House Beautiful

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Bachelorette Recap: Boys II Men, B-Ball & Eric

1.  Nick aka Babyface reminds me of a cute, grown-up disheveled toddler.  Is it his bedhead?  Is there a hint of a beaver whistle in there?  Is it his inspector gadget jacket he borrowed from his dad’s closet??  …I’m not sure.  One or all of the above. Regardless, I feel like he should be running around wearing a onesie with padded feet.  All that said… he’s cute!  I totes would’ve had a crush on him in 5th grade.

2.  WHAT. IN. THE. NAME. OF. &$%#. ARE. THESE???  Did he just tear down the tapestries in the dining room and weave himself a pair of pajama pants?

3.  Every time Bradley makes like a Disney character and bursts into song, I feel like a small animal is being tortured somewhere.  And then a little throw up creeps up in my mouth.  And Gus’ balls shrink.  And I make like this kid.  OMG, he’s harmonizing in the background.  I can’t take it.  #earmuffs #handmesomethingsharp

4.  “I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in 7th grade” – BAHHADHHDASHDHAH.  Eric is a great kid.

5.  Do GTL and Josh share a room, and is that room one giant tanning bed, and is the dial on the bed turned to the Oompa Loompa Orange setting?  Is there also a bottomless hair gel dispenser in the bathroom?

6.  There isn’t enough vodka in this universe to prompt me to sing on stage.  And one reason is because I think those sweet, criggity crunked tone-deaf boys drank it all.

7.  OMG…  Marcus = Jake Pavelka!  Einhorn IS Finkle!  FINKLE is EINHORN!  There’s something off kilter there that I can’t put my finger on, and I give him about 2 more shows for it to come out.

8.  Bill Nye (JJ) at 80 = what happens when Christopher Lloyd + Magda from There’s Something About Mary procreate.

9.   Dylan is adorable.  And by adorable I mean smoldering.  He just captured the flag back from Farmer Ted.  And by flag, I mean underpants.

10.  Speaking of Farmer Ted…  whaaaaaat the *&$% happened to my boy?  Did he get shot up with a vile of the ebola virus?  Has he not slept since last week? He looks like Jimbo from Outbreak right before his eyeballs start bleeding and he goes into shock.  Somebody get that kid an IV of Vitamin C (or Vitamin Me) and a week-long nap.

11.  Is Josh actually an Endo Rep?  That’s for my peeps back at my old gig – y’all know it’s true!!

12.  Brian’s adorable.  The argyle’s doing him proud, but his on-court game did him prouder.  Wait – hey, hey buddy – over here!  Stop giggling about your half court shot for a sec – Andi actually JUST fell down with her legs up in the air.  Slash, you KINDA gotta love a good guy with no game.  They’re like a mythical endangered species that you only see on Animal Planet.

13.  That’s a baller dress.  BOOM!  …PS, wait.  Who slipped piss & vinegar in her bubbly?  Was this right after Eric told her she had a poker face?

14.  She doesn’t have a poker face – girlfriend’s got a bit of a short fuse.  Gyah…  she was so busy flying off the handle and taking what he said so personally that she didn’t even take the time to actually listen to where he was coming from, which seemed like a place of zero malice.  That whole meltdown of a scene just seemed so unnecessary and unfortunate.

15.  I’m sorry… Why are we so focused on how Eric’s death affected Andi?  No offense, she’s a nice girl and I’m sure she doesn’t feel great about his exit now that he’s passed, but if we’re gonna take some time to honor him, why couldn’t we have heard a great happy memory of him from each of the guys?  Or something.

Penny for your thoughts, Campers!  Go.


Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Let’s discuss week 2, shall we?

1.  Timeouttimeouttimeout.  Lemme get this straight.  Tasos is a “Wedding Event Coordinator”?  OMG – do you think he knows Franck (pronounced: FRONCK) from Father of the Bride???

2.  Ew.  Josh M. the NBA player aka has wooden-glued-together-George-Washington-teeth is a PLAY-AH.

3.  She’s wearing a doily bikini??  That’s the only thing that could possibly top last season’s one piece.

4.  “Are you ready to shred this gnarly mountain?” might be the best thing I’ve ever heard her say.

5.   Andrew looks like Tom Hanks.

6.  If you ever, EVER made me traipse out in front of America and do a little jig with no pants on, sans a shot or twelve, I’d sh*t twice and die.

7.  Does Chris aka farmer Ted buy the mill outta that pinky-purple cotton fabric, then have his Maw sew him 1000 shirts out of it??  …that said, he can wear them ANY TIME he wants.

8.  The only thing better than a dude wearing pink with confidence is a dude wearing purply-pink with (humble) confidence.

9.  Chris aka Farmer Ted has just stolen Dylan aka Gaston’s thunder as the panty-dropper of the group.  TIMES 10.  He is PUH-RECIOUS.  Everyone else can go home.  #thebestboysaremidwestboys

10.  Slash, ANDI!  Be a love and hand him a hanky to blot his forehead.  The poor kid is sweating bullets.

11.  Is it just me?  I don’t think my skirt would fly over my head if I heard a dude singing opera to me.  If I had a weenis – and I don’t! – but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would have shrunk when I heard this dude belting it out.

12.  I don’t even know what to say about this.

13.  Dear Craig: You goof.  Most hilarious and (nearly) redeeming move, ever.  But so endearing:  “I bared my juuuuuuu-uhhhnnk to 13 other guys, but I hope and pray it’s alright… Ohhhh Andi!”  Bless his heart.

14.  Sweet Lord.  Tell me I’m not the only one who saw Chris Harrison slap Dylan’s – ahem – fanny.  Again.  He might be the most entertaining part of the show.

15.  Craig’s tone-deaf improv totally trumps the opera jam.

16.  Every time I see Marquel, I want a cookie.  Is that like a Pavlov’s dog thing?

17.  How sweet was the old couple at the race track??  Best love advice, ever.

18.  Really.  Are we almost in tears and going to ruin the whole evening huffing about one idiot child who took twelve too many shots?  Gurl, settle down.  Sh*t happens.  Let homeboy entertain himself in the pool.  When she got all voice-cracky and gave the other guys an almost-lecture and questioned their intentions, I rolled my eyes in super slow-mo.

19.  I can say things like that because I look SUPER awesome, all the time.

20.  Floral on Plaid?!?!  FLORAL ON PLAID, Marquel?!  His shirt matches the ikat pillows.  He tie matches my Grammy’s house dress from 1957….  the kid’s got balls.  I didn’t hate it.

21.  I’m sorry but who looks at Brett aka One Big Rattail’s ‘do and says, “Huh.  I think I want THAT guy to cut my hair.  He sure looks like he knows what he’s doing.”

22.  Seriously………  You know it’s true.

23.  All I keep thinking about is how rough it must be for Eric’s family and friends watching, like he’s still here.  And when he named off all 10+ of his nieces and nephews, all I kept thinking was how they must be like, “whewe’s Uncle Ewic?”  Sniff.