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Dueling Bachelorettes: Week 1

Bach Night

Alright.  If you’re a Covet Living veteran – what up, Campers! (tap dance in place) – Missed ya!  If you’re new to CL or to this Tuesday a.m. Bach Recap, then Welcome!  Quick intro: this is a blog that my childhood best friend Karrie and I co-write… she’s a reality TV producer (for Little Women & Married at First Sight, among others), and I work in Interior Design.  We’re cornfed Midwest girls at heart, largely incapable of not telling it like it is… we get cleaned up and act like adults occasionally, but at the end of the night, we just end up laughing till one of us snorts, then ordering Papa John’s and diving into our sweatpants.

covet living: karrie and steph

papa johns

So that’s that.  We started this blog over 5 years ago so that we would have a place to spitball about things like dream kitchens, our favorite healthy recipes that don’t taste like cardboard, and fashion finds… occasionally some breakups and what we’ve learned about marriage.  But recently on Tuesday mornings, this blog is reserved for Bachelor/Bachelorette commentary.  Let’s roll, shall we?

dueling bach

1.  Y’all know I love Chris Harrison… generally because he’s always subtly sarcastic and hilarious.  But I have two issues with him from last night, and the first is with his pants… Or are those Brian Boitano’s pants?  Cuz I wasn’t sure.  (So tight & so shiny! Sweet Danskins, Holmes!)

Screen Shot 2015-05-19 at 8.36.20 AM

My other qualm is with the heaping spoonful of BS he gave us when he was all: “Well, how did this happen??  It happened because America was divided.”  ComosayWHAT? I count on Chris to shoot me straight and keep it real, and this whole schpeel was so blatantly false I think I vurped in my mouth.  Honey no one was divided.  Kaitlyn was the clear fan fave and wholly deserving of the role… Britt had America as a whole rolling their eyes once we all saw her true colors come to light – as did Farmer Panty Dropper, who in sending her home said: “That’s just not how I want my wife to act.” There are two Bachelorettes this season to shake up the ratings.  And if you haven’t read Sean Lowe’s blog post about how two bachelorettes is a terrible idea, then take a timeout and read it, cuz home skillet is spot on.  Anyhow: Dear Chris Harrison – I love you but don’t ever lie to me again or we can’t be friends anymore.

2.  This dude’s name is Joe in real life, but we’ll call him Bart Simpson for the purposes of this blog.  One entire bottle of Dep gel per day adds up, even at $2.13 a pop.  He is sweet though… maybe this is a ‘higher the hair the closer to God‘ situation?  Plus I’ll give Bart mad props for bringing moonshine.

Bart Simpson

Also.  For the love of Pete, somebody put his sweet chocolate lab on a diet before its hips give way.  That poor thing is a hovercraft.

Get that dog on a diet

3.  20 Second Timeout:  If you’re team Britt, then I *may* have to warn you that this will not be your favorite weekly bach recap, because while I can find wring the good outta just about anybody, I would rather wash down a bag of hair with a bottle of Elmer’s school glue than listen to disingenuous things fly out of her mouth for one more second.  I just can’t manage it.  She’s like a child: all sunshine and giggles so long as she’s the center of attention and things are going her way, but the second it’s anybody else’s turn to pway wif the Tonka Twucks, girlfriend has a tantrum.

IMG_0976

4.  This poor guy.  I feel so bad that he bought all that recording equipment… cuz has he heard himself?

earmuffs

…I have.

earmuffs

And so did my friend Hope… (she’s hiding).

IMG_0907

5.  Siiiiiiiiiiick-kuh!  I’m not old enough to watch things like this on TV.  Josie Grossie.

stripper ew

6.  I give the welder man from Idaho props.

welded rose

7.  This was right around the time where – had there not been 9 million girls in my living room – I would’ve changed the station because it was SO PAINFUL TO WATCH. Call me a Sally, but something about the way they’re doing this season makes me a little bit sick.  This whole business of deciding who stays based almost solely on initial attraction actually represents just about everything that’s wrong with everything.  Oh wait… I just heard what I typed out loud and it sounded ridiculous cuz that’s kinda what the whole show is… whoops.  But this dynamic IS different, for reasons Sean Lowe so articulately and diplomatically highlighted.  One girl at my house also said: “This is the kind of thing that f*Cks people up for life.” And that is not far off.

painful to watch

8.  This was the face Kaitlyn made when Britt started droning on about this process being “more organic.”  BAHAHAHAHAH.  I love that Kaitlyn can’t hide her disdain every time Britt starts talking.

disdain

9.  This was top notch.  I legit peed myself.  Hajhdjkshldsjkhkjhhahahha.

cupcake

10.  I actually think this zen little nut bucket and Britt might be MFEO. #om

cuckoo

om

PS: Is he from the Walking Dead??  YIKES!  Somebody get Namaste some Preparation H for those under-eyes, stat.

prep h

11.  Classy is the dude who does a group hug so as not to make either of the girls feel uncomfortable.  I got nothin’ but hearts & stars for Ryan Gosling Part Deux… aka Shawn B.

group hug

…And so does Britt.  Which is why I was doing BACKFLIPS when he hopped on over to Kaitlyn.  I *actually* heard birds chirping and saw unicorns jumping and felt all warm & fuzzy inside whenever these two were together.  I think I’m smitten with how smitten they are with each other.  This show is bananas, but every now and then somebody gets it right… right??  #seanandcatherine

birds chirping

12.  I call this one: “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.” #gameonbritt

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13.  HOLY. SWEET. BABY. JESUS…  fjkd;jsakfjdlsjfkldjsalkfjla.  My friends… that is a MAY-YUN.  Game over.  And timeout cuz I actually needed to go wipe up the puddle in my pants.  Ben Z or bust.  And he’s got a little Scott Foley in him… right?

ben z - sweet jesus

K one more just for good measure… And by “good measure” I mean the spank bank.

IMG_0963

14. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa.  I’m usually a fan of the simple, “Hi, my name is…” intro, but the hot tub on wheels was money.  In other news, if you were gonna hire a sex coach (who does that, btw?), would you really wanna hire one who deemed himself an amateur??  C’mon now.

hot tub on wheels

15.  Do we think Kirby the dentist can help this sweet soul out with dem toofs?

toofs

16.  I like Ian.  Can’t knock a smart, sincere stud athlete.

ian

17.  I hate to be such a wretch about Britt, but I can’t take her.  The sugary sweetness is a PAPER THIN VEIL… I thought she had some serious audacity to be so entitled, to roll her eyes every time anyone paid attention to Kaitlyn and to be remotely annoyed that she has to share the role.  All that tells me she is straight confused: cuz does she KNOW how lucky she was to ride Kaitlyn’s coattails into this season, by the hair of her chinny chin chin??

brat

See – Terra from Little Women LA knows what I mean.

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18.  BOOM goes the man in a Speedo!  This poor train wreck needs some anger management classes.  And some class-classes.  So embarrassed for him when the bouncer / dude from Goodfellas had to walk him out to Chris Harrison who had to give him the boot, but it had to be done.

crunked

criggity

19.  Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt… she reminds me of Julia Roberts’ character in Runaway Bride before she figures out what kind of eggs she really likes.  Cuz until then, she’s a pleaser and an appeaser who morphs into what she thinks every guy wants her to be.  Ever time Britt talks, I just feel like she’s saying what she thinks people wanna hear and spewing out what seem like the appropriate responses: “You play baseball??  Omg BASEBALL’S MY FAVORITE SPORT!  You like music??  Ehmahgah I like, love music so much.  You like God???  Omg that’s so – omg Good.  Faith is the most important thing to me – yep.  Mmm hmm.”

(“OMG that’s SO interesting – you are SO interesting!”)

this is my surprised face

20.  Um, the sweetest ever.

drawing

21.  Last… let’s make some predictions, shall we?

MFEO….

k and ryan gos

kaitlyn and ryan gosling II

MFEO….

britt and tony

And, let’s be honest.  MFEO!

ben z and steph mfeo

That’s all I got till tomorrow cuz true to form, they stretched 2 hours of television into 12 and part 2 of the season premiere is on tonight.  I’m sorry for the Britt rant; there’s just such a blatant lack of authenticity there I can hardly watch, and I’m mad at ABC for this nonsense with making Kaitlyn share the podium.  But perhaps she’s lovely in real life – what do I know.  It’s easy to sit in my sweats and judge, and it can’t be easy to have 99 cameras on you.  Whateva.  Also: I found a Skinny Pop popcorn kernel in my ear last week, a chocolate chip in my cleavage last year, once sent a boy years older than me a singing telegram (little did I know he was my beloved co-blogger’s boyfriend at the time… whoooops)… and also… this is what I look like with sweats and no makeup.  And real pretty hair.

cleaning

See there!!  We’re all human.

xoxo!

Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelor Finale: The Whitney Monologues, I Love Mrs. Chris, & Britt Blasphemy

First, let’s set the scene.  This is what my house looks like on Monday nights… there are more bottles of wine and more Papa John’s dipping sauces than there are people. No one comes over in real clothes – just sweatpants and fuzzy socks.  It is glorious.

vino night

pizza at my house

1. Did Chris Harrison just air quote Kelsey?  BWHADHSJAKHDJSKAH.  Classic.

1 - air quotes

2. Gettin ready for a flood, big fella?  Maybe a snowstorm?  What’s with the capris?

2 - capris

3. Not that I don’t appreciate his affinity for the word “extremely,” but I think this Christmas, I’m going to send Chris a thesaurus with a big red bow.  Or, maybe just this:

Extremely Synonyms

4. I wish I could’ve snapped a shot to sufficiently capture it, but why does Whitney walk like her arms dare not touch the side of her body and like she’s high-stepping over tall patches of grass?

5. That toast at the dinner table?  Sniff.  So listen… Whitney talks A LOT.  And she talks at a helium-sucking octave only dolphins can hear – the kind that opens garage doors – but she’s breakin’ my damn heart.  And Mr. Chris’ heart.  (See the single tear??)

5 - single tear mr chris

6.  THIS was the cutest thing I ever did see.  All the little peanuts (!)

6 - adorable

7. Just for em-phass-iss, here’s a transcription of Chris trying to explain to his sisters what was so special about Becca, and fumbling/stuttering all over himself:

I don’t know what it is about Becca… but… there’s a certain chemistry I have with her that’s hard to find.  She’s… (10 second pause) witty… she’s (5 second pause) charming…  she’s not as outgoing as Whitney, but she can charm the pants off of you if she wants… (gazes to cornfield for answers)…

defending becca

uhhhh… uhhhh… she’s… she’s…. (20 second pause)…  athletic… she’s…. she has… I dunno.  She’s kinda… (gazes at his friends the cows for a lifeline)… she’s also very grounded and very… (insert impatient look from sister with short hair, like she’s gotta pee and wants to know when the real answer’s comin’ and if she has time to run to the can real fast)…

sisters

….Becca’s someone who can ground me… I think… not that I’m not grounded, but… (more cows)… she has certain qualities that are different, but… (perplexed look)… pretty cool.”

And if you think that was hard for you to read, then multiply it by 10 and that’s how painful it was to watch.

8.  Lori = my favorite sister and also = the doppelgänger for my old friend Missy Firestone.  What up girl!?

lori

9.  When I saw T-H-I-S… Chris like a giddy school boy waiting for Becca to get out of the SUV and not being able to contain himself, I almost started helping Whitney pack.  It really was Becca’s game to lose.

i love becca

10.  TIMEOUT:  Possessionista – what nail color is this?  These are the things I rely on you for.  Please and thanks.

polish

11.  Please excuse my love affair with Mrs. Chris, but at least I’m consistent – I adored her last season, too.  This here is the woman I wanna throw back Blue Moons with on a Saturday afternoon, while we have a deep-throated cackle fest.  Then hug and bake brownies.  While she scratches my head and teaches me life lessons.

linda2

linda1

linda hug

12.  “Chris is an amazing man, and I haven’t been able to say that about anyone in a really long time.” Como-say-HUH? …like since when?  Since the Phi Delta Gamma winter formal?  What a sweetie pie she is, but seriously – she just got boobs last semester.

becca

13.  On a sidenote: she looks more & more stunning every episode.  Prettiest slice of Melba toast I ever did see.  Slash do we think Chris filed these in the spank bank?

becca is stunning

stunner

14. Timeout: Who’s the “California girl” who “didn’t wanna come to Iowa“?

15.  Mrs. Chris = Yoda.

Linda Soules Quote, Covet Living

16. I call this series, “Hey Whit!  Did you check in for your flight yet?” …YIKES.  You know I love #whitneyforpresident, because I think she is a diplomatic, caring, wonderful soul, but I didn’t see him all entangled like a twisty vine and gazing at her like this.  Thank heavens Whitney’s not watching the show… #seenoevilhearnoevil

loves her

hands

17.  If there are no chiropractic jobs in Arlington, then the silver lining is that Becca has a promising future as a ventriloquist.

18.  “I can’t make any promises on a timeline of when I would be ready to move and pick up my life” = (me shaking head), see ya sister.  Nobody wants to be put on hold indefinitely, and that’s a tough one to stick around for.  Indecision is still a decision, love nut.  Chris is a smart man for realizing that.

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i can't move

19. This was like a field trip we would’ve taken in Mrs. Wickersham’s 4th grade class to a corn field near by.  That was the most scientific definition of farming I’ve ever heard: “It’s pullin it up and poppin it in.”  And bless Whitney’s heart for acting like Chris just made water out of wine (or is it wine out of water?)… She’ll be a really great mom.

corn is amazing

20.  I know the producers can edit things to tell whatever story they want…  but there were so many schmoopy, sugary monologues that I think I started ear-muffing at one point.   She was REALLY sellin’ it.  And they may’ve hid all the footage where Chris acted as into her as he was to Becca, but they couldn’t invent Chris’ uncomfortable body language towards her.  Something just doesn’t add up here… you know I always rooted for Whitney, but am I nuts?

speech

21.  God love ‘er.  Do you think she noticed that she was the ONLY one talking in almost every scene, including the proposal???  I literally woke up in the middle of the night and saw her mouth moving in fast forward and felt my head spinning, but heard no words coming out.  Just noise.

polyanna

22.  It’s Girl Scout cookie time!!!  Hey.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my old friend, PG.

Power Gut

23.  I am crossing my fingers that Chris doesn’t have to hit an E! Red Carpet Mani Cam with those puppies, cuz kiddies the world over would be screaming if they saw those things walking down the mani cami cat walk at ’em.  Does he trim them with a chainsaw?  Somebody get that boy a mani… ‘fore he accidentally slits his new DWTS partner’s throat with his index fingernail.

pretty mani

24.  Does Becca actually feel anything on the inside?  …It’s a legitimate question.  Remember when he let her go and she didn’t even flinch?

no emotion

25.  Somebody fetch Whitney a Xanax fer &$#%^’s sake.  Or a paper bag.

26.  Good for them – I hope they make it.  Who knows what really happens behind closed doors, or off camera.  She obviously loves all of him – including his dolphin laugh and his jagged mani… and he obviously loves her bouncy white Pollyanna tendrils and squeaky voice.

maybe they're in love

27.  Why does he seem so nervous during After the Final Rose?  Like he’s waiting for a bomb to go off.  I’m tellin’ ya.  There’s some kind of lingering tension that just doesn’t feel right.

uhhh

28.  “Bottom line was Becca wasn’t into you” = Bahahahha, ouch, Jimmy Kimmel.  But probably true.  What do you guys think?

jimmy

29.  I threatened not to watch if they made Britt the Bachelorette, and I told someone who works on the show that I would literally stick a spork in one of my eyeballs if they chose her…  and I said it cuz I honestly thought there was NO WAY she would make the cut after her toddler temper tantrum(s) heard round the world… What is this, 6-and-under T-ball?  It’s like she cried and acted like a petulant child when she didn’t get her way, so ABC gave her a lollipop – otherwise known as a shot on the Bachelorette.  And that unstoppable flood of tears from last week dried up REAL fast – like, as fast as toddler tears the second you hand them a treat.  I’m just confused why we’re rewarding such disingenuous behavior… and why Kaitlyn, who is totally deserving of being the Bachelorette, now has the share the throne in what is going to become a sad “which girl is hotter?” contest.  Did you guys read what Sean Lowe wrote about it being totally degrading?  He’s TOTALLY right.

Britt and Kaitlyn

30. Possessionista: where’s Kaitlyn’s ring from?

Kaitlyn

31.  Timeout: the girl in the blue behind Ashley is my college v-ball teammate and co-captain, Shawn Beckham!  What up, girl!!!

Shawn Beckham

Shawn Beckham2

32.  This is the last and maybe the only serious thing I have to say, and it’s perhaps why my love for Chris’ family – particularly his mother – hits so deep and so close to home: Because any parent in the world who behaves in ANY fashion other than the way Chris’ parents behaved – which is to not only treat their own children with respect, but to also treat the people their children love with respect and kindness – well… if you’re a parent and you find yourself doing anything else, or worse – doing the polar opposite, you should *probably* go back to the drawing board and check yourself, check your moral compass and check your motives.  And reconsider whether or not you really have your kids’ best interest at heart… or solely your own. Because to behave in any other way than the way that Chris’ parents did is just a crying shame, and no one deserves it… least of all, your kids.  And antagonizing the people your kids love doesn’t do anything to ensure that you’ll never be alone… but it does ensure that after you’re gone, your kids will.

In Laws

That’s all I got!  If you’re new to this blog, then please – stick around!  Snoop around! I’m Stephanie, Karrie and I are lifelong pals, and when I’m not rapping on Tuesdays about the Bach, this blog is really – at its core – a lifestyle/decor blog (with a soul)… below are a few posts readers loved that you may also wanna check out… (you can also follow us on Insta – Steph | Karrie):

{ON SUMMER FASHION} Effortlessly Cool 

effortlessly cool

{ON LOVE} 10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage

marriage

{DIY} DIY Dining Chair Redo

DIY-Dining-Chair-Before-and-After-Covet-Living

{ON THINGS WE LOVE} Currently Loving…

spring dress

{ON TAKING RISKS} California, Here I Come!

Covet-Living-Palm-Trees

{ON WISE WORDS} Words to Live By

words to live by

{ON FOOD} BBQ Turkey Meatballs with Cheddar Corn Quinoa

bbq chicken meatballs

xoxo!!!

Steph's Scanned Signature