House Beautiful

Bachelor Recap: The Rise of Minnie Mouse / The Vegas Meltdown

Camps!… sorry for the no-screen-shots this week.  Casa Covet Living‘s lighting plan and tile selections call.  But a book without pictures will suffice, right?  OPA!

1. Wait. How does Olivia know that Hello Kitty having kids “isn’t what Ben wants“? Oh wait; that’s right. They speak their own (AIRQUOTES) “secret love language.” Stay there one quick sec while I go pull my own trigger and heave.

2. I love Lauren just a little bit more after she spit fudgsicle juice at him thru her night guard / retainer.  The only thing that could’ve made that whole scene better is her doing the dance she made up in 4th grade to a track off of Rhythm Nation in an adult onesie.

3. Mickey Mouse aka Deadbeat Dad is the WORST. Got lotsa love for Minnie Mouse.  If you’d handed me 2 kids at the age of 25 ida lost my marbles… because at 34 when Gus has a headache, I pull an Annellle from Steel Magnolias at the State Fair à la (“OH MAHHH GAHHHHHD MAH CON-TACT LANNNNNNSSS!  NOBODY MOOOOVE!) and call in the National Guard and take sick leave from work.  Gotta give the girl props.

4. Ben should run for President. I mean, Gus would still win (OBVI), but Ben would be a worthy opponent.  He is so charismatic it’s stupid.

5. Becca Becca honey the 4:30am scene is ova – take your hair outta that pink foam hot roller on toppuh your head.

5.5.  It actually does look cute.  Don’t listen to me.

6. Do you think if I throw a piece of popcorn at the TV, Olivia will catch it I her gaping bug-catching mouth?

7. Heather’s bit about the kids menu = cackle worthy.

8. Olivia keeps talking about how amazing Ben is and all I wanna say to her is:”…you know what? You got BE a deal to get a deal.”  Cuz kids.  She ain’t a deal.

9. Best outfit in bachelor history goes to (!!!): Lauren B. in the white twosie tube top and long skirt.  Also.  She might weigh 75 lbs soaking wet by DAYYYUM she’s been doing squats or something because her tiny duh-donk sits up higher than Jubilee’s at a military tension.

10. Omg I love Lauren the Teacher. She’s like the sweet, Midwest G-rated girl I was friends with in 4th grade.  Nice and normal as normal could be.  I bet she would’ve made me a friendship bracelet and braided my hair after gym class while we reenacted scenes from Babysitter’s Club.  I think Ben has a healthy adoration for who she is, and I could see him swapping friendship bracelets with her, but I don’t see rings or parties in her pants in their future.  Am I wrong?

11.  Poor Vegas.  She’s growing on me… ‘spesh without makeup (way betta).  But that whole scene at the end where she had one too many rum & cokes and took one for the team and outed Olivia in an all-out meltdown.  Not her most flattering moment, but hey girl – thanks for layin’ down on the tracks for your peeps.



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