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Bachelorette Recap, Week 847

1. I’ve seen and heard some whoppers on this show, but my jaw hit the floor and I think I heard the audible sound of my heart breaking when Ben admitted he’d REALLY loved the girl he was with before, that she hadn’t really loved him back, and that he was scared he was unlovable. That takes a lot of humility and a big man to say out loud.  Proof that we’re all human.

unlovable

2. I will never understand how she looks at Nick and doesn’t see Count Chocula.

Chocula

3. Bart – I expect better from you!  Ya didn’t do me proud bud.  We’re not in 7th grade anymore… don’t be a d*ck.

c'mon bart

Tangent: Slash remind me to tell you the wacktastic way I size people up… okay I’ll tell you now:  I’ve done this for YEARS whenever I can’t quite figure someone out, and it helps me apples-to-apples ’em.  I throw an imaginary Burris or CofC volleyball jersey on ’em and I think to myself, “Self – what kind of teammate would this person have been?  The naturally gifted but selfish/entitled player who wants all the glory and pouts when they don’t get it?  The player who chokes in crunch time? The player who doesn’t work hard in practice but just wants to show up for games? Or are they the team player who bares down and keeps a good attitude when things get tough?  Or pumps everybody else up when the score is 0-23 and it would be easier to just fold?”  It’s silly but putting someone in the context of an imaginary (adverse/athletic) situation always helps me discern peoples’ character.  It’s all fun and games – on the court and in real life – until sh*t gets tough; that’s when true colors emerge and you figure out who people really are.  What did Tom Hanks say in A League of Their Own?? (I used this in my Stryker interview, ps…  What up Romsey!  “It’s supposed to be hard.  If it wasn’t hard everyone else would do it.  The hard is what makes it great.“)


 
4. Is it freezing in Ireland, or did she just do a giant 8 ball? I’ve never seen anyone sniffle and touch their nose so much… then again *COUGH* this has been known to go on right under my roof nose. Pun intended.  In any case, some obliging suitor lend this girl a sleeve.

5. Did I miss a doppel?  This one’s a bit far-fetched… and maybe it’s because they both kinda look like White Fang.  Or maybe it’s because I’m trying to throw Denny’s a bone since I’ve busted his chops all season and he really is a good kid.

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6. Darlin don’t use your sleeve! Go grab a $#^@#&-ing Sham-Wow for &$#^’s sake. I’ve been telling you this for WEEKS. Now hand it to Kaitlyn so she can blow her nose.

sham wow 2

7. I was sure a bomb was gonna go off on set when Kaitlyn told him she’d let Nick play in her underpants… then for a second I was totally admiring Shawn’s restraint… but in the end I realized that he probably did the equivalent of swallowing a grenade, cuz a blood vessel DEF popped out of his head.

blood vessel

8. Fair point: “you told me I was the one, then (let Nick touch you where you pee)… Why would you jeopardize that?” // Fair answer: “At the end of this, I will never explore another relationship.” I say it’s a tie.

9. She was making a whole lotta sense until she kinda scolded Shawn and told him that he needed to trust her.  Uh, not sure you’ve earned that peanut.  Pretty sure this was what my face looked like at that moment:

huh

10. Is there a westerly wind permanently blowing his hair into that ‘do? Is the left side of his head a helipad? I don’t get it.

helicopter land on his head

11. But for real – who wrote this speech?  Cuz those weren’t her words… it was like watching a 4th grader try to remember her lines in the school play.

feeding her lines

12. Timeout timeout: his name is “Jarrod”??  I honestly never knew.  Slash, Classiest exit in Bachelor History. What a stand-up guy. I died once last night with Ben H’s “unlovable” bit, but I died again watching Denny’s shed strawberry milkshake tears.

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13. You know I hate to give Nick props but that’s a great DILF sweater.

dilf sweater

14. I choked on my own verp when I heard Nick say, “…but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you.” -ew, Felicia.  He may be charming and he may be able to feed a girl a line, but it’s always coated in such a slimy residue.  Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to mind. #hooklineandsinker

ew

15. I’ll give him/them props though – this was REAL cute. They do seem to really be two peas in a pod.

morning

16. Duuuuuude easy on the testosterone. You know Nick’s not my first choice but Shawn didn’t even let the poor guy get a word in edgewise. The only time Nick could’ve possibly interjected was when Sham-Wow paused to purse his DSLs for dramatic effect.

lip purse

17. Omgomgongomgomg – this is amazing.  #canthardlywait

ash2

18. Somber side note: this one’s tough to swallow.  I saw this movie in the theater with my Mom when I was a kiddo and loved her (didn’t we all??) and her white suede jacket.  RIP Cindy Mancini.

Cindy Mancini

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

 

Bachelorette Recap: The Shawn Monologues + Cupcake on a Cliff + Karrie chimes in!

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Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey.  Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:

bach pregame

That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8.  And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work.  Moving along:

1.  Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse.  And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister.  Both uncanny – bravo, girls!  #ittakesavillage

ben h peter brady shawn alf

2.  Boop!  A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?

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Even Bart is confused.

bart doesn't get it either

3.  I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.

thumb war

4.  So but for real:  What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!?  Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner?  ………….it won.

JJ Teeth

5.  This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials.  Exhausting.  Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.

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Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.

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6.  Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow??  Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue.  What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident??  I don’t even wanna think about it.

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7.  So listen.  I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.24.16 AM

8.  Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.

bens

First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud.  The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.

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Then there’s Ben H.  He’s damn precious.

ben h

9.  On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.35.44 AM

She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA.  Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text:  “OOPSIE!  I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after!  Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING).  Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor.  I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.

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10.  Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring.  Her jewelry game is on point this season.

ring

And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game.  Stunner.

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11.  I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.”  Sing it sister.

12.  Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives?  Jiminy Christmas.

days of our lives

13.  Is that Visine or are those real tears?

visine or tears

14.  This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.

IMG_2808
I demand a recount.  Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus??  Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about??  Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.51.54 AM

15.  I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard.  I know they’re in there somewhere.

grass-510x738

16.  I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night.  It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller.  I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod

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17.  Dear Ben H:  Wanna spoon?  Love, Me.

spoon

18.  Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 7.38.01 AM

cupcake sad 3

Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.”  Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l

karrie steph

((Drops mic))  See you next week!

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

with a special guest appearance by Karrie

 





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