Sooooo listen, here’s the thing… If you haven’t been here before, Covet Living is a blog is where we rap about cozy interiors (even for bambinos!); paleo experiments, pipe dream wedding registries and pappardelle; beautiful clothes and big cross country moves; doilies (…you heard me); Oscar Fashion & workout playlists & soulful life lessons… even devastating breakups. This is a glass-half-full, joyful, stream-of-consciousness lifestyle blog, and what I might love the most about this little labor of love that my best friend and I write is that if nothing else, it is always candid and always real.
So speaking of keeping it real… Once a week for as long as I can remember, I have used ABC’s the Bachelor / Bachelorette as an excuse to host a big gaggle of friends for wine and themed dinner party nights, and the next morning, I usually have some REAL colorful observations about the show. These who-on-earth-do-I-think-I-am comments are usually confined to my personal FB page – but at the urging of many peeps – we’re putting them on the blog from now on. Disclaimer: I am Little-Bo-Peep sweet in real life. It’s all in good fun. I’m sure these folks are all **lovely** (except Chris Bukowski – who drives me $#&($ bonkers), and if I ever hurt anyone’s feelings, I would probably tear up and get a running start to go hug them because I would feel so awful. And then I might bake them some peanut butter cookies, just for good measure.
With that said, let’s kick off a new tradition on Tuesday mornings called let’s rap about the nonsense and shenanigans that happened on last night’s Bachelor / Bachelorette. And by Tuesday, I maybe mean Wednesday, since the show doesn’t air till later Pacific time and it’s the length of a miniseries. Nonetheless, here she blows. We’re a little late, but let’s kick off by recapping last week’s premiere:
BACH RECAP: WEEK 1
1. How did I not notice it last season… What’s Andi walking like that for? Does she have to drop the kids off at the pool?
2. JJ = a dead ringer for Bill Nye the Science Guy.
3. Tasos. Sugar. Your pants are too short. And I’m not actually sure how that happened unless you bought them at Gymboree, because you’re 5’2”… with heels on.
4. Be honest… Is Rip Curl – aka GTL – from Muncie, IN? And by Muncie, I mean Yorktown. No offense to my Yorktown people – Nad (!) Meg (!)
5. Jason’s a (insert SERIOUS air quotes) “doc-tor”? Doctor of what? Playing the Operation board game in 1985 does not a doctor make.
6. DYLAN. Rawr. I’ll say it: He’s a panty dropper. Except he looks like Gaston from Beauty and the Beast in this pic.
7. “ANAL with an M”??!! …….FBDDJLKASJDLSAJLKDJSAIJiifjldkjklajjkl;fjdkl;fjkl;a. Still cackling. Hi-5 long distance buddy.
8. Could someone clear the bubble out of Craig’s throat? Cough & swallow or something kiddo.
9. If I took a sip of my wine every time she said, “Niiiiiiiiice,” I’d have been criggity crunked before the first commercial break. Kinda like this.
10. Brian the basketball coach is adorable.
11. Timeout: Andi reminds me of a lotta Deanna Pappas and a teeny bit of J.Lo. Pretty girl. Also… where did her southern redneck ghetto accent / vernacular all of a sudden come from?? Maybe I was too busy throwing shoes/plates/chairs at Juan Pablo / the TV to notice, but I didn’t hear one “y’all” out of her last season, and now she uses it at least thrice in every sentence.
12. Eric is adorable. So sad. He also looks just like James Marsden.
13. What’s up with the NBA player’s two front teeth? They’re like, George Washington wood-veneer-welded together as one. With plaque. #maybeitsjustabadglare #drivingthebustohell
14. The jungle fever cookie!!???? *$(#*$()*#)(*()*()&&*amp;#$! I die. I spit out my Thai lettuce wrap when he said that.
15. I thought I was finally cleansed of my least favorite Bachelorette contestant of all time… aka Chris… aka Kermit the Frog from Emily Maynard’s season, AND from his run on Bachelor Pad, which he should’ve been so embarrassed about that you’d think he’d never show his face on national TV again. And yet, here he is! Still acting like an angry, entitled toddler.
Also. I’d like to give him the gift of a solid week in the front row of Mr. Bullock’s 8th grade English class. The one where you learn about past participles.
16. I love Chris Harrison. When is one of the Bachelorettes gonna bag these other dudes and get wifed up by the best guy on TV?
17. Farmer Ted is so nervous – bless his heart! He needn’t be. Cuz what’d Samantha say?? Ee-i-ee-i-o.
18. Who on earth is decorating the Bachelor sets??? UGHHHHHH. 555-covetliving / 555-anneraedesign, yo.
19. OMG, she kept Rip Curl. I guarantee he has a 40 oz Diet Mountain Dew in his truck, a GNC VIP membership, and unlimited tanning this month.
20. Yo. Josh B. Aka Napoleon man-child in gingham: Nobody likes a bad attitude.
That’s all I got for premiere week. What did you guys think? Early faves? Anybody you threw a dinner plate at?
See you Campers next time!
*All images via ABC except #20. Click photo for source.