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Bachelor Week 8: Swass in Bali

Meh…  I thought last night’s episode was kind of uneventful – was it just me?  Maybe it’s because the 3 girls that are left are sweet and normal, so I’m runnin’ low on crazies to rap about.  In any case, here’s what I got.  Ya’ll weigh in and lemme know what I missed.

1.  LAWD – the SWASS!  I mean, look at these two.  They’re melting.  It must’ve been 185 degrees in Bali.

Swass in Bali | Covet Living

Thank GOD I didn’t go on this season, because this is what my hair would’ve looked like.

buckwheat 357

Slash how is Becca’s staying so artfully disheveled?


2.  I really like Kaitlyn, and I REALLY loved her dress, and this was the best shot I could get of it.  The worst thing I have to say about her is that I wish she would take out her nose ring.  Otherwise I find her adorable and fun and endearing.

Kaitlyn's Dress | Covet Living

3.  This is a bit much.


4.  Am I the only one who thinks it’s weird when anyone over the age of 4 does this? …or, try watching your boyfriend’s mom do it.


Case in point: me at 4.

daddy | via covet living

5.  Apparently Whitney’s got a tickle in her shorts this week… she was really gettin’ after it.


6.  Best she’s looked all season.  Gorgeous sans makeup, and sans Aqua Net.


7.  I got superlatives all day long for this girl…  BEST ANSWER IN BACHELOR HISTORY:  “I firmly believe that life takes you places, and it’s not where you are, it’s who you’re with.” Amen sistah.  Life’s too short to hem and haw and not take a leap for someone you love.  #priorities #whitneyforpresident


8.  Done and done.  Look at ’em lookin’ at each other.



9.  The most interesting thing to me about Becca + Chris’ date was Becca’s pretty hair.  I thought she looked stunning this week.  Bali becomes her.


Otherwise I was bored to damn TEARS.  She’s sweet, he’s sweet, we get it, but LAWD. It’s like two slices of Melba toast sandwiched together with air in the middle.  I think he definitely needs someone spontaneous & spunky like Kaitlyn to draw him out a little… or self-assured and fun like Whitney.  Am I allowed to call Becca a dud?

…oosie.  Guess I just did.  Also, have you noticed that she clenches her teeth and barely moves her lips when she talks?  It’s a wonder that girl can enunciate at all.


10.  20-second timeout: Can we talk about my boy Chris Harrison?  Can they please do a tweener season where he’s the Bachelor?  He’s flipping hilarious.  And getting more good looking with age.

chris harrison

11.  Prince Ahh-LEEEE, fabulous he, ali-ah-BAHHH-BWAAAAAAAHHHHH.  I’m sure that’s culturally incorrect and I just offended eastern cultures everywhere, but that’s the song I sing when I see pretty outfits like this.

prince ali

And it’s the song I sang all day while I was draped in saris and bindies at Vani’s Indian wedding.

Vani's Wedding

What a good sport she is.

me and vani

12.  PS I liked Whitney’s hair better right after she got out of the water.


Anybody got a guess what her favorite movie is?  …what up, Truvy!


13.  FINALLY – an outfit that accentuates Chris’ power gut… something I’ve been perplexed about all season.  It’s like a little silo away from home in his buddha.  Is he stowing corn from the farm in there?  Soybeans?  Did one of those chicks who threw herself at him knock him up?  Is it just a ball of muscle mixed with beer?  I don’t get it.  Kudos to my girl Hannah Cheese & her gal pal for coining the term (Go Owls!)

power gut

14.  I don’t know what the whole pulling-Becca-aside-shenanigan was, or why he kept her over Kaitlyn, but diff’rent strokes.  The only good thing I have to say about Kaitlyn leaving is that I’m crossing my fingers she’s the next Bachelorette… cuz if ABC / Next Entertainment even THINKS about putting Britt on, I’m going to choke to death on my own vomit and boycott the show.  In other news… I was so confused how Kaitlyn managed to cry dry tears until she got into the limo.  And if Chris told her one more time how “excruciating” the decision to let her go was, I was going to throw a Thesaurus at the TV.

kaitlyn exit

15.  No joke.  This is how my man Gus watches the show.  Move it or lose it, camper! The best line of the night came from a buddy who popped over to watch: “Gus, you’re never going to be president if you keep eating paper towels like that.”  HDHSKAHDKHjhdsjkahdjkahjdha.  #gusgusforpresident

gus for president

What did I miss?  And is Becca rounding 3rd and gonna edge Whitney out in a close overtime thriller at the end?  I thought Whit was a lock but maybe I missed some mystical, cosmic, Melba Toast 4-Eva thing between Chris & Becca.

In other news, I cannot WAIT to be reunited with my favorite Frenemies next week, including but not limited to Tarantulashes, Lucifer in LL Bean and Inflatable Lady Bits. And again… I can rap in good fun about these floozies, because obviously, I’m perfect:

steph in the morning


Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelor Week 7: Whitney for President

Kids, my apologies in advance… somehow, last night’s episode got deleted from my DVR (*COUGH* – KYLE), so I have no dice on the hilarious screen grabs that usually accompany these posts.  We’ll have to kick it old school / in black & white this week… though I did steal a few from ABC and from my sister-floozies who also blog about the Bach…

1.  I ADORE Whitney.  She is a class act, and I love how obvious it is that he’s in love with the person she is on the inside.  Remember when she told him her tragic story, but in an “FYI, this is what happened and I’m just preparing you for next week and don’t feel sorry for me because I’m still so blessed and it made me the person I am” way?  GYAH.  She’s got this season in the BAG.  The end.  #whitneyforpresident

Whitney Bischoff

2.  I do love her, and she’s not sporting as much cakeup as say – my homegirl Tarantulashes – but I’m still kind of itching to see her au naturel / without a Tammy Faye Baker tease or bouffant in the front.  I’m pretty sure she’s just as gorge without makeup.  Also… is she unofficially sponsoring Lululemon?

3.  Britt is DEFINITELY stunning and definitely looks like a cross between Angelina Jolie + Vanessa Williams…  but have you also noticed that she kind of has the face of a cute little 4-year boy?  Or, a chipmunk.


4.  I effing LOVE CHRIS for giving her the boot… when she kept trying to interrupt him in that epic 4th grade battle of who-can-break-up-with-whom-first and he just said, “that’s not how I want my wife to act,” my living room ERUPTED.  See ya sistah.  Also…  the wailing / crying tantrum outside, like someone had just taken away her Tonka Twucks??  Fer f*#&’s sake, get it together.

Britt via ABC

5.  Jade’s dad was so sweet.  I’m also pretty sure he had to have knocked up Jade’s mom when they were 14, because he might be 13.2 years older than his daughter.

6.  Jade’s brother = what Jade looked like during her awkward stage.

7.  I love that after she delighted in showing him her lady bits on the internet, she wore a full length, long sleeve dress to the rose ceremony.  GURL – the jig is up.  We’ve all seen your labia flapping in the wind.  That’s a doodle that can’t be undid… thanks, Jason Biggs.

Jade showing Chris Playboy, via ABC

8.  Becca is so sweet… but God bless her, so young.  I almost called her one dimensional, but that’s not entirely fair.  I think she’s just young.  I also thought her hometown date was like that scene from the Thomas Crown Affair when there are 100 dudes walking around in the same outfit with the same hat, à la Magritte’s Son of Man painting… or when you go to pick out a puppy from a litter and all 12 of them look the same… all the chicks had the same hairdo!  I couldn’t even pick her out of a lineup.


9.  Also, I’d drop kick my sister if she’d lobbed me under the bus like that.

Becca's Sis

10.  Kaitlyn’s Mom might ACTUALLY have been the love guru from the Yoga porn episode… or, Janet from Three’s Company.  Her fam and that whole kumbahya scene was sweet.  She’s hysterical and I’ll be sad to see her go.

11.  Speaking of family, I thought what Whitney’s sister said to Chris (“Call me when you’re actually ready to propose and we’ll talk then“) was totally fair.

12.  Raise your hand if – when Chris was about to have to go spew his swimmers into that cup – everyone wasn’t wondering if he was gonna flip a Playboy open and see Jade.

13.  I was also sad to see Carly go, even though she was totally in the friend zone with Chris… her calling Britt out was so on point, every time.  Also.  I’m pretty sure I almost saw her little Jade in that blue mini-dress with the lapels.


14.  I almost started crying when Chris started crying.  Bless his heart, I love him.

Chris Soules Crying

15.  Also – did you guys see this tweet by Sean Lowe??  (…that’s Whitney’s apartment) – effing hilarious.

Sean Lowe Tweet

I’m off my game without the DVR!  What did I forget??

xoxo & Happy Tuesday, floozies!

Steph's Scanned Signature