House Beautiful

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Men Tell All Recap: 7 Takeaways

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Sorry this is so tardy and to add insult to injury, is gonna be so short.  Truth be told, I dove head-first into a bowl of tortilla chips & guac at Bach Night on Monday and then took a food nap through the 2nd half of the show.  Whoops.

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Then my DVR sharted the bed and didn’t record so I never caught the last 30 min or so.  But it got pretty snoozy there for awhile… right?  Anyhoo – here are my observations from before I slipped into a Mexicoma:

1.  Truvy from Steel Magnolias DEF got her hands on Ashley S’s weave for the show.  It looked about like this.  Hey – go big or go home.

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2.  Kubah hands-down beyond a shadow of a doubt shops in the Cabbage Patch Kid section of the Chippendale store.  His whole (re: Nick) “…some men have babies, some men had jobs they lost to come here” bit may’ve been a fair point, but I couldn’t take him seriously in that outfit.  I felt like he was about to bust out a Magic Mike XXL-esque routine.  To NIN.

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3.  The best thing anyone has ever said on this show – EVER – was that ‘Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an a$$ hole.’  (Tanner Bob Costas drops mic).  And I guess I’ll give Ian some snaps for at least sacking up and owning his behavior.  Cuz lots of boys don’t.  But he’s still a goober and I think he’ll still be hard-pressed to find a chick who’ll touch him with a 99.5 ft pole after his haughty shenanigans this season.  Sidenote: the camera didn’t pick it up but I’m pretty sure Bart’s eyeballs have lasers coming out of them right now.

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4.  These words taste like acid on fire rolled in feces coming out of my mouth but JJ’s hair and beard situation is MUCH improved.  I also think he read Covet Living and started sipping his red wine through a straw and using Crest Cupcake Whitestrips.  Hey.  You gotta love a guy who’s coachable.

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4.5. AH – can’t believe I almost forgot and I don’t have a pic but I give Jared the most improved player award.  Shaving the beard helped and I also think he may’ve had some powder on but nonetheless… lookin’ good Ace!  He also gets the kindest soul award.  What a good egg.  When he was talking about how hearing Linger still time warps him back to his whirlwind romance with Kaitlyn, I fist-bumped him long distance.  Cuz it still takes me back to parties in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement in 7th grade.

5.  You know who’s not coachable?  Cupcake.  Cuz I’m pretty sure I told him never to wear that jacket ever again.  Toofs look shiny & clean though!

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6.  Emily Henderson in the house (!)  What up girl!

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7.  Excuse me one sec: Has Ben H gotten hotter in the last 10 minutes? fsjklfjdklajfl;kdjsalfjdksjfkldsjafl;kdas;lk LAWD.  That’s about enough to make me get a running start towards the casting office. In all seriousness, Ben is adorable but it’s not his Peter-Brady-boyish looks that make him such a dreamboat – it’s his humility.

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That’s all I got Camps!  PS: Gus says wassup.

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xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelorette Recap: Week 4

Before we start dishing about last night’s epic train wreck, this is the Chicken Chili Verde I dished out to the flooze pops who came over last night.  It’s from Heather Christo and it’s **SO** good (and so good for you).  Only changes I make to her recipe are:

a) Sub rotisserie chicken for pulled pork (Easy button!),

b) Make the chicken broth out of Better Than Boullion (1 tsp boullion per 1 cup of water), and

c) Double the quantities of cilantro and jalapeño for the salsa verde.

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Also: Make sure you put your friends to work when they come over.  (Thanks Hope!!)

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One more thing… single tear & big thanks to Ali Fedotowsky for the props!  PS y’all should follow her on Insta / sign up for liketoknowit so you can copy off of all her insanely adorable fashion finds.

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ALRIGHT CAMPERS, HERE WE GO.  GAME ON:

1.  Somebody get this slick little narcissist some of those Neutrogena oil blotting pads.  Or just a sweat towel.  Or maybe just a new attitude.

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2.  “Clint and I are best best best friends and we’re very very very very very close.”  Could somebody help Baby Oscar weave some shiny new superlatives into his vocab so he doesn’t feel like he has to repeat the same word 95x to get his point across? ALSO.  Hearing her say, “I’m done.  I don’t trust you.” makes me love her even more than I did last week.  Gotta respect a girl who goes with her gut and knows her own mind.  Boom.

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3.  20 Second Timeout: Tanner has a promising future as the next Bob Costas.  This guy is a solid commentator.

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4.  Friendship bromance is so fickle (!)  I feel like they’re either about to make out, or someone’s about to commit a crime of passion.

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5.  Best line of the night:  “Hey – that tie goes really good with your shirt. (BEEEEEEEEEEP).” -Clint.  I hate to encourage toddler-tantrum-esque behavior but I literally spat out my chicken chili cackling.  Sometimes kids man babies say the darndest things!

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6.  HANDS-DOWN THE BEST CAT FIGHT / SWORDS MATCH THESE EYES HAVE EVER SEEN.

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7.  There is no camera shutter fast enough to capture JJ b*tch slapping himself in the face, but you all know what I’m talking about.  We had to rewind it 3x to make sure we all saw what we thought we saw.  #suckitup!

8.  I like the guy but let’s be real.  By 30 do they actually mean 49?

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9.  I missed a doppelgänger…  Justin from Naperville is actually the dude from Boardwalk Empire.  Also – omg I JUST saw that t-shirt this weekend.  On a 4-year old. Who got it at Gymboree.

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10.  Ben in a DILF sweater is a perfect example of two amazing things becoming greater than the sum of their parts when combined.  In other news: this is Kid n Play’s “surprised” face.  And this is JJ’s, “Ew – what’s rap music?  I only listen to classical music while I dye my teeth purple” face.

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Also – this is the EXACT face I make every time he comes on screen.  OMG, we’re MFEO.

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11.  Justin: now representing painted-on pants for men.  Also, I’m guessing he lost about half his sperm count when he wedged himself into those bad boys this morning.  With a shoe horn.

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12.  “I’ve listened to Broadway showtunes my whole life”  ………..So there’s that.  Most smug + most overconfident + confused contestant in history.

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13.  Chews on Rocks + Tarantulashes in the same shot = my mind just got blown.

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PS: I gotta give my girl props – she looks GREAT.  Is it the side part?  Is it that she’s not wearing a crown?  Can’t put my finger on it, but demure becomes her.

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14.  She’s hilarious.  “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with 2 guys in khaki pants.”  ….aBbahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahsha
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15.  HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY.  I’m sorry but: a) WHY IS HE HERE?  Did Salesforce let him go?  Can the Bachelor(ette) let him go – like, permanently?  The only place this guy belongs is Bachelor Pad.  And that’s a maybe.

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b) Why is he trying to eat his sippy cup?

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c) I love her but I’m confused about how she’s THIS excited to see Nick.  AKA Count Dracula.

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d) When she said Nick complimented her for the way that she carried herself during Farmer Chris’ season, I had to scratch my head and wonder if she saw the way he carried HIMSELF on Andi’s?  Otherwise known as: like a JACK A$$.  Did Kaitlyn take a nap during the ultimate display of slime when Nick outed Andi for boinking him in the fantasy suite on national TV?

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e) Why isn’t Nick coming back for Andi?  You know – the girl he was gonna propose to a year ago who just broke off her engagement?  Just a question.  Probably cuz he knows it’d fall on deaf ears… judging from the fact that she tweeted Kaitlyn last night and told her to RUN.  FAST.  Sing it sister!

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f)  I have a dream…. and it’s called Nick, JJ, Chris Bukowski and Juan Pablo being put in Bachelor timeout FOREVER.

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16.  One year later, and the kid still always looks like he just got out of bed – complete with bed head, sweats and lookin’ like he just ate a bowl of rocky pebbles. And, this is a legit question:  Do we think that’s a cowlick, or do we think when he blow dries his hair in the morning, he aims the dryer at the side of his head from point-blank range?  It’s like what happens when a helicopter lands in a field and blows down the tall grass all around it.

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17.  Oh, sweet Ben H.  You’re like a breath of fresh air.  A sight for sore eyes.  A vision in plaid.  An oasis in the middle of the Mohave desert.  Please tell me a bedtime story in cartoons about reproduction.  Or we can just play show & tell.

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18.  Next time I need sage relationship advice, I’m calling Courtney Thorne Smith:  “You’re going to have parts of your life where you’re not in sync and you have to fall back on other parts.  Like friendship.”  Best thing she’s ever said.  This woman is a Bachelor franchise treasure.

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19.  Denny’s cleans up good!

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…except he forgot to shave.  I feel like he should just sh*t or get off the pot with that thing.  It’s like going to work with only one leg in a pair of pants.  Just shave it all or slap some Propecia or Miracle Gro on the parts that are barren.  That said…  he really is a good egg.

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…and she luuuuuuvs him.

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And to be fair, I have Mufasa/Nick Nolte hair when I wake up in the morning. Remember?

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20.  I have no words.

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21.  I don’t know what was more endearing…  Bart Simpson saying that singing and dancing are pretty much the two things he’s worst at…

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…watching Bart Simpson try to dance, or watching Bart Simpson improv the words to A Whole New World.

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Bart for President.  The End.

xoxo,

Steph's Scanned Signature