House Beautiful

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Bachelorette Recap: Venice

1.  I meeeeeean…  What do I have to do to win a free trip to eh-Venezia?  …Get an IV of Mountain Dew and smack a loaduh pomade in my hair and coif my front 7 hairs into a little rip curl?  Meld my two front teeth together??  Fer $*#()$*(#)’s sake.  Adiamo!

2.  Speaking of teeth.  I’ll be the first one to admit she’s a beautiful girl… and also that she has the itsy bitsiest Chicklet teeth.

3.  I would bet my left areola that Cody is 5’4″ in real life – and prob also 5’4″ in diameter.  And while I DO love to rip on Rip Curl and while his hairdo doesn’t really blow up my shorts…  nor does the affinity for tanning beds or red Chuck Taylors, I do *totally* appreciate the kid’s enthusiasm and think he has a really good heart.  And it broke mine a little to watch her give him da boot.  What a great attitude he has though – ya gotta give him props for that.  If I’m ever at Malibu Sun or the Bally Total Fitness in Chicago, I’ll totally give him a big bear hug.

4.  I positively cannot take the Suave commercials.  It’s like watching a bad audition.  Or listening to nails on a chalkboard.  Or watching yourself on camera.  If I scream “mercy!!!” will ABC make it stop?

5.  Nick is like a curly-headed toddler who just nomnomnom’d on a mouth fulla rocks.  I don’t quite see the allure.  Also..  something’s off.  I feel like something’s REAL shady… like maybe he’s hiding something – like a coupla dead people chopped up in the basement.  PS: “In his tux he looks like a Prince,” she says???  Does she mean Le Petit Prince? Dessin-moi un mouton!

6.  Raise your hand if you are still under the guise that Josh isn’t a total player…  wait, hang on… is it still raised??  Now go ahead and smack yourself with it.

7.  OMG…  The lie detector test is the best *$#()*$#() I’ve ever seen.  I especially enjoyed watching Josh sweat bullets and get his little white cotton under panties in a wad.  “If you have trust in somebody, why you gotta make ’em take a lie detector test?” = GUILTY.

8.  WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAT??!!  …I HAVE NO WORDS.  Honey, getcher Scotch tape out and go fish that outta the trash can NOW!!

9.  Loooooooooooook who’s sittin’ pretty after she tore up the lie detector test results.  Mmmmmmhmm.  She IS a smart girl.  Her intuition is spot-on.  And I feel like I’m gonna verp whenever he comes onscreen.

10.  Timeout.  a) Bill Nye is still here?  b) Did I just hear him toot his horn and say he was good in the sack?  c) I’ll give one million dollars to anyone who can tell me what a Pantsapreneur is.  d) If he’s a Pantsapreneur, then why is he 6’7″ and wear a pair of capri pants with a 14″ inseam to the rose ceremony??  …just sayin’.  It’s a solid question.

11.  God bless America.  Of COURSE he’s the Secret Admirer.  AND in dimples & a matching DILF sweater to boot…  yumyumnumnum.  PS, I know someone who has that exact sweater.  PPS, if Chris doesn’t win, I give up.

12.  Who wore it better??

13.  Girl can rock some GREAT side boob.  I give her mad props for her wardrobe this year.

14.  Marcus is going to MELT – somebody get the poor kid a towel.  If his face is that sweaty, I don’t even wanna know what’s going on in his grundle.

15.  What was Steamy McDreamboat AKA Dylan wigging out about after his lie detector test??

16.  WHAT in the name of Sam Hill is that hat.  I can’t take it.

That’s all I got!  What did I miss, Campers??


Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Let’s discuss week 2, shall we?

1.  Timeouttimeouttimeout.  Lemme get this straight.  Tasos is a “Wedding Event Coordinator”?  OMG – do you think he knows Franck (pronounced: FRONCK) from Father of the Bride???

2.  Ew.  Josh M. the NBA player aka has wooden-glued-together-George-Washington-teeth is a PLAY-AH.

3.  She’s wearing a doily bikini??  That’s the only thing that could possibly top last season’s one piece.

4.  “Are you ready to shred this gnarly mountain?” might be the best thing I’ve ever heard her say.

5.   Andrew looks like Tom Hanks.

6.  If you ever, EVER made me traipse out in front of America and do a little jig with no pants on, sans a shot or twelve, I’d sh*t twice and die.

7.  Does Chris aka farmer Ted buy the mill outta that pinky-purple cotton fabric, then have his Maw sew him 1000 shirts out of it??  …that said, he can wear them ANY TIME he wants.

8.  The only thing better than a dude wearing pink with confidence is a dude wearing purply-pink with (humble) confidence.

9.  Chris aka Farmer Ted has just stolen Dylan aka Gaston’s thunder as the panty-dropper of the group.  TIMES 10.  He is PUH-RECIOUS.  Everyone else can go home.  #thebestboysaremidwestboys

10.  Slash, ANDI!  Be a love and hand him a hanky to blot his forehead.  The poor kid is sweating bullets.

11.  Is it just me?  I don’t think my skirt would fly over my head if I heard a dude singing opera to me.  If I had a weenis – and I don’t! – but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would have shrunk when I heard this dude belting it out.

12.  I don’t even know what to say about this.

13.  Dear Craig: You goof.  Most hilarious and (nearly) redeeming move, ever.  But so endearing:  “I bared my juuuuuuu-uhhhnnk to 13 other guys, but I hope and pray it’s alright… Ohhhh Andi!”  Bless his heart.

14.  Sweet Lord.  Tell me I’m not the only one who saw Chris Harrison slap Dylan’s – ahem – fanny.  Again.  He might be the most entertaining part of the show.

15.  Craig’s tone-deaf improv totally trumps the opera jam.

16.  Every time I see Marquel, I want a cookie.  Is that like a Pavlov’s dog thing?

17.  How sweet was the old couple at the race track??  Best love advice, ever.

18.  Really.  Are we almost in tears and going to ruin the whole evening huffing about one idiot child who took twelve too many shots?  Gurl, settle down.  Sh*t happens.  Let homeboy entertain himself in the pool.  When she got all voice-cracky and gave the other guys an almost-lecture and questioned their intentions, I rolled my eyes in super slow-mo.

19.  I can say things like that because I look SUPER awesome, all the time.

20.  Floral on Plaid?!?!  FLORAL ON PLAID, Marquel?!  His shirt matches the ikat pillows.  He tie matches my Grammy’s house dress from 1957….  the kid’s got balls.  I didn’t hate it.

21.  I’m sorry but who looks at Brett aka One Big Rattail’s ‘do and says, “Huh.  I think I want THAT guy to cut my hair.  He sure looks like he knows what he’s doing.”

22.  Seriously………  You know it’s true.

23.  All I keep thinking about is how rough it must be for Eric’s family and friends watching, like he’s still here.  And when he named off all 10+ of his nieces and nephews, all I kept thinking was how they must be like, “whewe’s Uncle Ewic?”  Sniff.