Archive for the 'Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps' Category

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Bachelorette Recap: The Shawn Monologues + Cupcake on a Cliff + Karrie chimes in!

Published on June 30, 2015 in Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps. 6 Comments Tags: bachelorette, ben h, ben z, cupcake on a cliff, in, janet jackson, jaynie cake, karrie guest appearance, mushroom tip, recap, sham wow, visine, winona.

Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey. Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:

bach pregame

That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8. And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work. Moving along:

1. Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse. And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister. Both uncanny – bravo, girls! #ittakesavillage

ben h peter brady shawn alf

2. Boop! A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?

Even Bart is confused.

bart doesn't get it either

3. I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.

4. So but for real: What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!? Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner? ………….it won.

JJ Teeth

5. This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials. Exhausting. Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.

Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.

6. Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow?? Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue. What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident?? I don’t even wanna think about it.

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7. So listen. I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:

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8. Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.

bens

First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud. The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.

Then there’s Ben H. He’s damn precious.

ben h

9. On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:

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She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA. Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text: “OOPSIE! I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after! Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING). Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor. I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.

10. Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring. Her jewelry game is on point this season.

ring

And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game. Stunner.

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11. I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.” Sing it sister.

12. Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives? Jiminy Christmas.

days of our lives

13. Is that Visine or are those real tears?

visine or tears

14. This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.

I demand a recount. Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus?? Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about?? Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.

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15. I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard. I know they’re in there somewhere.

grass-510x738

16. I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night. It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller. I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod

17. Dear Ben H: Wanna spoon? Love, Me.

spoon

18. Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise. I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.

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cupcake sad 3

Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.” Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l

karrie steph

((Drops mic)) See you next week!

xoxo,

with a special guest appearance by Karrie

6 Comments

Bachelorette Recap: Week OHMYGYAH She Found Captain Winky in Nick’s Skinny Jeans

Published on June 26, 2015 in Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps. 13 Comments Tags: adventures in babysitting, alf, cranberries, dublin, funeral scene, ian is the d-bag of the year, nick, peter brady, sham wow, whoville.

Sorry this post is – oh – a cool 3 days late. My bad guys! It was a *COUGH* ahem – busy week… with work, and well. Ye know. Recycling.

stella

Anyhow – better late than never, right??

Let’s kick off with some doppelgängers I cannot be-LIEVE I missed before, brought to me by my trusty buddies. Hey. It takes a village:

1. Uncanny, Campers. Ben H is Peter Brady. Peter Brady is Ben H! Finkle IS Einhorn (!!!!!) Also… he’s *kind* of like the cutest Who from Whoville I’ve ever seen.

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2. Even more uncanny… as if that were possible:

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3. When I look at him, I feel really pressured to make a decision about whether I wanna order a Ham Slam, Scram slam, All-American slam or a Senior French Toast Slam.

denny's

4. “Things have gotten out of hand“??? Cupcake, sugar… you know what’s out of hand is that jacket.

cupcake jacket

5. One more Doppelganger, courtesy of my home skillet Alison from CofC. Amazing.

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6. I mean. If he has to do a #2 SO badly, why doesn’t he just excuse himself and go drop the Cosby kids off at the pool already? Cuz the only thing that could possibly explain the perma-grimace on his face is that he’s *constantly* thinking about how he’s gonna maneuver a brick through a drinking straw.

7. I love that Cookie Monster sandwiched his holier-than-thou speech about depth and substance with an intro about being a former model (so yucky) + how his ex was way hotter than Kaitlyn, and a caboose about how he just needed to have some sex. What a stand-up guy! After his SUPER deep performance on the last few episodes, the only person that guy’s gonna be having sex with is his right palm. #dbagoftheyear

8. Sham-wow did make a funny during the funeral scene, which I enjoyed. In other news, Sham-wow has some serious DSL’s. And Sham-wow REAALLLY needs to tone down the meltdowns. I feel like if somebody makes Sham-wow weaaawy mad, he’s gonna turn into the Incredible Hulk and his veins are gonna pop out of his head.

9. The whole funeral scene – while the eulogies were funny, and they went to great lengths to spin it as a celebration – it JYEST kinda felt like it was in poor taste… was that just me?? Especially having Ben Z there for it. I dunno – shouldn’t somebody have been a smidge more sensitive to him?

10. Children of the 90’s… a moment of silence, please. When I heard the first notes of “Linger,” I gasped, turned into one big goose bump, then time warped back to a party in 7th grade in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement – complete with strobe lights & plaid shirts & epic middle school crushes. Then I shed one single tear in the name of nostalgia overload.

11. Can I call BS real fast? So yo. I’m not gonna shame her for letting Nick touch her where she pees… they’re consenting adults, yadda yadda. Big kids make their own decisions. But hearing her say she didn’t know this was going to happen / would never have done it if she had known it would cause anybody any problems – I meeeeeean, c’mon. Girl you’re smart – ya knew.

Also: what on earth would give her the idea that Nick might say something to the guys? Cooooooould itbethefactthat (to everyone’s horror) Nick publicly outed Andi for boinking him in the fantasy suite?

fury

12. I mean. That is some go-go-gadget audio. Good LAWD. ((Earmuffs)) #nsftv

Sorry so late and sorry so short! Since people don’t normally comment, we don’t always know that anyone – besides Jayne, Tina and our other bestie Melissa – reads Covet Living. But then I got inboxed about 100 nastygrams asking me where the post was. Alright al-RIGHT! I get it – I’ll do better next week. xoxoxoxoxooxoxoxox

13. PS oh NUTBUCKETS! I forgot about taco night! So, I host a gaggle of chicks at my house every Monday for the show. This past week we did carnitas… so err-buddy else brought taco fixins, and I did the pork. I loathe touching raw meat, but this wasn’t so bad. I used this recipe as a benchmark, but when Trader Joe’s didn’t have a 3 lb raw pork butt, I bought 3 packages of already-cooked / just needed to be heated carnitas:

Instead of “microwaving” it per the package’s instructions (wuf), I emptied all 3 packs into a large glass bowl on Monday morning… broke up the pork chunks into much smaller shreds… then seasoned with the lime juice, salt, cumin, garlic cloves and orange juice that the recipe called for. Let that marinate while I was at work, and when I came home, I popped it all in the dutch oven and heated it up on low, stirring occasionally. Eventually, I dumped some regular taco seasoning, a little more cumin and a pinch more salt in, and THEN they were perfect:

BOOM. We garnished with gobs of cilantro, GOAT cheese (you heard me), fresh tomatoes from my girl Becky’s garden, and the most delicious homemade roasted tomato salsa I’ve ever had – courtesy of my girl Yesse’s family recipe that she’d prob have to kill me if she gave me.