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Bachelorette Recap: Week 4

Before we start dishing about last night’s epic train wreck, this is the Chicken Chili Verde I dished out to the flooze pops who came over last night.  It’s from Heather Christo and it’s **SO** good (and so good for you).  Only changes I make to her recipe are:

a) Sub rotisserie chicken for pulled pork (Easy button!),

b) Make the chicken broth out of Better Than Boullion (1 tsp boullion per 1 cup of water), and

c) Double the quantities of cilantro and jalapeño for the salsa verde.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 9.11.30 AM chicken chili verde

Also: Make sure you put your friends to work when they come over.  (Thanks Hope!!)


One more thing… single tear & big thanks to Ali Fedotowsky for the props!  PS y’all should follow her on Insta / sign up for liketoknowit so you can copy off of all her insanely adorable fashion finds.



1.  Somebody get this slick little narcissist some of those Neutrogena oil blotting pads.  Or just a sweat towel.  Or maybe just a new attitude.


2.  “Clint and I are best best best friends and we’re very very very very very close.”  Could somebody help Baby Oscar weave some shiny new superlatives into his vocab so he doesn’t feel like he has to repeat the same word 95x to get his point across? ALSO.  Hearing her say, “I’m done.  I don’t trust you.” makes me love her even more than I did last week.  Gotta respect a girl who goes with her gut and knows her own mind.  Boom.


3.  20 Second Timeout: Tanner has a promising future as the next Bob Costas.  This guy is a solid commentator.


4.  Friendship bromance is so fickle (!)  I feel like they’re either about to make out, or someone’s about to commit a crime of passion.


5.  Best line of the night:  “Hey – that tie goes really good with your shirt. (BEEEEEEEEEEP).” -Clint.  I hate to encourage toddler-tantrum-esque behavior but I literally spat out my chicken chili cackling.  Sometimes kids man babies say the darndest things!




7.  There is no camera shutter fast enough to capture JJ b*tch slapping himself in the face, but you all know what I’m talking about.  We had to rewind it 3x to make sure we all saw what we thought we saw.  #suckitup!

8.  I like the guy but let’s be real.  By 30 do they actually mean 49?


9.  I missed a doppelgänger…  Justin from Naperville is actually the dude from Boardwalk Empire.  Also – omg I JUST saw that t-shirt this weekend.  On a 4-year old. Who got it at Gymboree.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 8.23.15 AM

10.  Ben in a DILF sweater is a perfect example of two amazing things becoming greater than the sum of their parts when combined.  In other news: this is Kid n Play’s “surprised” face.  And this is JJ’s, “Ew – what’s rap music?  I only listen to classical music while I dye my teeth purple” face.


Also – this is the EXACT face I make every time he comes on screen.  OMG, we’re MFEO.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 9.25.22 AM

11.  Justin: now representing painted-on pants for men.  Also, I’m guessing he lost about half his sperm count when he wedged himself into those bad boys this morning.  With a shoe horn.


12.  “I’ve listened to Broadway showtunes my whole life”  ………..So there’s that.  Most smug + most overconfident + confused contestant in history.

13.  Chews on Rocks + Tarantulashes in the same shot = my mind just got blown.


PS: I gotta give my girl props – she looks GREAT.  Is it the side part?  Is it that she’s not wearing a crown?  Can’t put my finger on it, but demure becomes her.


14.  She’s hilarious.  “I don’t think there’s ever been a rap battle with 2 guys in khaki pants.”  ….aBbahahahahahahhahahahahahahhahahsha
15.  HOLY TESTICLE TUESDAY.  I’m sorry but: a) WHY IS HE HERE?  Did Salesforce let him go?  Can the Bachelor(ette) let him go – like, permanently?  The only place this guy belongs is Bachelor Pad.  And that’s a maybe.


b) Why is he trying to eat his sippy cup?


c) I love her but I’m confused about how she’s THIS excited to see Nick.  AKA Count Dracula.


d) When she said Nick complimented her for the way that she carried herself during Farmer Chris’ season, I had to scratch my head and wonder if she saw the way he carried HIMSELF on Andi’s?  Otherwise known as: like a JACK A$$.  Did Kaitlyn take a nap during the ultimate display of slime when Nick outed Andi for boinking him in the fantasy suite on national TV?


e) Why isn’t Nick coming back for Andi?  You know – the girl he was gonna propose to a year ago who just broke off her engagement?  Just a question.  Probably cuz he knows it’d fall on deaf ears… judging from the fact that she tweeted Kaitlyn last night and told her to RUN.  FAST.  Sing it sister!

andi kaitlyn nick

f)  I have a dream…. and it’s called Nick, JJ, Chris Bukowski and Juan Pablo being put in Bachelor timeout FOREVER.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 8.34.10 AM

16.  One year later, and the kid still always looks like he just got out of bed – complete with bed head, sweats and lookin’ like he just ate a bowl of rocky pebbles. And, this is a legit question:  Do we think that’s a cowlick, or do we think when he blow dries his hair in the morning, he aims the dryer at the side of his head from point-blank range?  It’s like what happens when a helicopter lands in a field and blows down the tall grass all around it.


17.  Oh, sweet Ben H.  You’re like a breath of fresh air.  A sight for sore eyes.  A vision in plaid.  An oasis in the middle of the Mohave desert.  Please tell me a bedtime story in cartoons about reproduction.  Or we can just play show & tell.


18.  Next time I need sage relationship advice, I’m calling Courtney Thorne Smith:  “You’re going to have parts of your life where you’re not in sync and you have to fall back on other parts.  Like friendship.”  Best thing she’s ever said.  This woman is a Bachelor franchise treasure.

Screen Shot 2015-06-09 at 8.21.22 AM

19.  Denny’s cleans up good!


…except he forgot to shave.  I feel like he should just sh*t or get off the pot with that thing.  It’s like going to work with only one leg in a pair of pants.  Just shave it all or slap some Propecia or Miracle Gro on the parts that are barren.  That said…  he really is a good egg.


…and she luuuuuuvs him.


And to be fair, I have Mufasa/Nick Nolte hair when I wake up in the morning. Remember?

nick nolte

20.  I have no words.


21.  I don’t know what was more endearing…  Bart Simpson saying that singing and dancing are pretty much the two things he’s worst at…


…watching Bart Simpson try to dance, or watching Bart Simpson improv the words to A Whole New World.


Bart for President.  The End.


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Bachelorette: Week 3 Recap

1.  If I’m that bike, I’m having a REAL bad day today.

sumo on bike

Also… this was on the menu last night at my house.  So I’m not far behind.

pigs in blnakets

2.  Holy sweet baby Jesus.  The best part of waking up every day would be rolling over and seeing THAT.  jfkdl;sajfkdjslkfjdksljfkljklfdsa

ben in am

3.  “I really love Japanese culture… I love sushi, I love….” (aaaand yep, that’s all he’s got folks).  Dude, get this guy outta here.

jj sushi

4.  Look at this little sugarplum!  Gettin’ in love wherever he can.

shawn b

5.  Haaaaaaa I love her.  And I wouldah done the same thing.

love her

6.  Poor Bart.  Bless his heart left nut.

bart's left nut

7.  Watching JJ get tossed out of the ring feels like opening presents Christmas morning.  Or swimming with mermaids.  Or dunking a heavily buttered baguette in my coffee.  Or, how I would feel if Gus had like, 10 puppies.  Utter bliss.

jj getting tossed

8.  Behold, ladies & gentlemen: proof that man babies DO still exist, even at the age of 35.  Acting like a fussy kid in diapers while actually IN a diaper is just the icing on the cake.  FIRST he’s all beating his chest and slicking back his hair, à la, “These dudes don’t know who they’re f*cking with.” And then 2.2 seconds after he gets manhandled like a little girl, he’s traipsing off set like somebody just took away his Tonka Twucks and pouting about how he’s not a fighter and doesn’t do violence?? Bahahaa.  I call the p-word.  And I don’t mean pouty.

tony pre fight

tony diaper

9.  I mean, choosing a favorite Tony line of the night is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.  Where do I begin??

I have the heart of a WARRIOR and the spirit of a gypsy.”

Why can’t we go to the zoo?”

I just wanna go back to my bonsai trees.”  (Hold please… I just dropped the mic.)

I’m not a quitter… I’m walking away on my terms.”  …you’re totally right, you sweet little nut bucket.  It’s not a half dozen, it’s 6.  It’s not a baby deer (eyeroll), it’s a fawn.  When I was born, I weighed 9 pounds and 16 ounces.  Pretty sure “walking away” is synonymous with “quitting.”  Namaste.

tony namaste

10.  TELL ME this wouldn’t be the most amazing couple in Bachelor History. #mfeo

Screen Shot 2015-06-02 at 8.03.52 AM

11.  Cupcake needs to help his boy JJ out with some Crest Whitestrips, cuz dem toofs are about 20x tanner than his chest.


He also needs a sumo-sized dose of Proactiv for his back.  And a good swift kick in the nuts.  AND some humility.  I could go on, but I gotta go to work today at some point.


12.  Kaitlyn (playfully) calling out “If someone HANDED me a snake I would totally take it, but when it’s wrapped around a toilet, that’s a totally different story” = huhlarious, and so true.  Sweet, sweet Ben.  He’s a big, meaty stud with goo on the inside.



13.  Shifting gears: Ben talking about his mom slays me.


14.  Am I the only person in America who doens’t buy the Clint + JJ hoax?  I don’t think they’re in love with each other; I think they’re both just in love with themselves.

clint jj

15.  I actually cannot believe Bart let his buddy Ryan walk out of the house like this. Loan a brotha a dollop of Dep, wouldja?

ryan's hair

16.  These kids are effing hilarious.  Child Oscars for everyone.  Maybe the best stunt in Bachelor history.


17.  I love that they can show Juan Pablo and Claire doin’ the nasty in the ocean, everybody mounting everybody else in the hot tub, but Idaho doing the same tampon torpedo demo that’s on the back of the Tampax box isn’t suitable for television.



18.  Ben H has spoken.  And by “spoken” I mean turned reproduction into a Nora Ephron-esque love story.  Everyone else: take a moment, and say your goodbyes.

ben h for president

19.  I don’t wanna be mean cuz he IS such a sweet guy, but how come when I look at White Fang aka the Manager at Denny’s, I have visions of the time Donnie Wahlberg lost 50-some pounds to play the schizophrenic guy in The Sixth Sense.  Or when Christian Bale didn’t eat for a year to play the crack addict from The Fighter? Just sayin’.  I kinda wanna feed him some Papa John’s and then let him grab a shower and a shave.

white fang

20.  I mean.  I can’t even believe I missed this doppelgänger before.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be in a self-inflicted timeout.

ian cookie monster

What did I miss?  I’m sure tons.  Because last night’s episode was HILARIOUS and brimming with more nonsense than I could possibly recap in one day.


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