1. Honestly, Crouching Mom / Hidden Cougar could’ve been any one of our moms after about a half a glass of Pinot Grigio. There were envious 50-something-year-old loins aflame everywhere last night… Love it.
2. Omg, the last party they crashed. BAHAHHAHHA.
3. Ashley’s faces were ON POINT last night. I can’t believe these words are about to fall out of my mouth, but now I think I might have a soft spot for my old buddy Tarantulashes.
Also, this blog post will self-destruct in 5 seconds…
4. I heard Britt has spent the past few months recovering from “heartbreak” back home in Michigan… So now, listen: As a corn-fed girl, I know better than anyone a) what happens in the Midwest and b) what happens in the Midwest in the winter time… as is evidenced by the fact that my pants split over Christmas.
And that is why I can say without hesitation that the Midwest meat & taters phenomenon skipped Britt’s hips and landed right in her cheeks. Did I just say that out loud?? I did. Oosie. But she looked WAY noticeably different last night. And obviously by different, I mean bloated.
5. Haaaaaaa – Who was it that said, re: Ashley I – “…yeah but her mouth is not a virgin.” #onpoint #largemouthbass
6. I thought THIS shenanigan would never end. No one won in the battle of Britt vs. Carly. We all just lost hours of our lives.
7. When Jillian bowed up and went to town on (everybody) who was ganging up on Britt, I kept waiting for her veins to burst and her muscles to explode and her dress to fall into shreds on the ground, like the Incredible Hulk. Then, I realized that I think she wants to set up camp in Britt’s drawers.
8. Oh hey Cricket from Hart of Dixie! I love that show and I can’t help it. Judge away.
9. Can somebody get Britt a ponytail holder? Cuz if she touches her weave one more time it’s gonna fall out. While we’re at it, she could use 7 boxes of tissues and a mani.
10. This is the second to last thing I’m going to say about her: Honey. If you & Chris were MFEO, one moment in time because of something one other girl said couldn’t possibly have ruined it. Pretty sure you left the show because Chris said: “That’s not how I want my wife to act.” Not because you & Carly had a spat on the playground at recess.
11. Somebody get this poor chile some under eye concealer. Or a nap.
12. Kelsey saying “I know this is a love story about Chris, but this is my love story too” reminds me of the time she wrote her husband’s entire obituary, and 75% of it was about her and her accomplishments. She frightens me beyond belief.
13. What’s *really* amazing is how many times I think she rehearsed that Amazing speech. The jig is up sister! Yer scary and America knows it.
14. Behold: My hero.
I think she officially might be the most hilarious person – maybe the smartest – and by far the best at mocking the show – ever to be on. I was in effing stitches, definitely let out a little pee, and fell over laughing 17x during her 4 minute segment. Best lines included:
“There was only one cat, and it didn’t reply.” // “It’s so weird… just that we’re all on TV.” // “I was really bored.”
Ashley on Bachelor in Paradise will be the best gift I’ve ever gotten.
15. Also, her skin is FLAW-LESS. Crazy becomes her.
16. Did Jade got her painted-on-red-dress from Stiffler’s Mom’s closet??
17. Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt: she *almost* had me feeling sorry for her for being misunderstood. But if any of us had any doubt that she is artfully skilled at talking out of both sides of her mouth, how about the time she LITERALLY said to Chris: “I respect you and I don’t blame you for believing Carly!” and 10 seconds later said, “I knew you weren’t that small-minded and would never take someone else’s word like that.” Gowl, do you even hear yourself?
18. Why is he in a clammy sweat? Yikes. Somebody get this poor guy a towel and a Xanax. And for the love of God, a media coach.
19. Dear Chris: if I’m the girl you chose, or even one of the final two, the absolute last thing I wanna hear you say is that your choice to keep me was like throwing darts in the dark. Huh??
20. Can we all discuss how stunning Kaitlyn looks, and how poised, articulate and hilarious she is?! She’s come a long way for me. #bachelorette2015
21. Did Jade seriously suggest that if Chris was uncomfortable he should’ve said: “Let’s save these (naked photos of your labia flapping in the wind) for something special”? Like, fer WHAT? For the highlight reel at your wedding?
22. Loved Ashley / Tarantulashes’ dress.
23. Did you see who he ran to bear hug first after the show closed?? Carly. Shows to go ya, Bambi.
What did I miss?? Who’s pumped for the 3 hour finale? And if you live in San Diego, duh – come over. Biggest Bachelor Rager of the Year!