Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps

1. Chez moi last night. Italiano (!) So good.

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And if you haven’t made these turkey meatballs yet, then you aren’t livin. Gus is a good helper… look at that face! Like no one’s ever fed or loved him a day in his life. #andtheoscargoestogus

2. Just a little snack to warm it up… this knee-slapper came to me via my Fairy Godmother JB from Jersey. I have not stopped howling for a week. You know I love Bart – even in spite of his toddler Tonka Twuck fussy meltdown last week – but this is the truth:

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3. Another one from Megan on Twitter. I DIE. BFdhjkhfjkahjhajkhahahhahaha. Shiest – I get by with a little help from my friends.

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4. Also, I know I’m a real skank for making fun of these poor unfortunate souls every week. So to level the playing field, here’s what my hair looks like in the morning. Pretty sure Mufasa is my doppelgänger. You’re welcome. With any luck, potential suitors everywhere will be reading this post.

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5. Are Kaitlyn & Ben repping the J.Crew Kennybunkport collection ca 1997? Hey – I’m not complaining. I dig a good cable knit. OMG is it Fall yet??

6. Peter Brady in a DILF sweater in cold weather is like a sweet slice of apple pie on an Indian Summer day. On a hay ride. Like buttah.

7. Ben H is (er, was until last week) 25?!!? Lawd. I’m not sure if his balls have dropped yet, but bless his heart – it looked like somebody took the eraser of a No. 2 pencil to the back of his head. Cutest bald spot I’ve ever seen. In other news, he’s a *really* good guy and always seems to say the right thing, but was it just me?? I didn’t see it between them. They were adorable, great on paper, probably really liked each other cuz they’re both cool people but I dunno… something was missing, right?

Sidenote: DAYUM. That girl can rock a red dress.

8. Hands-down the best thing I’ve ever seen on this show. I was also delighted to see him not acting like his head was inside a vice and about to explode.

Alf has never looked so good. That’s just not a bad bod.

When she picked his clothes up and ran for the hills, I knew we were destined to be besties.

9. Is he serious with those cap sleeves? Honey, your clothes are all size XXXS. We can already see your muscles (…and as Karrie so aptly pointed out a few weeks ago – we can also see your mushroom tip through your skinny jeans).

10. How did I not know Nick had 98 siblings?

11. Bella’s a little sweetie pie, but did the producers tell her Santa wasn’t real to make her cry so they could shoot it and pretend she was still distraught that Nick + Andi didn’t work out? That part was straight bizarre.

12. I found his Mom’s passive-aggressive dig at Andi was unnecessary… Yikes – hell hath no fury like a (family) scorned. Speaking of his mom… I can’t decide what I liked better: her magical Birkenstocks or her ‘do. I’m also pretty sure there’s a giant dreamcatcher hanging above her bed.

13. The family hair game is uncanny. Do you think she gave him a blowdryer for his 5th birthday and was like, “ok honey… now aim it at the back of your head like this and turn it on full blast“?

14. Most endearing part of the show. #bellaforpresident

15. I hate to be an a-hole but how come nobody told Shawn’s Pa that he had a bat in the cave? That ain’t cool. I tried to help… it didn’t work.

In other news, can we talk about what a baller my dog is? Have y’all met ~~Gus~~ the Tazmanian devil?

xoxo,

1. I’ve seen and heard some whoppers on this show, but my jaw hit the floor and I think I heard the audible sound of my heart breaking when Ben admitted he’d REALLY loved the girl he was with before, that she hadn’t really loved him back, and that he was scared he was unlovable. That takes a lot of humility and a big man to say out loud. Proof that we’re all human.

unlovable

2. I will never understand how she looks at Nick and doesn’t see Count Chocula.

Chocula

3. Bart – I expect better from you! Ya didn’t do me proud bud. We’re not in 7th grade anymore… don’t be a d*ck.

c'mon bart

Tangent: Slash remind me to tell you the wacktastic way I size people up… okay I’ll tell you now: I’ve done this for YEARS whenever I can’t quite figure someone out, and it helps me apples-to-apples ’em. I throw an imaginary Burris or CofC volleyball jersey on ’em and I think to myself, “Self – what kind of teammate would this person have been? The naturally gifted but selfish/entitled player who wants all the glory and pouts when they don’t get it? The player who chokes in crunch time? The player who doesn’t work hard in practice but just wants to show up for games? Or are they the team player who bares down and keeps a good attitude when things get tough? Or pumps everybody else up when the score is 0-23 and it would be easier to just fold?” It’s silly but putting someone in the context of an imaginary (adverse/athletic) situation always helps me discern peoples’ character. It’s all fun and games – on the court and in real life – until sh*t gets tough; that’s when true colors emerge and you figure out who people really are. What did Tom Hanks say in A League of Their Own?? (I used this in my Stryker interview, ps… What up Romsey! “It’s supposed to be hard. If it wasn’t hard everyone else would do it. The hard is what makes it great.“)

4. Is it freezing in Ireland, or did she just do a giant 8 ball? I’ve never seen anyone sniffle and touch their nose so much… then again *COUGH* this has been known to go on right under my ~~roof~~ nose. Pun intended. In any case, some obliging suitor lend this girl a sleeve.

5. Did I miss a doppel? This one’s a bit far-fetched… and maybe it’s because they both kinda look like White Fang. Or maybe it’s because I’m trying to throw Denny’s a bone since I’ve busted his chops all season and he really is a good kid.

6. Darlin don’t use your sleeve! Go grab a $#^@#&-ing Sham-Wow for &$#^’s sake. I’ve been telling you this for WEEKS. Now hand it to Kaitlyn so she can blow her nose.

7. I was sure a bomb was gonna go off on set when Kaitlyn told him she’d let Nick play in her underpants… then for a second I was totally admiring Shawn’s restraint… but in the end I realized that he probably did the equivalent of swallowing a grenade, cuz a blood vessel DEF popped out of his head.

8. Fair point: “you told me I was the one, then (let Nick touch you where you pee)… Why would you jeopardize that?” // Fair answer: “At the end of this, I will never explore another relationship.” I say it’s a tie.

9. She was making a whole lotta sense until she kinda scolded Shawn and told him that he needed to trust her. Uh, not sure you’ve earned that peanut. Pretty sure this was what my face looked like at that moment:

10. Is there a westerly wind permanently blowing his hair into that ‘do? Is the left side of his head a helipad? I don’t get it.

11. But for real – who wrote this speech? Cuz those weren’t her words… it was like watching a 4th grader try to remember her lines in the school play.

12. Timeout timeout: his name is “Jarrod”?? I honestly never knew. Slash, Classiest exit in Bachelor History. What a stand-up guy. I died once last night with Ben H’s “unlovable” bit, but I died again watching Denny’s shed strawberry milkshake tears.

13. You know I hate to give Nick props but that’s a great DILF sweater.

14. I choked on my own verp when I heard Nick say, “…but I’m not sorry for falling in love with you.” -ew, Felicia. He may be charming and he may be able to feed a girl a line, but it’s always coated in such a slimy residue. Kaitlyn doesn’t seem to mind. #hooklineandsinker

15. I’ll give him/them props though – this was REAL cute. They do seem to really be two peas in a pod.

16. Duuuuuude easy on the testosterone. You know Nick’s not my first choice but Shawn didn’t even let the poor guy get a word in edgewise. The only time Nick could’ve possibly interjected was when Sham-Wow paused to purse his DSLs for dramatic effect.

17. Omgomgongomgomg – this is amazing. #canthardlywait

18. Somber side note: this one’s tough to swallow. I saw this movie in the theater with my Mom when I was a kiddo and loved her (didn’t we all??) and her white suede jacket. RIP Cindy Mancini.

xoxo,