Alright. If you’re a Covet Living veteran – what up, Campers! (tap dance in place) – Missed ya! If you’re new to CL or to this Tuesday a.m. Bach Recap, then Welcome! Quick intro: this is a blog that my childhood best friend Karrie and I co-write… she’s a reality TV producer (for Little Women & Married at First Sight, among others), and I work in Interior Design. We’re cornfed Midwest girls at heart, largely incapable of not telling it like it is… we get cleaned up and act like adults occasionally, but at the end of the night, we just end up laughing till one of us snorts, then ordering Papa John’s and diving into our sweatpants.
So that’s that. We started this blog over 5 years ago so that we would have a place to spitball about things like dream kitchens, our favorite healthy recipes that don’t taste like cardboard, and fashion finds… occasionally some breakups and what we’ve learned about marriage. But recently on Tuesday mornings, this blog is reserved for Bachelor/Bachelorette commentary. Let’s roll, shall we?
1. Y’all know I love Chris Harrison… generally because he’s always subtly sarcastic and hilarious. But I have two issues with him from last night, and the first is with his pants… Or are those Brian Boitano’s pants? Cuz I wasn’t sure. (So tight & so shiny! Sweet Danskins, Holmes!)
My other qualm is with the heaping spoonful of BS he gave us when he was all: “Well, how did this happen?? It happened because America was divided.” ComosayWHAT? I count on Chris to shoot me straight and keep it real, and this whole schpeel was so blatantly false I think I vurped in my mouth. Honey no one was divided. Kaitlyn was the clear fan fave and wholly deserving of the role… Britt had America as a whole rolling their eyes once we all saw her true colors come to light – as did Farmer Panty Dropper, who in sending her home said: “That’s just not how I want my wife to act.” There are two Bachelorettes this season to shake up the ratings. And if you haven’t read Sean Lowe’s blog post about how two bachelorettes is a terrible idea, then take a timeout and read it, cuz home skillet is spot on. Anyhow: Dear Chris Harrison – I love you but don’t ever lie to me again or we can’t be friends anymore.
2. This dude’s name is Joe in real life, but we’ll call him Bart Simpson for the purposes of this blog. One entire bottle of Dep gel per day adds up, even at $2.13 a pop. He is sweet though… maybe this is a ‘higher the hair the closer to God‘ situation? Plus I’ll give Bart mad props for bringing moonshine.
Also. For the love of Pete, somebody put his sweet chocolate lab on a diet before its hips give way. That poor thing is a hovercraft.
3. 20 Second Timeout: If you’re team Britt, then I *may* have to warn you that this will not be your favorite weekly bach recap, because while I can find wring the good outta just about anybody, I would rather wash down a bag of hair with a bottle of Elmer’s school glue than listen to disingenuous things fly out of her mouth for one more second. I just can’t manage it. She’s like a child: all sunshine and giggles so long as she’s the center of attention and things are going her way, but the second it’s anybody else’s turn to pway wif the Tonka Twucks, girlfriend has a tantrum.
4. This poor guy. I feel so bad that he bought all that recording equipment… cuz has he heard himself?
And so did my friend Hope… (she’s hiding).
5. Siiiiiiiiiiick-kuh! I’m not old enough to watch things like this on TV. Josie Grossie.
6. I give the welder man from Idaho props.
7. This was right around the time where – had there not been 9 million girls in my living room – I would’ve changed the station because it was SO PAINFUL TO WATCH. Call me a Sally, but something about the way they’re doing this season makes me a little bit sick. This whole business of deciding who stays based almost solely on initial attraction actually represents just about everything that’s wrong with everything. Oh wait… I just heard what I typed out loud and it sounded ridiculous cuz that’s kinda what the whole show is… whoops. But this dynamic IS different, for reasons Sean Lowe so articulately and diplomatically highlighted. One girl at my house also said: “This is the kind of thing that f*Cks people up for life.” And that is not far off.
8. This was the face Kaitlyn made when Britt started droning on about this process being “more organic.” BAHAHAHAHAH. I love that Kaitlyn can’t hide her disdain every time Britt starts talking.
9. This was top notch. I legit peed myself. Hajhdjkshldsjkhkjhhahahha.
10. I actually think this zen little nut bucket and Britt might be MFEO. #om
PS: Is he from the Walking Dead?? YIKES! Somebody get Namaste some Preparation H for those under-eyes, stat.
11. Classy is the dude who does a group hug so as not to make either of the girls feel uncomfortable. I got nothin’ but hearts & stars for Ryan Gosling Part Deux… aka Shawn B.
…And so does Britt. Which is why I was doing BACKFLIPS when he hopped on over to Kaitlyn. I *actually* heard birds chirping and saw unicorns jumping and felt all warm & fuzzy inside whenever these two were together. I think I’m smitten with how smitten they are with each other. This show is bananas, but every now and then somebody gets it right… right?? #seanandcatherine
12. I call this one: “How Stella Got Her Groove Back.” #gameonbritt
13. HOLY. SWEET. BABY. JESUS… fjkd;jsakfjdlsjfkldjsalkfjla. My friends… that is a MAY-YUN. Game over. And timeout cuz I actually needed to go wipe up the puddle in my pants. Ben Z or bust. And he’s got a little Scott Foley in him… right?
K one more just for good measure… And by “good measure” I mean the spank bank.
14. Haaaaaaaaaaaaaaaa. I’m usually a fan of the simple, “Hi, my name is…” intro, but the hot tub on wheels was money. In other news, if you were gonna hire a sex coach (who does that, btw?), would you really wanna hire one who deemed himself an amateur?? C’mon now.
15. Do we think Kirby the dentist can help this sweet soul out with dem toofs?
16. I like Ian. Can’t knock a smart, sincere stud athlete.
17. I hate to be such a wretch about Britt, but I can’t take her. The sugary sweetness is a PAPER THIN VEIL… I thought she had some serious audacity to be so entitled, to roll her eyes every time anyone paid attention to Kaitlyn and to be remotely annoyed that she has to share the role. All that tells me she is straight confused: cuz does she KNOW how lucky she was to ride Kaitlyn’s coattails into this season, by the hair of her chinny chin chin??
See – Terra from Little Women LA knows what I mean.
18. BOOM goes the man in a Speedo! This poor train wreck needs some anger management classes. And some class-classes. So embarrassed for him when the bouncer / dude from Goodfellas had to walk him out to Chris Harrison who had to give him the boot, but it had to be done.
19. Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt… she reminds me of Julia Roberts’ character in Runaway Bride before she figures out what kind of eggs she really likes. Cuz until then, she’s a pleaser and an appeaser who morphs into what she thinks every guy wants her to be. Ever time Britt talks, I just feel like she’s saying what she thinks people wanna hear and spewing out what seem like the appropriate responses: “You play baseball?? Omg BASEBALL’S MY FAVORITE SPORT! You like music?? Ehmahgah I like, love music so much. You like God??? Omg that’s so – omg Good. Faith is the most important thing to me – yep. Mmm hmm.”
(“OMG that’s SO interesting – you are SO interesting!”)
20. Um, the sweetest ever.
21. Last… let’s make some predictions, shall we?
And, let’s be honest. MFEO!
That’s all I got till tomorrow cuz true to form, they stretched 2 hours of television into 12 and part 2 of the season premiere is on tonight. I’m sorry for the Britt rant; there’s just such a blatant lack of authenticity there I can hardly watch, and I’m mad at ABC for this nonsense with making Kaitlyn share the podium. But perhaps she’s lovely in real life – what do I know. It’s easy to sit in my sweats and judge, and it can’t be easy to have 99 cameras on you. Whateva. Also: I found a Skinny Pop popcorn kernel in my ear last week, a chocolate chip in my cleavage last year, once sent a boy years older than me a singing telegram (little did I know he was my beloved co-blogger’s boyfriend at the time… whoooops)… and also… this is what I look like with sweats and no makeup. And real pretty hair.
See there!! We’re all human.