nights… there are more bottles of wine and more Papa John’s dipping sauces than there are people. No one comes over in real clothes – just sweatpants and fuzzy socks.  It is glorious.

vino night

pizza at my house

1. Did Chris Harrison just air quote Kelsey?  BWHADHSJAKHDJSKAH.  Classic.

1 - air quotes

2. Gettin ready for a flood, big fella?  Maybe a snowstorm?  What’s with the capris?

2 - capris

3. Not that I don’t appreciate his affinity for the word “extremely,” but I think this Christmas, I’m going to send Chris a thesaurus with a big red bow.  Or, maybe just this:

Extremely Synonyms

4. I wish I could’ve snapped a shot to sufficiently capture it, but why does Whitney walk like her arms dare not touch the side of her body and like she’s high-stepping over tall patches of grass?

5. That toast at the dinner table?  Sniff.  So listen… Whitney talks A LOT.  And she talks at a helium-sucking octave only dolphins can hear – the kind that opens garage doors – but she’s breakin’ my damn heart.  And Mr. Chris’ heart.  (See the single tear??)

5 - single tear mr chris

6.  THIS was the cutest thing I ever did see.  All the little peanuts (!)

6 - adorable

7. Just for em-phass-iss, here’s a transcription of Chris trying to explain to his sisters what was so special about Becca, and fumbling/stuttering all over himself:

I don’t know what it is about Becca… but… there’s a certain chemistry I have with her that’s hard to find.  She’s… (10 second pause) witty… she’s (5 second pause) charming…  she’s not as outgoing as Whitney, but she can charm the pants off of you if she wants… (gazes to cornfield for answers)…

defending becca

uhhhh… uhhhh… she’s… she’s…. (20 second pause)…  athletic… she’s…. she has… I dunno.  She’s kinda… (gazes at his friends the cows for a lifeline)… she’s also very grounded and very… (insert impatient look from sister with short hair, like she’s gotta pee and wants to know when the real answer’s comin’ and if she has time to run to the can real fast)…

sisters

….Becca’s someone who can ground me… I think… not that I’m not grounded, but… (more cows)… she has certain qualities that are different, but… (perplexed look)… pretty cool.”

And if you think that was hard for you to read, then multiply it by 10 and that’s how painful it was to watch.

8.  Lori = my favorite sister and also = the doppelgänger for my old friend Missy Firestone.  What up girl!?

lori

9.  When I saw T-H-I-S… Chris like a giddy school boy waiting for Becca to get out of the SUV and not being able to contain himself, I almost started helping Whitney pack.  It really was Becca’s game to lose.

i love becca

10.  TIMEOUT:  Possessionista – what nail color is this?  These are the things I rely on you for.  Please and thanks.

polish

11.  Please excuse my love affair with Mrs. Chris, but at least I’m consistent – I adored her last season, too.  This here is the woman I wanna throw back Blue Moons with on a Saturday afternoon, while we have a deep-throated cackle fest.  Then hug and bake brownies.  While she scratches my head and teaches me life lessons.

linda2

linda1

linda hug

12.  “Chris is an amazing man, and I haven’t been able to say that about anyone in a really long time.” Como-say-HUH? …like since when?  Since the Phi Delta Gamma winter formal?  What a sweetie pie she is, but seriously – she just got boobs last semester.

becca

13.  On a sidenote: she looks more & more stunning every episode.  Prettiest slice of Melba toast I ever did see.  Slash do we think Chris filed these in the spank bank?

becca is stunning

stunner

14. Timeout: Who’s the “California girl” who “didn’t wanna come to Iowa“?

15.  Mrs. Chris = Yoda.

Linda Soules Quote, Covet Living

16. I call this series, “Hey Whit!  Did you check in for your flight yet?” …YIKES.  You know I love #whitneyforpresident, because I think she is a diplomatic, caring, wonderful soul, but I didn’t see him all entangled like a twisty vine and gazing at her like this.  Thank heavens Whitney’s not watching the show… #seenoevilhearnoevil

loves her

hands

17.  If there are no chiropractic jobs in Arlington, then the silver lining is that Becca has a promising future as a ventriloquist.

18.  “I can’t make any promises on a timeline of when I would be ready to move and pick up my life” = (me shaking head), see ya sister.  Nobody wants to be put on hold indefinitely, and that’s a tough one to stick around for.  Indecision is still a decision, love nut.  Chris is a smart man for realizing that.

FullSizeRender_6

i can't move

19. This was like a field trip we would’ve taken in Mrs. Wickersham’s 4th grade class to a corn field near by.  That was the most scientific definition of farming I’ve ever heard: “It’s pullin it up and poppin it in.”  And bless Whitney’s heart for acting like Chris just made water out of wine (or is it wine out of water?)… She’ll be a really great mom.

corn is amazing

20.  I know the producers can edit things to tell whatever story they want…  but there were so many schmoopy, sugary monologues that I think I started ear-muffing at one point.   She was REALLY sellin’ it.  And they may’ve hid all the footage where Chris acted as into her as he was to Becca, but they couldn’t invent Chris’ uncomfortable body language towards her.  Something just doesn’t add up here… you know I always rooted for Whitney, but am I nuts?

speech

21.  God love ‘er.  Do you think she noticed that she was the ONLY one talking in almost every scene, including the proposal???  I literally woke up in the middle of the night and saw her mouth moving in fast forward and felt my head spinning, but heard no words coming out.  Just noise.

polyanna

22.  It’s Girl Scout cookie time!!!  Hey.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my old friend, PG.

Power Gut

23.  I am crossing my fingers that Chris doesn’t have to hit an E! Red Carpet Mani Cam with those puppies, cuz kiddies the world over would be screaming if they saw those things walking down the mani cami cat walk at ’em.  Does he trim them with a chainsaw?  Somebody get that boy a mani… ‘fore he accidentally slits his new DWTS partner’s throat with his index fingernail.

pretty mani

24.  Does Becca actually feel anything on the inside?  …It’s a legitimate question.  Remember when he let her go and she didn’t even flinch?

no emotion

25.  Somebody fetch Whitney a Xanax fer &$#%^’s sake.  Or a paper bag.

26.  Good for them – I hope they make it.  Who knows what really happens behind closed doors, or off camera.  She obviously loves all of him – including his dolphin laugh and his jagged mani… and he obviously loves her bouncy white Pollyanna tendrils and squeaky voice.

maybe they're in love

27.  Why does he seem so nervous during After the Final Rose?  Like he’s waiting for a bomb to go off.  I’m tellin’ ya.  There’s some kind of lingering tension that just doesn’t feel right.

uhhh

28.  “Bottom line was Becca wasn’t into you” = Bahahahha, ouch, Jimmy Kimmel.  But probably true.  What do you guys think?

jimmy

29.  I threatened not to watch if they made Britt the Bachelorette, and I told someone who works on the show that I would literally stick a spork in one of my eyeballs if they chose her…  and I said it cuz I honestly thought there was NO WAY she would make the cut after her toddler temper tantrum(s) heard round the world… What is this, 6-and-under T-ball?  It’s like she cried and acted like a petulant child when she didn’t get her way, so ABC gave her a lollipop – otherwise known as a shot on the Bachelorette.  And that unstoppable flood of tears from last week dried up REAL fast – like, as fast as toddler tears the second you hand them a treat.  I’m just confused why we’re rewarding such disingenuous behavior… and why Kaitlyn, who is totally deserving of being the Bachelorette, now has the share the throne in what is going to become a sad “which girl is hotter?” contest.  Did you guys read what Sean Lowe wrote about it being totally degrading?  He’s TOTALLY right.

Britt and Kaitlyn

30. Possessionista: where’s Kaitlyn’s ring from?

Kaitlyn

31.  Timeout: the girl in the blue behind Ashley is my college v-ball teammate and co-captain, Shawn Beckham!  What up, girl!!!

Shawn Beckham

Shawn Beckham2

32.  This is the last and maybe the only serious thing I have to say, and it’s perhaps why my love for Chris’ family – particularly his mother – hits so deep and so close to home: Because any parent in the world who behaves in ANY fashion other than the way Chris’ parents behaved – which is to not only treat their own children with respect, but to also treat the people their children love with respect and kindness – well… if you’re a parent and you find yourself doing anything else, or worse – doing the polar opposite, you should *probably* go back to the drawing board and check yourself, check your moral compass and check your motives.  And reconsider whether or not you really have your kids’ best interest at heart… or solely your own. Because to behave in any other way than the way that Chris’ parents did is just a crying shame, and no one deserves it… least of all, your kids.  And antagonizing the people your kids love doesn’t do anything to ensure that you’ll never be alone… but it does ensure that after you’re gone, your kids will.

In Laws

That’s all I got!  If you’re new to this blog, then please – stick around!  Snoop around! I’m Stephanie, Karrie and I are lifelong pals, and when I’m not rapping on Tuesdays about the Bach, this blog is really – at its core – a lifestyle/decor blog (with a soul)… below are a few posts readers loved that you may also wanna check out… (you can also follow us on Insta – Steph | Karrie):

{ON SUMMER FASHION} Effortlessly Cool 

effortlessly cool

{ON LOVE} 10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

marriage

{DIY} DIY Dining Chair Redo

DIY-Dining-Chair-Before-and-After-Covet-Living

{ON THINGS WE LOVE} Currently Loving…

spring dress

{ON TAKING RISKS} California, Here I Come!

Covet-Living-Palm-Trees

{ON WISE WORDS} Words to Live By

words to live by

{ON FOOD} BBQ Turkey Meatballs with Cheddar Corn Quinoa

bbq chicken meatballs

xoxo!!!

Steph's Scanned Signature

Q&A with Rob Mills, aka The Big Bachelor Kahuna, aka The Only Person We Want to Speak With Today

Screen Shot 2015-03-08 at 9.58.26 PM

Who is Rob Mills, you ask??  “Millsy,” as we like to call him (Twitter handle = @millsy11374) is none other than a Senior VP at ABC Entertainment.  Ye know – NBD. And on the morning of the day that is like the Super Bowl of reality TV finales – where both Chris Soules’ heart and the Bachelorette crown are still anybody’s game – Millsy graciously agreed to do a little round of ping pong Q&A with us.

Q: Where do you hail from?

A: Glastonbury, CT

Q: Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever visited?

A: Probably a tie between Switzerland and Tahiti, both of which I went to courtesy of The Bachelor/ette.

Q: If you had a personal theme song, what would it be?

A: Hmmm….I feel like that changes all the time. Right now let’s say “Lunatic Fringe” by Red Rider.

Q: If you came to one of Steph’s Monday night parties, what party favor would you bring?

Bach party

A:  Roses of course! As well as a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.

Q:  K.  Now that we’ve gotchoo all acquainted, level with us for a sec: How do some of these girls manage to pass the psych tests before they go on the show? …seriously.  Cuz the folks at home all know that most seasons, there are just a few “special” gems that are a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

Crayzays

A:  They are all tested and they ALL pass. We take it very seriously… even if we do make them fill it out in crayon.

Q:  Favorite Bachelor / Bachelorette of all time?  Favorite Bachelor(ette) couple of all time?

A:  I love them all and they are all tied for first. That being said, I will always have a special place in my heart for Brad Womack. That guy is awesome.

Brad Womack

I love all the couples as well. As really funny and fun. I do think Jason and Molly had to endure the most and they’re really cool people so let’s say them!

JasonandMolly

Q:  Of all the dating & reality TV shows out there, watching the Bach is like a national pastime.  Why do you think people in America (*cough*) like Steph are so invested in the show?

A:  I wish I knew! I think it’s the combination of comedy (intentional and unintentional) and the fact it’s cast so well that you really care about everyone on the show.

Q:  Other than yours truly, who are some of your favorite Bachelor(ette) commentators?  Jason Biggs and his wife (Jenny Mollen), Anna Kendrick and Possessionista crack us up – anyone else we should be following for a good chuckle every Monday night Tuesday morning?

A:  Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family live tweets and is hysterical. Also, if you don’t know about @bachelorburnbk you’re missing out.  Also Andrea Lavinthal, Jennifer Weiner, One Chicklette and Emily L. Foley are all great tweeters from Bachelornation.

Q:  We know you can’t tell us who the next Bachelorette is (pleaseletitbekaitlynpkeaseletitbekaitlyn), but can you give us a clue??

A: Watch Monday and watch closely.  All I can say is you’re not going to want to miss this!

Sidenote: We had some further chatter about this after the Q&A, and also heard some other rumblings which led us to believe that there is going to be a MAJOR curveball when it comes to tonight’s Bachelorette selection.  Like, ma-jor.  Steph’s prediction? They do something outta left field, like bring Nikki Ferrell back… or even pull a Brad Womack and do Andi Dorfman Part Deux (but that’s probably too soon). Confession – we might be more excited for this revelation than to see who Chris actually picks. #oosie

Nikk-Ferrell

Q: Put yourself in the girls’ shoes for a second: would YOU move to the thriving metropolis of Arlington, Iowa if it meant being the future Mrs. Prince Farming?

farmerChris2

A:  REALLY good question. I live in Los Angeles but do love the pleasures of small town America (as I assume you girls do as well, or do you not miss Mellencamp country?) and could totally do it.  Plus, the one thing we haven’t really shown you about Chris is he’s really funny.  It would be a good life.  Maybe that’s tomorrow’s shocking twist and I end up with him.

Q:  Best part of working on the show.  Go.

A:  Honestly… working with amazing producers and crew and also how much joy this show brings to people.

Q:  Last but not least: For all those souls out there looking for love and dying to throw their hats in the ring for upcoming seasons, what are the 3 qualities you guys look for when you’re casting.

A:  An outgoing personality, an at least cursory knowledge of yourself and a sense of fun. 

Shtoophy (Karrie’s note: *Ahem, Bachelor producers, I’ve got the girl for you… you’re welcome)

(Steph’s note: *Karrie, just for that, the abominable snowman pic of you is hitting the streets this week.)

Thanks fer playin’, Millsy!!!  If anyone needs us, we’ll be chomping at the bit and anxiously awaiting tonight’s finale.

Cheers!!

Karrie & Steph





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