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Bachelor Finale: The Whitney Monologues, I Love Mrs. Chris, & Britt Blasphemy

First, let’s set the scene.  This is what my house looks like on Monday nights… there are more bottles of wine and more Papa John’s dipping sauces than there are people. No one comes over in real clothes – just sweatpants and fuzzy socks.  It is glorious.

vino night

pizza at my house

1. Did Chris Harrison just air quote Kelsey?  BWHADHSJAKHDJSKAH.  Classic.

1 - air quotes

2. Gettin ready for a flood, big fella?  Maybe a snowstorm?  What’s with the capris?

2 - capris

3. Not that I don’t appreciate his affinity for the word “extremely,” but I think this Christmas, I’m going to send Chris a thesaurus with a big red bow.  Or, maybe just this:

Extremely Synonyms

4. I wish I could’ve snapped a shot to sufficiently capture it, but why does Whitney walk like her arms dare not touch the side of her body and like she’s high-stepping over tall patches of grass?

5. That toast at the dinner table?  Sniff.  So listen… Whitney talks A LOT.  And she talks at a helium-sucking octave only dolphins can hear – the kind that opens garage doors – but she’s breakin’ my damn heart.  And Mr. Chris’ heart.  (See the single tear??)

5 - single tear mr chris

6.  THIS was the cutest thing I ever did see.  All the little peanuts (!)

6 - adorable

7. Just for em-phass-iss, here’s a transcription of Chris trying to explain to his sisters what was so special about Becca, and fumbling/stuttering all over himself:

I don’t know what it is about Becca… but… there’s a certain chemistry I have with her that’s hard to find.  She’s… (10 second pause) witty… she’s (5 second pause) charming…  she’s not as outgoing as Whitney, but she can charm the pants off of you if she wants… (gazes to cornfield for answers)…

defending becca

uhhhh… uhhhh… she’s… she’s…. (20 second pause)…  athletic… she’s…. she has… I dunno.  She’s kinda… (gazes at his friends the cows for a lifeline)… she’s also very grounded and very… (insert impatient look from sister with short hair, like she’s gotta pee and wants to know when the real answer’s comin’ and if she has time to run to the can real fast)…


….Becca’s someone who can ground me… I think… not that I’m not grounded, but… (more cows)… she has certain qualities that are different, but… (perplexed look)… pretty cool.”

And if you think that was hard for you to read, then multiply it by 10 and that’s how painful it was to watch.

8.  Lori = my favorite sister and also = the doppelgänger for my old friend Missy Firestone.  What up girl!?


9.  When I saw T-H-I-S… Chris like a giddy school boy waiting for Becca to get out of the SUV and not being able to contain himself, I almost started helping Whitney pack.  It really was Becca’s game to lose.

i love becca

10.  TIMEOUT:  Possessionista – what nail color is this?  These are the things I rely on you for.  Please and thanks.


11.  Please excuse my love affair with Mrs. Chris, but at least I’m consistent – I adored her last season, too.  This here is the woman I wanna throw back Blue Moons with on a Saturday afternoon, while we have a deep-throated cackle fest.  Then hug and bake brownies.  While she scratches my head and teaches me life lessons.



linda hug

12.  “Chris is an amazing man, and I haven’t been able to say that about anyone in a really long time.” Como-say-HUH? …like since when?  Since the Phi Delta Gamma winter formal?  What a sweetie pie she is, but seriously – she just got boobs last semester.


13.  On a sidenote: she looks more & more stunning every episode.  Prettiest slice of Melba toast I ever did see.  Slash do we think Chris filed these in the spank bank?

becca is stunning


14. Timeout: Who’s the “California girl” who “didn’t wanna come to Iowa“?

15.  Mrs. Chris = Yoda.

Linda Soules Quote, Covet Living

16. I call this series, “Hey Whit!  Did you check in for your flight yet?” …YIKES.  You know I love #whitneyforpresident, because I think she is a diplomatic, caring, wonderful soul, but I didn’t see him all entangled like a twisty vine and gazing at her like this.  Thank heavens Whitney’s not watching the show… #seenoevilhearnoevil

loves her


17.  If there are no chiropractic jobs in Arlington, then the silver lining is that Becca has a promising future as a ventriloquist.

18.  “I can’t make any promises on a timeline of when I would be ready to move and pick up my life” = (me shaking head), see ya sister.  Nobody wants to be put on hold indefinitely, and that’s a tough one to stick around for.  Indecision is still a decision, love nut.  Chris is a smart man for realizing that.


i can't move

19. This was like a field trip we would’ve taken in Mrs. Wickersham’s 4th grade class to a corn field near by.  That was the most scientific definition of farming I’ve ever heard: “It’s pullin it up and poppin it in.”  And bless Whitney’s heart for acting like Chris just made water out of wine (or is it wine out of water?)… She’ll be a really great mom.

corn is amazing

20.  I know the producers can edit things to tell whatever story they want…  but there were so many schmoopy, sugary monologues that I think I started ear-muffing at one point.   She was REALLY sellin’ it.  And they may’ve hid all the footage where Chris acted as into her as he was to Becca, but they couldn’t invent Chris’ uncomfortable body language towards her.  Something just doesn’t add up here… you know I always rooted for Whitney, but am I nuts?


21.  God love ‘er.  Do you think she noticed that she was the ONLY one talking in almost every scene, including the proposal???  I literally woke up in the middle of the night and saw her mouth moving in fast forward and felt my head spinning, but heard no words coming out.  Just noise.


22.  It’s Girl Scout cookie time!!!  Hey.  If you don’t believe me, just ask my old friend, PG.

Power Gut

23.  I am crossing my fingers that Chris doesn’t have to hit an E! Red Carpet Mani Cam with those puppies, cuz kiddies the world over would be screaming if they saw those things walking down the mani cami cat walk at ’em.  Does he trim them with a chainsaw?  Somebody get that boy a mani… ‘fore he accidentally slits his new DWTS partner’s throat with his index fingernail.

pretty mani

24.  Does Becca actually feel anything on the inside?  …It’s a legitimate question.  Remember when he let her go and she didn’t even flinch?

no emotion

25.  Somebody fetch Whitney a Xanax fer &$#%^’s sake.  Or a paper bag.

26.  Good for them – I hope they make it.  Who knows what really happens behind closed doors, or off camera.  She obviously loves all of him – including his dolphin laugh and his jagged mani… and he obviously loves her bouncy white Pollyanna tendrils and squeaky voice.

maybe they're in love

27.  Why does he seem so nervous during After the Final Rose?  Like he’s waiting for a bomb to go off.  I’m tellin’ ya.  There’s some kind of lingering tension that just doesn’t feel right.


28.  “Bottom line was Becca wasn’t into you” = Bahahahha, ouch, Jimmy Kimmel.  But probably true.  What do you guys think?


29.  I threatened not to watch if they made Britt the Bachelorette, and I told someone who works on the show that I would literally stick a spork in one of my eyeballs if they chose her…  and I said it cuz I honestly thought there was NO WAY she would make the cut after her toddler temper tantrum(s) heard round the world… What is this, 6-and-under T-ball?  It’s like she cried and acted like a petulant child when she didn’t get her way, so ABC gave her a lollipop – otherwise known as a shot on the Bachelorette.  And that unstoppable flood of tears from last week dried up REAL fast – like, as fast as toddler tears the second you hand them a treat.  I’m just confused why we’re rewarding such disingenuous behavior… and why Kaitlyn, who is totally deserving of being the Bachelorette, now has the share the throne in what is going to become a sad “which girl is hotter?” contest.  Did you guys read what Sean Lowe wrote about it being totally degrading?  He’s TOTALLY right.

Britt and Kaitlyn

30. Possessionista: where’s Kaitlyn’s ring from?


31.  Timeout: the girl in the blue behind Ashley is my college v-ball teammate and co-captain, Shawn Beckham!  What up, girl!!!

Shawn Beckham

Shawn Beckham2

32.  This is the last and maybe the only serious thing I have to say, and it’s perhaps why my love for Chris’ family – particularly his mother – hits so deep and so close to home: Because any parent in the world who behaves in ANY fashion other than the way Chris’ parents behaved – which is to not only treat their own children with respect, but to also treat the people their children love with respect and kindness – well… if you’re a parent and you find yourself doing anything else, or worse – doing the polar opposite, you should *probably* go back to the drawing board and check yourself, check your moral compass and check your motives.  And reconsider whether or not you really have your kids’ best interest at heart… or solely your own. Because to behave in any other way than the way that Chris’ parents did is just a crying shame, and no one deserves it… least of all, your kids.  And antagonizing the people your kids love doesn’t do anything to ensure that you’ll never be alone… but it does ensure that after you’re gone, your kids will.

In Laws

That’s all I got!  If you’re new to this blog, then please – stick around!  Snoop around! I’m Stephanie, Karrie and I are lifelong pals, and when I’m not rapping on Tuesdays about the Bach, this blog is really – at its core – a lifestyle/decor blog (with a soul)… below are a few posts readers loved that you may also wanna check out… (you can also follow us on Insta – Steph | Karrie):

{ON SUMMER FASHION} Effortlessly Cool 

effortlessly cool

{ON LOVE} 10 Things I’ve Learned About Marriage


{DIY} DIY Dining Chair Redo


{ON THINGS WE LOVE} Currently Loving…

spring dress

{ON TAKING RISKS} California, Here I Come!


{ON WISE WORDS} Words to Live By

words to live by

{ON FOOD} BBQ Turkey Meatballs with Cheddar Corn Quinoa

bbq chicken meatballs


Steph's Scanned Signature

Bach Week 9: The Women Tell All

1.  Honestly, Crouching Mom / Hidden Cougar could’ve been any one of our moms after about a half a glass of Pinot Grigio.  There were envious 50-something-year-old loins aflame everywhere last night…  Love it.


2.  Omg, the last party they crashed.  BAHAHHAHHA.


3.  Ashley’s faces were ON POINT last night.  I can’t believe these words are about to fall out of my mouth, but now I think I might have a soft spot for my old buddy Tarantulashes.

Also, this blog post will self-destruct in 5 seconds…



4.  I heard Britt has spent the past few months recovering from “heartbreak” back home in Michigan… So now, listen: As a corn-fed girl, I know better than anyone a) what happens in the Midwest and b) what happens in the Midwest in the winter time… as is evidenced by the fact that my pants split over Christmas.

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 9.39.54 AM

And that is why I can say without hesitation that the Midwest meat & taters phenomenon skipped Britt’s hips and landed right in her cheeks.  Did I just say that out loud??  I did.  Oosie.  But she looked WAY noticeably different last night.  And obviously by different, I mean bloated.

britt's face

5.  Haaaaaaa – Who was it that said, re: Ashley I – “…yeah but her mouth is not a virgin.” #onpoint #largemouthbass

6.  I thought THIS shenanigan would never end.  No one won in the battle of Britt vs. Carly.  We all just lost hours of our lives.

britt v carly

7.  When Jillian bowed up and went to town on (everybody) who was ganging up on Britt, I kept waiting for her veins to burst and her muscles to explode and her dress to fall into shreds on the ground, like the Incredible Hulk.  Then, I realized that I think she wants to set up camp in Britt’s drawers.

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 7.16.52 AM

8.  Oh hey Cricket from Hart of Dixie!  I love that show and I can’t help it.  Judge away.


9.  Can somebody get Britt a ponytail holder? Cuz if she touches her weave one more time it’s gonna fall out.  While we’re at it, she could use 7 boxes of tissues and a mani.


10.  This is the second to last thing I’m going to say about her: Honey.  If you & Chris were MFEO, one moment in time because of something one other girl said couldn’t possibly have ruined it.  Pretty sure you left the show because Chris said: “That’s not how I want my wife to act.”  Not because you & Carly had a spat on the playground at recess.

11.  Somebody get this poor chile some under eye concealer.  Or a nap.

dark circles

12.  Kelsey saying “I know this is a love story about Chris, but this is my love story too” reminds me of the time she wrote her husband’s entire obituary, and 75% of it was about her and her accomplishments.  She frightens me beyond belief.

13.  What’s *really* amazing is how many times I think she rehearsed that Amazing speech.  The jig is up sister!  Yer scary and America knows it.


14.  Behold: My hero.

ashley s

I think she officially might be the most hilarious person – maybe the smartest – and by far the best at mocking the show – ever to be on.  I was in effing stitches, definitely let out a little pee, and fell over laughing 17x during her 4 minute segment.  Best lines included:

There was only one cat, and it didn’t reply.” // “It’s so weird… just that we’re all on TV.” // “I was really bored.”

Ashley on Bachelor in Paradise will be the best gift I’ve ever gotten.

15.  Also, her skin is FLAW-LESS.  Crazy becomes her.

ashley s skin

16. Did Jade got her painted-on-red-dress from Stiffler’s Mom’s closet??


17.  Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt: she *almost* had me feeling sorry for her for being misunderstood.  But if any of us had any doubt that she is artfully skilled at talking out of both sides of her mouth, how about the time she LITERALLY said to Chris: “I respect you and I don’t blame you for believing Carly!” and 10 seconds later said, “I knew you weren’t that small-minded and would never take someone else’s word like that.”  Gowl, do you even hear yourself?

both sides of her mouth

18.  Why is he in a clammy sweat?  Yikes.  Somebody get this poor guy a towel and a Xanax.  And for the love of God, a media coach.

cold sweat

19.  Dear Chris: if I’m the girl you chose, or even one of the final two, the absolute last thing I wanna hear you say is that your choice to keep me was like throwing darts in the dark.  Huh??


20.  Can we all discuss how stunning Kaitlyn looks, and how poised, articulate and hilarious she is?!  She’s come a long way for me. #bachelorette2015


21.  Did Jade seriously suggest that if Chris was uncomfortable he should’ve said: “Let’s save these (naked photos of your labia flapping in the wind) for something special”?  Like, fer WHAT?  For the highlight reel at your wedding?


22.  Loved Ashley / Tarantulashes’ dress.

23.  Did you see who he ran to bear hug first after the show closed??  Carly.  Shows to go ya, Bambi.

What did I miss??  Who’s pumped for the 3 hour finale?  And if you live in San Diego, duh – come over.  Biggest Bachelor Rager of the Year!


Steph's Scanned Signature