House Beautiful

Oscar Fashion Round-Up

So listen… who am I to talk? I was wearing sweatpants and washing down Samoas with Chardonnay last night. With Gus in my lap. Ah, who cares – let’s dish!

BEST DRESSED #1:  HANDS-DOWN HOTTEST

My favorite girl takes the cake!  I mean, DAMN.  Look at ‘er go.  Smokin’ hot.  On top of which, we should all take a lesson from Kate: a girl’s best accessory is confidence.

BEST DRESSED #2:  PRETTIEST IN PINK

I mean, good LORD.  I doubt she’s anyone else’s best dressed, but I gasped when I saw her.  I’m just confused about the Dyeables clutch, which I can only assume she got at that one store in the Muncie Mall…  the one where I had my satin shoes dyed to match my seafoam green dress for Prom.

LET’S TALK ABOUT ELLEN.

I’m pretty sure she borrowed her opening get-up from Abraham Lincoln’s closet, and I felt like things were a little shaky at first… But then, she called Liza Minelli a man, poked fun at Jennifer Lawrence for tripping, ordered pizza and dressed up as Glenda the Good Witch.  And I lived happily ever after.

In other news…  Liza Minelli did an awful lot of twitching, jerking, and duck-facing last night.  She’s – uh – an interesting bird.

PERFECTION FROM THE NECK UP.

But from the neck down, it reminded me of Death Becomes Her.

HO-LY TESTICLE TUESDAY!

Somebody pass me a towel.  I can’t handle it.  Obviously his wife couldn’t either.. which is how she ended up 148 months pregnant.

ALSO…  LLLLISTEN.

Who am I to knock a pregnant lady?  But seriously.  This frightened me.  I want to get a giant bump bra to holster that thing.  And I love a little classy side-boob now and then, but if her bump sinks any lower, her whole right boobie is going to fall out.

STUNNING.

Also, the va-va-voom hair was off the charts.

AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN’T LOVE HER MORE…

SOMETHING’S JUST NOT QUITE RIGHT.

Like her.  Love the dress.  Jury’s out on the necklace.  Lips are too severe.  Don’t love the hair.  It’s just all 1+ 1 + 1 + 1 = 2 for me… aka doesn’t add up.

PRETTIEST PREGNANT LADY OF ALL TIME.

Olivia Wilde was a close second, but Olivia Pope pushed her off the pedestal.  Also: best hair I’ve ever seen from the back.  Ever.

I DIG ALL THE LONG-SLEEVED DOILY & SEQUIN ARMOR.

But seriously.  Did all of their stylists not compare notes beforehand?  I feel like every other girl had this get-up on.  Molly Sims did it best in my book.

BEST EARRINGS OF ALL TIME.

And I’m going to get crucified for saying this and I adore her, but the best thing I have to say about this dress is that it has some strategically placed sequins.  Otherwise it felt like Kerry Washington’s Marchesa from the 2013 Emmy’s, but with a Showgirls twist.

SIDENOTE: MY DREAM COME TRUE = A JOAN RIVERS RETURN TO THE RED CARPET

Remember the time she said to Sela Ward, who was wearing this number: “I understand you’re representing K-Mart.”  bwahahjfk;dhkjafhjkdhfhaha.  I cackled for DAYS.

LOVELY LADY IN NAVY.

I think I was expecting her to go not-so-safe, but she does look flawless.

MOST ENVIABLE BEACH WAVES.

And least enviable bow tie.

ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!

White-tux-done-right.  And I usually give Mr. McConaughey a big fat eye roll for being so full of himself, but this time I gotta hand it to him: that Oscar was well-deserved, times 10.  Speech was also sweet.

DOES SHE EVER GET IT WRONG?

The answer is no.

DOES SHE EVER EAT PIZZA?

Again.  The answer is no.  But she might be foaming at the mouth there.

BOYCOTT BOTOX.

Her face was stretched so tight, I was afraid it was going to pop.  Dress was fab though.

MEH.

I’m indifferent.  She looked fine.  I think I’m just over it – probably forever – after last awards season.

THE HAIR = TOO AUSTERE.

You could take that ‘do for a spin on the back of a crotch rocket going 400 mph and it still wouldn’t budge.  Otherwise, I adore her and like the dress/earrings combo.

JASON SUDEKIS IS GETTING BETTER LOOKING BY OSMOSIS, JUST FOR BEING HER BABY DADDY.

CC BLOOM’S IN BLOOM!

SO stunning in the Reem Acra.  And Wind Beneath My Wings??  She killed me.  KILLED ME.

DOILY MEETS DELIA SHADES.

And I loved it.  Portia also makes me want to start doing yoga and start eating bean sprouts.

A BIT BRIDAL, BUT BEAUTIFUL.

I never knew they made tulle in that color.  I’d like to chop that skirt to knee-length and pair it with a grey wife beater and cute stilettos.

DARLING.

She’s also totally channeling Lauren Hutton ca 1975 Oscars.  But the accessories felt a little too sweet…  like, too Cleopatra-meets-Tinkerbell.  Otherwise, she is precious, and her acceptance speech was so gracious.

LAST BUT NOT LEAST:  HAS EVERYBODY MET MY NEW BOYFRIEND?

#drivingthebustohell

Who were your best & worst dressed??

xoxo,

13 Responses to “Oscar Fashion Round-Up”


  • So glad there was a seafoam prom dress reference. And I nearly peed myself at the end. Thank you for the Monday laugh. I’ll prolly read it again on Tuesday and Wednesday.

  • As usual, you had me cracking up!! Adore your critiques more than fried chicken on Sunday! Pink killed me with dress & Over the Rainbow, and when MM quoted his 1st movie and my favorite 70’s movie EVER, I was spent. And I am totally loving the white coats and skinny pants the guys are sporting~tres Mad Men! All the way happy with last night’s event. :)

  • ps: You are SO driving the bus!! 😀

  • I am. That or Karrie’s driving it, and I’m sitting shotgun :) And I loved all the white jackets too! Ryan Seacrest did it proud as well. I also forgot Kristen Bell – she looked darling.

  • I was so excited to wake up this morning and read your ‘Oscars round up’. Yep, Kate Hudson frikken OWNED that dress. Perfection from top to bottom.

    Liza wearing satin PJ’s and jazz shoes? Clearly she dressed herself.

    Chris Hemsworth’s wife shouldn’t be allowed in public. Surely she should be in a hospital ward somewhere!

    I thought the gowns this year were …..m’eh! A bit blah.

  • OK, I know I’m old but I don’t like the dresses where the neckline plunges down to the navel. There’s nothing pretty about the flat space between a woman’s breasts. Push those babies up and fill in that space. I’m with you on the pregnant lady’s green dress, looks awful. I don’t want to see other ladies boobies. I have my own. Thank you!

  • I have to agree with Pam, Pink nailed it…loved her singing and dress! A refreshing change to what she usually performs. Lovely voice! The pizza delivery was rather entertaining also. Ellen does crack me up! I fell asleep and missed Bette sing, but I would have loved it too! I loved loved Sandra Bullock;s look…always classic, always beautiful…is that really playing it safe? Ummm…I dunno. Yes, I concede, Kate was gorgeous and she oozes confidence which is so sexy! (If you’re a dude) 😛

  • Love your Oscar re-cap. I thought this year’s show was the most entertaining since Jack Palance did one-armed pushups. Elsa Pataky’s booby/belly profile was not as frightening as Goldie and Kim Novak vying for Best Joker Impression. Fillers Gone Wild! And when you simply can’t pronounce the name of the person your introducing? Create one that sounds like a spell to lure the genie in the bottle. Way to go, John Travolta! All in all,an evening of glamour I always enjoy.

  • THE RED BOWTIE FOR JARED LETO IS MONSIEUR JEAN YVES PARIS.

  • You know you are Kate’s twin ,
    right? You look just like her!

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