House Beautiful

Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Let’s discuss week 2, shall we?

1.  Timeouttimeouttimeout.  Lemme get this straight.  Tasos is a “Wedding Event Coordinator”?  OMG – do you think he knows Franck (pronounced: FRONCK) from Father of the Bride???

2.  Ew.  Josh M. the NBA player aka has wooden-glued-together-George-Washington-teeth is a PLAY-AH.

3.  She’s wearing a doily bikini??  That’s the only thing that could possibly top last season’s one piece.

4.  “Are you ready to shred this gnarly mountain?” might be the best thing I’ve ever heard her say.

5.   Andrew looks like Tom Hanks.

6.  If you ever, EVER made me traipse out in front of America and do a little jig with no pants on, sans a shot or twelve, I’d sh*t twice and die.

7.  Does Chris aka farmer Ted buy the mill outta that pinky-purple cotton fabric, then have his Maw sew him 1000 shirts out of it??  …that said, he can wear them ANY TIME he wants.

8.  The only thing better than a dude wearing pink with confidence is a dude wearing purply-pink with (humble) confidence.

9.  Chris aka Farmer Ted has just stolen Dylan aka Gaston’s thunder as the panty-dropper of the group.  TIMES 10.  He is PUH-RECIOUS.  Everyone else can go home.  #thebestboysaremidwestboys

10.  Slash, ANDI!  Be a love and hand him a hanky to blot his forehead.  The poor kid is sweating bullets.

11.  Is it just me?  I don’t think my skirt would fly over my head if I heard a dude singing opera to me.  If I had a weenis – and I don’t! – but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would have shrunk when I heard this dude belting it out.

12.  I don’t even know what to say about this.

13.  Dear Craig: You goof.  Most hilarious and (nearly) redeeming move, ever.  But so endearing:  “I bared my juuuuuuu-uhhhnnk to 13 other guys, but I hope and pray it’s alright… Ohhhh Andi!”  Bless his heart.

14.  Sweet Lord.  Tell me I’m not the only one who saw Chris Harrison slap Dylan’s – ahem – fanny.  Again.  He might be the most entertaining part of the show.

15.  Craig’s tone-deaf improv totally trumps the opera jam.

16.  Every time I see Marquel, I want a cookie.  Is that like a Pavlov’s dog thing?

17.  How sweet was the old couple at the race track??  Best love advice, ever.

18.  Really.  Are we almost in tears and going to ruin the whole evening huffing about one idiot child who took twelve too many shots?  Gurl, settle down.  Sh*t happens.  Let homeboy entertain himself in the pool.  When she got all voice-cracky and gave the other guys an almost-lecture and questioned their intentions, I rolled my eyes in super slow-mo.

19.  I can say things like that because I look SUPER awesome, all the time.

20.  Floral on Plaid?!?!  FLORAL ON PLAID, Marquel?!  His shirt matches the ikat pillows.  He tie matches my Grammy’s house dress from 1957….  the kid’s got balls.  I didn’t hate it.

21.  I’m sorry but who looks at Brett aka One Big Rattail’s ‘do and says, “Huh.  I think I want THAT guy to cut my hair.  He sure looks like he knows what he’s doing.”

22.  Seriously………  You know it’s true.

23.  All I keep thinking about is how rough it must be for Eric’s family and friends watching, like he’s still here.  And when he named off all 10+ of his nieces and nephews, all I kept thinking was how they must be like, “whewe’s Uncle Ewic?”  Sniff.

2 Responses to “Bachelorette Recap: Week 2”

  • By the time I got to the Alfred E Neuman dude I needed oxygen! Love this review!!

  • Hilarious review! I’ll give an “Amen” on Bullet #2 Mr. Piano Keys for Tooties is play-un BIG TIME. Major creep factor. Not sure I can continue watching this edition. Just not feeling it.

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