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Bachelorette Recap: Three’s a Crowd

1.  Chez moi last night.  Italiano (!)  So good.

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And if you haven’t made these turkey meatballs yet, then you aren’t livin.  Gus is a good helper… look at that face!  Like no one’s ever fed or loved him a day in his life. #andtheoscargoestogus


2.  Just a little snack to warm it up… this knee-slapper came to me via my Fairy Godmother JB from Jersey.  I have not stopped howling for a week.  You know I love Bart – even in spite of his toddler Tonka Twuck fussy meltdown last week – but this is the truth:

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3.  Another one from Megan on Twitter.  I DIE. BFdhjkhfjkahjhajkhahahhahaha.  Shiest – I get by with a little help from my friends.

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4.  Also, I know I’m a real skank for making fun of these poor unfortunate souls every week.  So to level the playing field, here’s what my hair looks like in the morning.  Pretty sure Mufasa is my doppelgänger.  You’re welcome.  With any luck, potential suitors everywhere will be reading this post.

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5.  Are Kaitlyn & Ben repping the J.Crew Kennybunkport collection ca 1997?  Hey – I’m not complaining.  I dig a good cable knit.  OMG is it Fall yet??

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6.  Peter Brady in a DILF sweater in cold weather is like a sweet slice of apple pie on an Indian Summer day.  On a hay ride.  Like buttah.


7.  Ben H is (er, was until last week) 25?!!?  Lawd.  I’m not sure if his balls have dropped yet, but bless his heart – it looked like somebody took the eraser of a No. 2 pencil to the back of his head.  Cutest bald spot I’ve ever seen.  In other news, he’s a *really* good guy and always seems to say the right thing, but was it just me??  I didn’t see it between them.  They were adorable, great on paper, probably really liked each other cuz they’re both cool people but I dunno… something was missing, right?


Sidenote: DAYUM.  That girl can rock a red dress.


8.  Hands-down the best thing I’ve ever seen on this show.  I was also delighted to see him not acting like his head was inside a vice and about to explode.


Alf has never looked so good.  That’s just not a bad bod.


When she picked his clothes up and ran for the hills, I knew we were destined to be besties.


9.  Is he serious with those cap sleeves?  Honey, your clothes are all size XXXS.  We can already see your muscles (…and as Karrie so aptly pointed out a few weeks ago – we can also see your mushroom tip through your skinny jeans).


10.  How did I not know Nick had 98 siblings?


11.  Bella’s a little sweetie pie, but did the producers tell her Santa wasn’t real to make her cry so they could shoot it and pretend she was still distraught that Nick + Andi didn’t work out?  That part was straight bizarre.


12.  I found his Mom’s passive-aggressive dig at Andi was unnecessary… Yikes – hell hath no fury like a (family) scorned.  Speaking of his mom… I can’t decide what I liked better: her magical Birkenstocks or her ‘do.  I’m also pretty sure there’s a giant dreamcatcher hanging above her bed.


13.  The family hair game is uncanny.  Do you think she gave him a blowdryer for his 5th birthday and was like, “ok honey… now aim it at the back of your head like this and turn it on full blast“?


14.  Most endearing part of the show.  #bellaforpresident

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15. I hate to be an a-hole but how come nobody told Shawn’s Pa that he had a bat in the cave?  That ain’t cool.  I tried to help… it didn’t work.


In other news, can we talk about what a baller my dog is?  Have y’all met Gus the Tazmanian devil?




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Bachelorette Recap: Week 4

Before we start dishing about last night’s epic train wreck, this is the Chicken Chili Verde I dished out to the flooze pops who came over last night.  It’s from Heather Christo and it’s **SO** good (and so good for you).  Only changes I make to her recipe are:

a) Sub rotisserie chicken for pulled pork (Easy button!),

b) Make the chicken broth out of Better Than Boullion (1 tsp boullion per 1 cup of water), and

c) Double the quantities of cilantro and jalapeño for the salsa verde.

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Also: Make sure you put your friends to work when they come over.  (Thanks Hope!!)


One more thing… single tear & big thanks to Ali Fedotowsky for the props!  PS y’all should follow her on Insta / sign up for liketoknowit so you can copy off of all her insanely adorable fashion finds.



1.  Somebody get this slick little narcissist some of those Neutrogena oil blotting pads.  Or just a sweat towel.  Or maybe just a new attitude.


2.  “Clint and I are best best best friends and we’re very very very very very close.”  Could somebody help Baby Oscar weave some shiny new superlatives into his vocab so he doesn’t feel like he has to repeat the same word 95x to get his point across? ALSO.  Hearing her say, “I’m done.  I don’t trust you.” makes me love her even more than I did last week.  Gotta respect a girl who goes with her gut and knows her own mind.  Boom.


3.  20 Second Timeout: Tanner has a promising future as the next Bob Costas.  This guy is a solid commentator.


4.  Friendship bromance is so fickle (!)  I feel like they’re either about to make out, or someone’s about to commit a crime of passion.


5.  Best line of the night:  “Hey – that tie goes really good with your shirt. (BEEEEEEEEEEP).” -Clint.  I hate to encourage toddler-tantrum-esque behavior but I literally spat out my chicken chili cackling.  Sometimes kids man babies say the darndest things!




7.  There is no camera shutter fast enough to capture JJ b*tch slapping himself in the face, but you all know what I’m talking about.  We had to rewind it 3x to make sure we all saw what we thought we saw.  #suckitup!

8.  I like the guy but let’s be real.  By 30 do they actually mean 49?


9.  I missed a doppelgänger…  Justin from Naperville is actually the dude from Boardwalk Empire.  Also – omg I JUST saw that t-shirt this weekend.  On a 4-year old. Who got it at Gymboree.

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10.  Ben in a DILF sweater is a perfect example of two amazing things becoming greater than the sum of their parts when combined.  In other news: this is Kid n Play’s “surprised” face.  And this is JJ’s, “Ew – what’s rap music?  I only listen to classical music while I dye my teeth purple” face.


Also – this is the EXACT face I make every time he comes on screen.  OMG, we’re MFEO.

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11.  Justin: now representing painted-on pants for men.  Also, I’m guessing he lost about half his sperm count when he wedged himself into those bad boys this morning.  With a shoe horn.


12.  “I’ve listened to Broadway showtunes my whole life”  ………..So there’s that.  Most smug + most overconfident + confused contestant in history.

13.  Chews on Rocks + Tarantulashes in the same shot = my mind just got blown.


PS: I gotta give my girl props – she looks GREAT.  Is it the side part?  Is it that she’s not wearing a crown?  Can’t put my finger on it, but demure becomes her.


14.  She’s hilarious.  “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with 2 guys in khaki pants.”  ….aBbahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahsha
15.  HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY.  I’m sorry but: a) WHY IS HE HERE?  Did Salesforce let him go?  Can the Bachelor(ette) let him go – like, permanently?  The only place this guy belongs is Bachelor Pad.  And that’s a maybe.


b) Why is he trying to eat his sippy cup?


c) I love her but I’m confused about how she’s THIS excited to see Nick.  AKA Count Dracula.


d) When she said Nick complimented her for the way that she carried herself during Farmer Chris’ season, I had to scratch my head and wonder if she saw the way he carried HIMSELF on Andi’s?  Otherwise known as: like a JACK A$$.  Did Kaitlyn take a nap during the ultimate display of slime when Nick outed Andi for boinking him in the fantasy suite on national TV?


e) Why isn’t Nick coming back for Andi?  You know – the girl he was gonna propose to a year ago who just broke off her engagement?  Just a question.  Probably cuz he knows it’d fall on deaf ears… judging from the fact that she tweeted Kaitlyn last night and told her to RUN.  FAST.  Sing it sister!

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f)  I have a dream…. and it’s called Nick, JJ, Chris Bukowski and Juan Pablo being put in Bachelor timeout FOREVER.

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16.  One year later, and the kid still always looks like he just got out of bed – complete with bed head, sweats and lookin’ like he just ate a bowl of rocky pebbles. And, this is a legit question:  Do we think that’s a cowlick, or do we think when he blow dries his hair in the morning, he aims the dryer at the side of his head from point-blank range?  It’s like what happens when a helicopter lands in a field and blows down the tall grass all around it.


17.  Oh, sweet Ben H.  You’re like a breath of fresh air.  A sight for sore eyes.  A vision in plaid.  An oasis in the middle of the Mohave desert.  Please tell me a bedtime story in cartoons about reproduction.  Or we can just play show & tell.


18.  Next time I need sage relationship advice, I’m calling Courtney Thorne Smith:  “You’re going to have parts of your life where you’re not in sync and you have to fall back on other parts.  Like friendship.”  Best thing she’s ever said.  This woman is a Bachelor franchise treasure.

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19.  Denny’s cleans up good!


…except he forgot to shave.  I feel like he should just sh*t or get off the pot with that thing.  It’s like going to work with only one leg in a pair of pants.  Just shave it all or slap some Propecia or Miracle Gro on the parts that are barren.  That said…  he really is a good egg.


…and she luuuuuuvs him.


And to be fair, I have Mufasa/Nick Nolte hair when I wake up in the morning. Remember?

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20.  I have no words.


21.  I don’t know what was more endearing…  Bart Simpson saying that singing and dancing are pretty much the two things he’s worst at…


…watching Bart Simpson try to dance, or watching Bart Simpson improv the words to A Whole New World.


Bart for President.  The End.


Steph's Scanned Signature