Bachelor Recap: The Bay of Pigs

Good MMMMORNING!  Sorry to have fallen off the map – I’ve been on the other side of the map (Hawaii) with my girl Hope (of Boho Flower Fest fame) for the past 10 days or so and just got back.  Look how lovely!

I’m about a week behind, so this post is rapping about what happened in last week’s episode.  I would’ve just let it fade into the background but um – oh, my GYAH – did you guys SEE IT?  Probably one of the meatiest and most ridiculous episodes in years.

1.  Dude.  Get serious and put your Miss America rapunzel weave in a ponytail when you’re trying to reel in Moby Dick.

2.  This whole scene almost made me go cross-eyed… kinda like Ben was.

Como say what now?  I couldn’t tell if she was:

a) Trying to show her dramatic acting chops (cuz it did feel a whole lot like watching a bad audition tape),

b) Super overcorrecting for being chipper & giggly by trying to SEEM as mysterious and confusing as possible,

c) If this was one big riddle, or

d) If the crew actually edited out every 3rd word she said so that NOTHING coming out of her mouth made one lick of sense.  But:

e) Did you hear the part where she said she thought she might break HIS heart?  I chuckled, until I watched with my head cocked to the side in wonder as the tables turned, and something in him ignited… I believe we call that “The Chase.” If that was intentional, I might tell you she is one of the more strategic chicks on this show… disguised as Tweety Bird.

3. Can somebody pour Leah a glass of water?  Make it half full please.  Fer >~#^%#’s sake.  This chick’s attitude, antics and approach to how to win a guy represents everything that’s wrong with just about everything.

4.  “She’s like a BIRD???”  What does that even mean?  She’s such a meanie.  I would totally not pick her to be on my team for kickball.

5.  That’s a Disney princess / Saturday morning cartoon smooch right there.  I don’t need her to Pac Man his face like a boa constrictor, but her mouth might ACTUALLY be zipped shut.

6.  This is the best thing I’ve ever seen on the Bachelor.  EVER.  Like, dating back to medieval times (Trista & Alex’s season).

7. So listen.  Since I’m about to make a snarky observation about somebody else, imma tell you some funnies about me first – just to keep it real: a) During Girl Scout cookie season, I’m about one Samoa away from my thighs rubbing together. b) When I went through puberty, my left boob grew in ALL THE WAY first before my right one even sprouted.  See?  Everybody’s got their somethin’.  And Olivia’s is muscle atrophy.  But seriously – has she been on bed rest for a year?

Her gams could pass for two of those long, gooey Pillsbury dough breadsticks that you just pulled out of the can before you lay ’em on the cookie sheet.  Somebody teach that girl how to do a walking lunge or a body weight squat or SOMETHIN.

8. That’s a serious tattoo.

9. I love him for asking her to make the most of the day with him.  Like, let’s keep things in perspective there, Pouty Pants.  I felt like her whole string of crying scenes was just what happens to a toddler when it’s hungry or needs to be put down for a nap and starts having fits.  And by all means girl – after you’ve been pouting for (what feels like SO LONG that it took years off my life) about not getting time with him, when you DO finally get time with him, you should *definitely* stare at your nails the entire time and dole out one word answers.  She’s the WORST.

10. There are more tears on her face than there is water in that Bay of Pigs.

11.  Leather is an interesting outfit choice in the hot-as-balls Bahamas.  (Can you saw swass?)  That said, Becca has come out of her shell some and grown on me this season.  I may even invite her over next season for Bach Mondays chez moi since she lives here.  Before I do, can somebody remind me to go delete all my ventriloquist comments from last season??  Thanks.

12. I thought Olivia was the biggest slampig ever, but she’s not.  Leah is.  I literally GASPED when I heard her try to sabotage my girl Lauren B, then I almost reached through the TV and strangled her.  Olivia wears her El Diablo horns loud and proud, but Leah is a rabid werewolf in sheep’s clothing… Slash she may have a promising future on an episode of “Snapped”.  Ps I love that the girls left over are all super sweet and friendly and good.  He really is a spot-on judge of character.

13. Timeout – that’s the cutest hun (half bun)!  I’m on board.

14. Omg they’re scratching arms!  My people (!)

15. This showdown is amazing.  I mean, even if I didn’t know that Olivia was Voldemort, I’d vote for Emily based on that 80’s Vegas showgirl + Pocohontas to that bikini top alone.  That takes balls.

16. Oh, the foreshadowing of this weather.  I wouldn’t be surprised if the Bach Gods aka producers rigged that.

17.  “Deep intellectual things are just my JAM” = is she serious?  I’ve never heard anyone go on about their so-called-bad-ass-self for that long.

18.  Emily gets the award for the best and most raw, endearingly inarticulate but super sweet schpeel, eva.

19. Girl we sees you lata!!  PS Honey if you’re gonna just stand there, make yourself useful and clean up those picnic scraps thaaaaaanks gahhhhhrrrllll

20. My man CHRIS!  Lookin dapper, big fella!  Is it cuz you’re playing in Andi Dorfman’s underpants these days or did I make that up in my head / see it in Star at the grocery store?  Whatever it is, there is some pep in that boy’s step.

21. “Why it’s not happening” for you?  GURL please – you just got boobs last year.  You’re 12.  Give it another 10 years and then you can start complaining.

Here sugar – come sit down by me at one of our Bach viewing parties.  Cuz this is about what they’ll look like in 10 years.  bfdjsahfjkdhsaklfjdkahskjhahahah.

See yaaaaaa!

xoxo,