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Bachelorette Recap: The Shawn Monologues + Cupcake on a Cliff + Karrie chimes in!

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Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey.  Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:

bach pregame

That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8.  And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work.  Moving along:

1.  Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse.  And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister.  Both uncanny – bravo, girls!  #ittakesavillage

ben h peter brady shawn alf

2.  Boop!  A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?

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Even Bart is confused.

bart doesn't get it either

3.  I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.

thumb war

4.  So but for real:  What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!?  Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner?  ………….it won.

JJ Teeth

5.  This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials.  Exhausting.  Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.

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Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.

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6.  Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow??  Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue.  What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident??  I don’t even wanna think about it.

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7.  So listen.  I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:

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8.  Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.

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First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud.  The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.

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Then there’s Ben H.  He’s damn precious.

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9.  On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:

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She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA.  Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text:  “OOPSIE!  I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after!  Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING).  Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor.  I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.

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10.  Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring.  Her jewelry game is on point this season.

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And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game.  Stunner.

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11.  I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.”  Sing it sister.

12.  Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives?  Jiminy Christmas.

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13.  Is that Visine or are those real tears?

visine or tears

14.  This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.

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I demand a recount.  Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus??  Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about??  Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.

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15.  I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard.  I know they’re in there somewhere.

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16.  I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night.  It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller.  I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod

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17.  Dear Ben H:  Wanna spoon?  Love, Me.

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18.  Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.

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Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.”  Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l

karrie steph

((Drops mic))  See you next week!

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

with a special guest appearance by Karrie

 

Q&A with Rob Mills, aka The Big Bachelor Kahuna, aka The Only Person We Want to Speak With Today

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Who is Rob Mills, you ask??  “Millsy,” as we like to call him (Twitter handle = @millsy11374) is none other than a Senior VP at ABC Entertainment.  Ye know – NBD. And on the morning of the day that is like the Super Bowl of reality TV finales – where both Chris Soules’ heart and the Bachelorette crown are still anybody’s game – Millsy graciously agreed to do a little round of ping pong Q&A with us.

Q: Where do you hail from?

A: Glastonbury, CT

Q: Where’s the coolest place you’ve ever visited?

A: Probably a tie between Switzerland and Tahiti, both of which I went to courtesy of The Bachelor/ette.

Q: If you had a personal theme song, what would it be?

A: Hmmm….I feel like that changes all the time. Right now let’s say “Lunatic Fringe” by Red Rider.

Q: If you came to one of Steph’s Monday night parties, what party favor would you bring?

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A:  Roses of course! As well as a bottle of Sauvignon Blanc.

Q:  K.  Now that we’ve gotchoo all acquainted, level with us for a sec: How do some of these girls manage to pass the psych tests before they go on the show? …seriously.  Cuz the folks at home all know that most seasons, there are just a few “special” gems that are a few sandwiches short of a picnic.

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A:  They are all tested and they ALL pass. We take it very seriously… even if we do make them fill it out in crayon.

Q:  Favorite Bachelor / Bachelorette of all time?  Favorite Bachelor(ette) couple of all time?

A:  I love them all and they are all tied for first. That being said, I will always have a special place in my heart for Brad Womack. That guy is awesome.

Brad Womack

I love all the couples as well. As really funny and fun. I do think Jason and Molly had to endure the most and they’re really cool people so let’s say them!

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Q:  Of all the dating & reality TV shows out there, watching the Bach is like a national pastime.  Why do you think people in America (*cough*) like Steph are so invested in the show?

A:  I wish I knew! I think it’s the combination of comedy (intentional and unintentional) and the fact it’s cast so well that you really care about everyone on the show.

Q:  Other than yours truly, who are some of your favorite Bachelor(ette) commentators?  Jason Biggs and his wife (Jenny Mollen), Anna Kendrick and Possessionista crack us up – anyone else we should be following for a good chuckle every Monday night Tuesday morning?

A:  Eric Stonestreet from Modern Family live tweets and is hysterical. Also, if you don’t know about @bachelorburnbk you’re missing out.  Also Andrea Lavinthal, Jennifer Weiner, One Chicklette and Emily L. Foley are all great tweeters from Bachelornation.

Q:  We know you can’t tell us who the next Bachelorette is (pleaseletitbekaitlynpkeaseletitbekaitlyn), but can you give us a clue??

A: Watch Monday and watch closely.  All I can say is you’re not going to want to miss this!

Sidenote: We had some further chatter about this after the Q&A, and also heard some other rumblings which led us to believe that there is going to be a MAJOR curveball when it comes to tonight’s Bachelorette selection.  Like, ma-jor.  Steph’s prediction? They do something outta left field, like bring Nikki Ferrell back… or even pull a Brad Womack and do Andi Dorfman Part Deux (but that’s probably too soon). Confession – we might be more excited for this revelation than to see who Chris actually picks. #oosie

Nikk-Ferrell

Q: Put yourself in the girls’ shoes for a second: would YOU move to the thriving metropolis of Arlington, Iowa if it meant being the future Mrs. Prince Farming?

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A:  REALLY good question. I live in Los Angeles but do love the pleasures of small town America (as I assume you girls do as well, or do you not miss Mellencamp country?) and could totally do it.  Plus, the one thing we haven’t really shown you about Chris is he’s really funny.  It would be a good life.  Maybe that’s tomorrow’s shocking twist and I end up with him.

Q:  Best part of working on the show.  Go.

A:  Honestly… working with amazing producers and crew and also how much joy this show brings to people.

Q:  Last but not least: For all those souls out there looking for love and dying to throw their hats in the ring for upcoming seasons, what are the 3 qualities you guys look for when you’re casting.

A:  An outgoing personality, an at least cursory knowledge of yourself and a sense of fun. 

Shtoophy (Karrie’s note: *Ahem, Bachelor producers, I’ve got the girl for you… you’re welcome)

(Steph’s note: *Karrie, just for that, the abominable snowman pic of you is hitting the streets this week.)

Thanks fer playin’, Millsy!!!  If anyone needs us, we’ll be chomping at the bit and anxiously awaiting tonight’s finale.

Cheers!!

Karrie & Steph





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