House Beautiful

Bachelorette Recap: Boys II Men, B-Ball & Eric

1.  Nick aka Babyface reminds me of a cute, grown-up disheveled toddler.  Is it his bedhead?  Is there a hint of a beaver whistle in there?  Is it his inspector gadget jacket he borrowed from his dad’s closet??  …I’m not sure.  One or all of the above. Regardless, I feel like he should be running around wearing a onesie with padded feet.  All that said… he’s cute!  I totes would’ve had a crush on him in 5th grade.

2.  WHAT. IN. THE. NAME. OF. &$%#. ARE. THESE???  Did he just tear down the tapestries in the dining room and weave himself a pair of pajama pants?

3.  Every time Bradley makes like a Disney character and bursts into song, I feel like a small animal is being tortured somewhere.  And then a little throw up creeps up in my mouth.  And Gus’ balls shrink.  And I make like this kid.  OMG, he’s harmonizing in the background.  I can’t take it.  #earmuffs #handmesomethingsharp

4.  “I touched my first butt to ‘I’ll Make Love to You’ in 7th grade” – BAHHADHHDASHDHAH.  Eric is a great kid.

5.  Do GTL and Josh share a room, and is that room one giant tanning bed, and is the dial on the bed turned to the Oompa Loompa Orange setting?  Is there also a bottomless hair gel dispenser in the bathroom?

6.  There isn’t enough vodka in this universe to prompt me to sing on stage.  And one reason is because I think those sweet, criggity crunked tone-deaf boys drank it all.

7.  OMG…  Marcus = Jake Pavelka!  Einhorn IS Finkle!  FINKLE is EINHORN!  There’s something off kilter there that I can’t put my finger on, and I give him about 2 more shows for it to come out.

8.  Bill Nye (JJ) at 80 = what happens when Christopher Lloyd + Magda from There’s Something About Mary procreate.

9.   Dylan is adorable.  And by adorable I mean smoldering.  He just captured the flag back from Farmer Ted.  And by flag, I mean underpants.

10.  Speaking of Farmer Ted…  whaaaaaat the *&$% happened to my boy?  Did he get shot up with a vile of the ebola virus?  Has he not slept since last week? He looks like Jimbo from Outbreak right before his eyeballs start bleeding and he goes into shock.  Somebody get that kid an IV of Vitamin C (or Vitamin Me) and a week-long nap.

11.  Is Josh actually an Endo Rep?  That’s for my peeps back at my old gig – y’all know it’s true!!

12.  Brian’s adorable.  The argyle’s doing him proud, but his on-court game did him prouder.  Wait – hey, hey buddy – over here!  Stop giggling about your half court shot for a sec – Andi actually JUST fell down with her legs up in the air.  Slash, you KINDA gotta love a good guy with no game.  They’re like a mythical endangered species that you only see on Animal Planet.

13.  That’s a baller dress.  BOOM!  …PS, wait.  Who slipped piss & vinegar in her bubbly?  Was this right after Eric told her she had a poker face?

14.  She doesn’t have a poker face – girlfriend’s got a bit of a short fuse.  Gyah…  she was so busy flying off the handle and taking what he said so personally that she didn’t even take the time to actually listen to where he was coming from, which seemed like a place of zero malice.  That whole meltdown of a scene just seemed so unnecessary and unfortunate.

15.  I’m sorry… Why are we so focused on how Eric’s death affected Andi?  No offense, she’s a nice girl and I’m sure she doesn’t feel great about his exit now that he’s passed, but if we’re gonna take some time to honor him, why couldn’t we have heard a great happy memory of him from each of the guys?  Or something.

Penny for your thoughts, Campers!  Go.


2 Responses to “Bachelorette Recap: Boys II Men, B-Ball & Eric”

  • as usual, your commentary is spot on. and hilarious.

    my guess is the producers wanted to show that he made an impact on her life and that’s what they were going after… i haven’t watched the full ep yet but just a guess.

    i still think she’s the best bachelorette yet though.

  • Looking forward to your next Bachelorette commentary with much anticipation. I watched 7/7/14 episode and agree that Andi acted as though Eric’s tragic death is only impacting her. I can’t get into Josh. Too Gaston-like. Not for nuthin’ but Farm Boy is a hottie, undereye bags and all. (I just realized I’m old enough to be his mom. I feel dirty.)

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