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Bachelor Recap: Olivia is Going to Swallow Everyone.

Hey Girls & Boys!  Sorry for the delay.  My golden retriever aka the coolest dog in the world had minor surgery yesterday – which he came out of a little stitched up but just fine… I, on the other hand, seriously needed to be medicated.  How do people with kids even watch them get shots??  PS did y’all know Gus has his own insta??  #gusgusforpresident


Onto Monday night’s train wreck…

1.  I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again: Dude close your mouth. And somebody check that girl’s molars – cuz I guarantee there are 17 mosquitoes and 75 lightning bugs trapped back there.

olivia and cameron diaz

Also, makeup is a miraculous thing.  I almost didn’t recognize her.

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2. “Ben is the GREATEST bachelor on the PLANET of HISTORY…” Um, say what now?  Did they not offer English 101 at Caesar’s Palace University?  But yo.  I don’t disagree with her.  AND (gulp), I can’t remember which one but I remember thinking last night that one of the twins was actually really sweet.

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3.  Chris Harrison dressed as the nerdy principal??  HAAAAAAAAAAA.  I cackled.  REAL loud.

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4.  “I will not murder Lace but she may very tactfully disappear” = BAHAHHAHAHA. My $’s on GI Jubilee.  And she takes the cake so far for the ballsy one-liners and calling everything like she sees it.

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5.  Didn’t these girls get a geography lesson when Tom Hanks pulled down the map for Jonah in Sleepless in Seattle? Oh wait. That movie came out before these chicks were born.  But seriously.  Weren’t they just in social studies class like 10 minutes ago??  Get it together kids.

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6.  When Chris said, “let’s settle it on the track,” I literally almost hopped off my barstool and suited up right there.

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This was me when I was their age.  Step aside, floozies.

Burris vball

7.  Is Heather Graham part Kenyan??  Good LAWWWWD.  And why is Amber jogging?

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8.  This poor girl is her own worst enemy.  I’ve never witnessed anyone dig their own grave as fast as Lace did this week.. She’d have better luck if she just sat back, batted her eyes and never (EVER) opened her mouth.  I don’t know if I’ve ever felt embarrassed for a villain on this show before, but I legit feel bad for the girl.  She can’t even help herself.

digging grave

9.  I don’t see her making it much further, but at least she has a promising future as a Neutrogena model.  Dang girl.

neutrogena model

10. So listen.  I’m not crazy about this whole situation called Becca being back this season, but I DO have major hair envy.  And I also give her props for the move of pulling him aside to shoot hoops barefoot.  Well played.

becca tilley

11.  Ben + Jo Jo 4-eva. Love it and love her.  I’m putting BIG MONEY on her.

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PS were Jo Jo & Isla Fisher actually separated at birth?

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12. Hands-down the best part of the show:  (Question: What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?)… Kevin Hart: “I cook some fried chicken one time in the crock pot. And thas coo.”

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13.  She’s sweet as pie but I can’t take her seriously as a contender for Ben.  Like, I wanna invite her to my slumber parties and have her braid my hair and give her a pair of Hello Kitty pajamas for Christmas and maybe a Best Friends necklace, but for some reason I can’t see them together.

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15. I’d rather sh*t twice and die than have anyone smell me right after I get off the treadmill.. the end.

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They didn’t need to announce who had the lowest score.  That was unnecessarily cruel and salt in the wound after the “sour” comment.

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16.  Girlfriend’s profession is “twin”? Are we serious about life right now??


17.  Are Lace and Lucifer in LL BEAN related?  No for real.

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18.  How SWEET was he to Squeaky??  Who btw is totally growing on me – she’s a good girl.

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But for real… he is SUPER sweet and so endearing.  I’m *legitimately* convinced he’s in love with each of them whenever he’s talking to them because he makes each of them feel like the most important person in the world and the only person who’s there.  Which means they’re all in trouble.  I have no idea how he remembers all their names, let alone remembers things about them and asks questions and conveys genuine interest in each of them.  Best Bachelor, Ever.

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19.  Dear LB: I’ll take your spot.  Cuz girl you so crazy.

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20.  Lauren is super sweet.  They let some looney tunes on this year – e.g. the Chicken Lady, the Donkey Lady, LACE, etc – which I guess they have to for ratings’ sake, but there are some good eggs here too.  Did you hear what she said?? “Even if I had to go home tonight I’d be bummed, but at least I know I learned a lot about myself and made some really good friends.”  I love her.

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21.  Dear Amber: You’re 30 and this is your 4th Bachelor series run.  You’re the Blanche Devereux of this season and the Chris Bukowski (ew) of Bachelor world.  So I love you, but stop complaining like a little Sally and go talk to him.  All the kids are doin’ it – no reason why you can’t.


22.  I mean… it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.

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23.  Ew.


(Cue the Cyndi Lauper): “I see your truuuuuuuuuuuue cahhhlllahhhrrrs shiiiiining through!” #eldiablo

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All I got!  Have a great rest of the week!


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Bach Week 9: The Women Tell All

1.  Honestly, Crouching Mom / Hidden Cougar could’ve been any one of our moms after about a half a glass of Pinot Grigio.  There were envious 50-something-year-old loins aflame everywhere last night…  Love it.


2.  Omg, the last party they crashed.  BAHAHHAHHA.


3.  Ashley’s faces were ON POINT last night.  I can’t believe these words are about to fall out of my mouth, but now I think I might have a soft spot for my old buddy Tarantulashes.

Also, this blog post will self-destruct in 5 seconds…



4.  I heard Britt has spent the past few months recovering from “heartbreak” back home in Michigan… So now, listen: As a corn-fed girl, I know better than anyone a) what happens in the Midwest and b) what happens in the Midwest in the winter time… as is evidenced by the fact that my pants split over Christmas.

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And that is why I can say without hesitation that the Midwest meat & taters phenomenon skipped Britt’s hips and landed right in her cheeks.  Did I just say that out loud??  I did.  Oosie.  But she looked WAY noticeably different last night.  And obviously by different, I mean bloated.

britt's face

5.  Haaaaaaa – Who was it that said, re: Ashley I – “…yeah but her mouth is not a virgin.” #onpoint #largemouthbass

6.  I thought THIS shenanigan would never end.  No one won in the battle of Britt vs. Carly.  We all just lost hours of our lives.

britt v carly

7.  When Jillian bowed up and went to town on (everybody) who was ganging up on Britt, I kept waiting for her veins to burst and her muscles to explode and her dress to fall into shreds on the ground, like the Incredible Hulk.  Then, I realized that I think she wants to set up camp in Britt’s drawers.

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8.  Oh hey Cricket from Hart of Dixie!  I love that show and I can’t help it.  Judge away.


9.  Can somebody get Britt a ponytail holder? Cuz if she touches her weave one more time it’s gonna fall out.  While we’re at it, she could use 7 boxes of tissues and a mani.


10.  This is the second to last thing I’m going to say about her: Honey.  If you & Chris were MFEO, one moment in time because of something one other girl said couldn’t possibly have ruined it.  Pretty sure you left the show because Chris said: “That’s not how I want my wife to act.”  Not because you & Carly had a spat on the playground at recess.

11.  Somebody get this poor chile some under eye concealer.  Or a nap.

dark circles

12.  Kelsey saying “I know this is a love story about Chris, but this is my love story too” reminds me of the time she wrote her husband’s entire obituary, and 75% of it was about her and her accomplishments.  She frightens me beyond belief.

13.  What’s *really* amazing is how many times I think she rehearsed that Amazing speech.  The jig is up sister!  Yer scary and America knows it.


14.  Behold: My hero.

ashley s

I think she officially might be the most hilarious person – maybe the smartest – and by far the best at mocking the show – ever to be on.  I was in effing stitches, definitely let out a little pee, and fell over laughing 17x during her 4 minute segment.  Best lines included:

There was only one cat, and it didn’t reply.” // “It’s so weird… just that we’re all on TV.” // “I was really bored.”

Ashley on Bachelor in Paradise will be the best gift I’ve ever gotten.

15.  Also, her skin is FLAW-LESS.  Crazy becomes her.

ashley s skin

16. Did Jade got her painted-on-red-dress from Stiffler’s Mom’s closet??


17.  Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt: she *almost* had me feeling sorry for her for being misunderstood.  But if any of us had any doubt that she is artfully skilled at talking out of both sides of her mouth, how about the time she LITERALLY said to Chris: “I respect you and I don’t blame you for believing Carly!” and 10 seconds later said, “I knew you weren’t that small-minded and would never take someone else’s word like that.”  Gowl, do you even hear yourself?

both sides of her mouth

18.  Why is he in a clammy sweat?  Yikes.  Somebody get this poor guy a towel and a Xanax.  And for the love of God, a media coach.

cold sweat

19.  Dear Chris: if I’m the girl you chose, or even one of the final two, the absolute last thing I wanna hear you say is that your choice to keep me was like throwing darts in the dark.  Huh??


20.  Can we all discuss how stunning Kaitlyn looks, and how poised, articulate and hilarious she is?!  She’s come a long way for me. #bachelorette2015


21.  Did Jade seriously suggest that if Chris was uncomfortable he should’ve said: “Let’s save these (naked photos of your labia flapping in the wind) for something special”?  Like, fer WHAT?  For the highlight reel at your wedding?


22.  Loved Ashley / Tarantulashes’ dress.

23.  Did you see who he ran to bear hug first after the show closed??  Carly.  Shows to go ya, Bambi.

What did I miss??  Who’s pumped for the 3 hour finale?  And if you live in San Diego, duh – come over.  Biggest Bachelor Rager of the Year!


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