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Bachelor Week 8: Swass in Bali

Meh…  I thought last night’s episode was kind of uneventful – was it just me?  Maybe it’s because the 3 girls that are left are sweet and normal, so I’m runnin’ low on crazies to rap about.  In any case, here’s what I got.  Ya’ll weigh in and lemme know what I missed.

1.  LAWD – the SWASS!  I mean, look at these two.  They’re melting.  It must’ve been 185 degrees in Bali.

Swass in Bali | Covet Living

Thank GOD I didn’t go on this season, because this is what my hair would’ve looked like.

buckwheat 357

Slash how is Becca’s staying so artfully disheveled?


2.  I really like Kaitlyn, and I REALLY loved her dress, and this was the best shot I could get of it.  The worst thing I have to say about her is that I wish she would take out her nose ring.  Otherwise I find her adorable and fun and endearing.

Kaitlyn's Dress | Covet Living

3.  This is a bit much.


4.  Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird when anyone over the age of 4 does this? …or, try watching your boyfriend’s mom do it.


Case in point: me at 4.

daddy | via covet living

5.  Apparently Whitney’s got a tickle in her shorts this week… she was really gettin’ after it.


6.  Best she’s looked all season.  Gorgeous sans makeup, and sans Aqua Net.


7.  I got superlatives all day long for this girl…  BEST ANSWER IN BACHELOR HISTORY:  “I firmly believe that life takes you places, and it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with.” Amen sistah.  Life’s too short to hem and haw and not take a leap for someone you love.  #priorities #whitneyforpresident


8.  Done and done.  Look at ’em lookin’ at each other.



9.  The most interesting thing to me about Becca + Chris’ date was Becca’s pretty hair.  I thought she looked stunning this week.  Bali becomes her.


Otherwise I was bored to damn TEARS.  She’s sweet, he’s sweet, we get it, but LAWD. It’s like two slices of Melba toast sandwiched together with air in the middle.  I think he definitely needs someone spontaneous & spunky like Kaitlyn to draw him out a little… or self-assured and fun like Whitney.  Am I allowed to call Becca a dud?

…oosie.  Guess I just did.  Also, have you noticed that she clenches her teeth and barely moves her lips when she talks?  It’s a wonder that girl can enunciate at all.


10.  20-second timeout: Can we talk about my boy Chris Harrison?  Can they please do a tweener season where he’s the Bachelor?  He’s flipping hilarious.  And getting more good looking with age.

chris harrison

11.  Prince Ahh-LEEEE, fabulous he, ali-ah-BAHHH-BWAAAAAAAHHHHH.  I’m sure that’s culturally incorrect and I just offended eastern cultures everywhere, but that’s the song I sing when I see pretty outfits like this.

prince ali

And it’s the song I sang all day while I was draped in saris and bindies at Vani’s Indian wedding.

Vani's Wedding

What a good sport she is.

me and vani

12.  PS I liked Whitney’s hair better right after she got out of the water.


Anybody got a guess what her favorite movie is?  …what up, Truvy!


13.  FINALLY – an outfit that accentuates Chris’ power gut… something I’ve been perplexed about all season.  It’s like a little silo away from home in his buddha.  Is he stowing corn from the farm in there?  Soybeans?  Did one of those chicks who threw herself at him knock him up?  Is it just a ball of muscle mixed with beer?  I don’t get it.  Kudos to my girl Hannah Cheese & her gal pal for coining the term (Go Owls!)

power gut

14.  I don’t know what the whole pulling-Becca-aside-shenanigan was, or why he kept her over Kaitlyn, but diff’rent strokes.  The only good thing I have to say about Kaitlyn leaving is that I’m crossing my fingers she’s the next Bachelorette… cuz if ABC / Next Entertainment even THINKS about putting Britt on, I’m going to choke to death on my own vomit and boycott the show.  In other news… I was so confused how Kaitlyn managed to cry dry tears until she got into the limo.  And if Chris told her one more time how “excruciating” the decision to let her go was, I was going to throw a Thesaurus at the TV.

kaitlyn exit

15.  No joke.  This is how my man Gus watches the show.  Move it or lose it, camper! The best line of the night came from a buddy who popped over to watch: “Gus, you’re never going to be president if you keep eating paper towels like that.”  HDHSKAHDKHjhdsjkahdjkahjdha.  #gusgusforpresident

gus for president

What did I miss?  And is Becca rounding 3rd and gonna edge Whitney out in a close overtime thriller at the end?  I thought Whit was a lock but maybe I missed some mystical, cosmic, Melba Toast 4-Eva thing between Chris & Becca.

In other news, I cannot WAIT to be reunited with my favorite Frenemies next week, including but not limited to Tarantulashes, Lucifer in LL Bean and Inflatable Lady Bits. And again… I can rap in good fun about these floozies, because obviously, I’m perfect:

steph in the morning


Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelor Week 5: Driving the Minivan to Hell


Tiiiiiiiimeouttimeouttimeout…  Before we even launch into this week’s lunacy, may I please retract last week’s sugary statement about how wholesome and unassuming Jade was?  Cuz SOMEBODY inbox’d me Jason Biggs’ tweet, which was a bare nekkid remnant from Cinderella’s Jade’s stint in the porn industry, and it was more of anyone’s she-vittles than I *ever* needed to see…   (PARENTS THE WORLD OVER, I WOULD NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF I WERE YOU, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE…)  Pretty sure I washed my eyeballs out with soap afterward.  Because I am Little Bo Peep.

steph as a kiddo

Alright.  Onto Week 5.  Here we go:

1. Can I get a big round of applause for ABC, who graciously treated sweet Meghan to her VERY first, all-expense-paid trip to the tropical, foreign beaches of Santa Fe, New Mexico??  Now in all seriousness…  I get why the girls have to take the Myers Briggs test, STD tests and the psych tests before they come on the show.   But just fer sh*ts & giggles:  somebody throw a spelling, geography or math test in the mix. And maybe check to see if everyone spells her own name right, just for good measure.  That said… I still love her.  I can’t help it.  The chick is hilarious.


2. I am so uncomfortable I can’t stand it.  Gus and I hid under the couch in unison with earmuffs and blinders on.  Watching Chris & Carly play strip yoga might actually be THE only thing worse than being forced to watch porn sitting sandwiched between your parents.  And by porn, naturally I mean Jade.


3.  “It’s called heart, um….  Oh yeah-yeah.  I remember: ‘congestive heart failure.'”  I have no words… except to say I think it’s in almost as poor taste for me to say that I think she may’ve put Clorox in her husband’s coffee as it is for her to talk about his passing with a nonchalant grin on her face and the giddy excitement of someone who thinks she’s about to make it big on TV.  She scares the everliving bejesus out of me.

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4.  God bless her.  I’m tryin to throw my girl Meg a bone, but she makes it really tough when she says things like, “the first thing I thought were…”  My guess is she’s been hanging out with Tarantulashes for one rose ceremony too many.


5.  Jade’s overboard!!  Wait, Chris honey she doesn’t need your help!  She has magical inflatable lady bits in her shorts!  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, kindly refer to #1.


6.  Aw Jordan.  I admire her for coming back all sober and humble.  I didn’t even recognize her.


7.  Ohmigod.  Ashley & I like, TOTALLY have the same outfit on!  Except I haven’t worn a shirt dress shirt that small since I was 18 months old.  #marriagematerial right there, folks.  Look Ma, no pants!

Ashley and Stephanie as a Fat Baby

8. Best, most gracious and respectful reaction ever to Jordan crashing the group date.  I love her, and I’m friending her in real life in San Diego.  If he picks her or Whitney in the end, everything will be right in the world.


9.  GYAH.  Someone put all of us out of our misery and send this girl back to jersey.  “I was SO mind-boggled” might’ve been her best work this week.  I can’t wait until “The Women Tell All” when she tells us all how she was like, totally misunderstood this season and that the producers like, edited everything to make her look SEH. BAHD.



10. “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be anything she’s not, and that’s the scary thing” = RIGHT on point, said my girl the high-pitched baby whisperer.  She’s like the queen of the artfully diplomatic dig.


11.  If ever you had any doubts about what Whitney just said about Tarantulashes, just take a gander… Anybody have any questions?

What a gem

12. Seriously?  The “I’ve never seen fire before!” reaction and the hopscotch Mouseketeer meltdown a whole *10 minutes* after we almost had to call the Wambulance over her lifelong phobia of heights?  …I call phoney baloney.  Also, if she doesn’t close her mouth, she’s gonna catch every bug in New Mexico.  Which is actually right next to Uruguay, you know.  Just ask my girl Meghan.

Screen Shot 2015-02-02 at 11.34.49 PM

13.  Now listen.  I’m not suggesting Kelsey pull an Ashley and show up in baby clothes that scarcely cover her moose knuckle, but if it had been me and I were about to go in for the kill with Chris, I PROBABLY wouldn’t have gotten decked out in my best LL Bean Soccer Mom get-up and popped Shirley Temple hot rollers in my hair ‘fore I traipsed over to his room.  Just sayin’.  But hey – I gotta give it to her.  She’s one pretty pilgrim.


14.  Kelsey may *look* like cross between Olive Oil and a Pilgrim… but this chick actually might be Lucifer, with the personality of a piece of Melba Toast.  For the record, these were the faces she was making as she actually spoke the words: “Isn’t my story tragic story so AMAZING?  I love my story.” While smiling.  It made my insides curdle.

IMG_6355 IMG_6356 IMG_6359

15.  This is what Gus thinks of Kelsey, and the feigned panic attack (eye roll) that flung the rose ceremony into next week….


…Oz has spoken.

Have a great week, kids!!

Steph's Scanned Signature