Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey. Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:
That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8. And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work. Moving along:
1. Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse. And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister. Both uncanny – bravo, girls! #ittakesavillage
2. Boop! A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?
Even Bart is confused.
3. I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.
4. So but for real: What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!? Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner? ………….it won.
5. This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials. Exhausting. Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.
Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.
6. Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow?? Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue. What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident?? I don’t even wanna think about it.
7. So listen. I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:
8. Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.
First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud. The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.
Then there’s Ben H. He’s damn precious.
9. On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:
She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA. Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text: “OOPSIE! I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after! Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING). Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor. I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.
10. Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring. Her jewelry game is on point this season.
And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game. Stunner.
11. I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.” Sing it sister.
12. Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives? Jiminy Christmas.
13. Is that Visine or are those real tears?
14. This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.
I demand a recount. Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus?? Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about?? Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.
15. I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard. I know they’re in there somewhere.
16. I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night. It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller. I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod
17. Dear Ben H: Wanna spoon? Love, Me.
18. Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise. I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.
Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.” Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l
((Drops mic)) See you next week!
with a special guest appearance by Karrie