House Beautiful

Bach Recap: Hometowns

1. First of all, my bad for slacking on Bach posts the last few weeks.  A) I have legit been SEH. BIZAY. (ps don’t you hate it when people complain about being busy? …eyeroll), but also, B) Honestly, if you read the ‘ol CL we LOVE ya for it (!) but if you read it and never comment or let out a peep, it’s like a fart in the wind.  So sometimes we never realize you’ll miss it if we don’t blog, cuz we generally think only Tina & Jayne (our moms) read Covet Living.  My point is: look alive, folks!  PS: this is how I watched the Bach on Hulu last night.  As it should be: in my big white fluffy bed (#TheCloud) with a Taco Bell nacho supreme in my lap.  And a hovering Gus.

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EHHHMAHGAH LOOK AT HIS FACE!  Did you know Gus has his own Insta?  I know – it’s cat lady status material but he’s the coolest, so whatever.

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2. Why must they ALWAYS gallop towards each other?  I get it – it’s TV – but c’mon.  It’s not a Disney movie.

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2.5. Diss da sweetest thing.

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3. Where are this child’s lace-up Viking boots that she’ll outgrow next week from?  The Gymboree outpost at the Ritz Carlton in Aspen?  Pretty sure I was wearing Keds and Jellies from Wal-Mart at that age.

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3.5. Be still my heart.  He’s a doll.

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4. I love how “my feelings for Amanda are stronger than ever” segued STRAIGHT into this situation.  Otherwise known as “birth control.”

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It’s the same thing that happens to me in the checkout line at the grocery store. Love little chickens – can’t wait to have ’em someday – but then I hear the shrill shriek of a tantrum from 2 inches away, and suddenly I’m okay with the fact that I get to sleep in in peace on Saturday mornings.

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5. Timeout: why are his shorts so tight?  This pic isn’t the best demonstration – maybe he ate a bunch Cheetos and got bloated after this – but I promise they were Speedos.  That’s contraception enough.  Dems swimmas aren’t goin ANYWHERE next week on the overnight dates.  Solid prep work, bud.

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6. All I could think when Ben was looking at the whiskey wall like it was his dream come true was whether or not he was really thinking on the inside, “do I spy any Boone’s Farm up there?”

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7. Do you think Lauren B and Emily Henderson are aware that they were separated at birth?  Just curious.

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8. If Doogie Howser and Dylan McKay ever played swords, they would’ve created Lauren B’s sweet little rosy-cheeked brother.  I give him props for single-handedly bringing back the 90’s.

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9. Oh MYYYYYYYYY.  Lauren B for the WIN!  He LOOOOOOOOVES HER.  Errbuddy else can go home.  Also – her sister’s REAL cute.

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10. If Mr. Lauren B eats like, 847 boxes of Girl Scout cookies and doesn’t shave between now and November, he could totes pass for Santy Claus.  Such a jolly happy soul!

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11. Did Ben just say “precipice”?  …interesting.  Chalk one up for the public school system in our great home state of Indiana.

12. Why do I feel like Hello Kitty just pulled an index card from the fishbowl of questions at the Miss America pageant and is now giving her dissertation about her goal for world peace?

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13. That is one enviable weave.

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14. I actually love Willy Wonka the Toy Man – he’s a sweet, insightful man.  But I couldn’t get this out of my head:

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15. I love him for asking Caila’s parents what’s it’s been like for them.  Most socially aware and considerate bachelor of all time.

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16.  I also love Willy Wonka for telling Ben he can’t imagine how tough it must be to be in his shoes.  Kumbahyah everybody.

17.  Hey girl heeeeeey! Next month you should totes get all pastel rubberbands for Easter.  Signed,  I’m going to h*ll.

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18. Cailia’s dad’s blurb was one of the best things I’ve ever heard: “(paraphrasing)…if you find the right person and marry them, you’ll never regret it for one day of your life.

18.5. Remember when Jojo mentioned her ex-boyfriend and Ben was all:

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19. The Jo Bros – aka the guy wearing a shirt from Baby Gap who looks like his name is Tony and the guy who reminds me of a Pastor with a lisp – are the Property Brothers!  Camp Finkle IS Camp Einhorn.  Slash this is reminiscent of the tragic scene from Des’ season with her tragic brother.  I call Jojo as the next Bachelorette.

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20. It’s been awhile since I took a math class, but this equation puzzles me to no end.

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21. Am I wrong?

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Doppelgänger math equation aside, I actually really loved Jojo’s mom and thought she was super sweet.

22. Also, this is amazing.  Do it girl.  Screen shot courtesy of former CofC Tennis Stud and fellow Bach fanatic Bill Brehmer.

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23. Hey.  He ain’t wrong.  Solid point, Pastor Jo Bro.

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24. If anyone asked me if I wanted to hang out with the Jo Bros come Thanksgiving, this is how I’d respond.

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24.5. I felt the same way buddy.  They were EXHAUSTING.  And a little too unfair to Ben I thought. Hate the game, not the playa, yo!

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25. If my family had acted like that on my hometown, I’d be wearing that dress too. DAYYYUM JOJO!  The spank banks of teenage boys everywhere thank you.

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26. DANG. They just don’t make sweet sensitive boys like him… ‘cept in the Midwest.

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27. The Dennis the Menace and Doogie Howser outtake/firing squad??  AMAZING.

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And, since I’m such a jerk, here go you.  Weekly reminder that we’re all special.

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Peace out!!!

Steph's Scanned Signature

18 Responses to “Bach Recap: Hometowns”


  • Oh how I miss you! Cackling the whole time I read this! Much love to you!

  • your math equation on jojo’s parentage=spot on! couldn’t agree more with your assessment with the Jo-Bros. they weren’t wrong but they were exhausting, and we’ll be DVRing their reality show on Lifetime in a few years.

  • You did it again. Love these recaps. love Gus. Love the Taco Bell. Love the margarita. I even love the little blankie over the head picture. Because that’s totally what I would do if I had to spend holidays with that family.

  • Do you really think Caila has a weave in? If so it’s stellar. I watch the show like a hawk looking for a clip in or keratin bond camera slip up. I wish they would just tell us who has real hair or not. Like “Lauren B, Flight Attendent, 16″ clip ins”.

  • Your recaps are the best! Thanks for the laughs

  • UGH -The Gallop Greeting. Like a feminine hygiene commercial. Love love your recaps. And I watch it from behind the Throw Pillow Shield of Shame for those especially icky moments. Your Bach fans missed you!

  • BTW… did you know that one of Jojo’s brothers was on a reality show very similar to the Bachelor (Ready For Love in 2013)?? Oh man, I thought that was too funny. Always love reading your blog!! Thanks for sharing what we’re ALL thinking! 🙂 xoxo

  • Thanks for the laughs, dollface!! So spot-on it is silly!! There’s no way I would want to get into JoJo’s family though….far too much room for “did we TELL you???” when anything potentially goes wrong. Ack. Writing on the wall. There’s no chance of that anyway, he’s got his mind made up!

  • Missed your blog! Great recap, as always! I’m still wondering- why were there lil short doors all over Lauren B’s house? Do they hire little people or children as staff? I was just waiting for someone/anyone, to jump out of one of those doors! Ben must REALLY be into Jojo- when he showed up she was crying about an ex then her brothers, oh my! He handled the situations well! I agree, I heart Jojo’s Mom!

  • I always crack at something on your blog…the tight shorts and dem swimmas was hilarious

  • Soooo glad you’re back. The internet really isn’t the same without you! I think I peed my pants a little at the pastel rubber bands comment. Perfectly spot on – as always!

  • laugh out loud every time, analogies couldn’t be better!

  • Clever and hilarious as always. Glad you’re back and thanks for the shout out.

  • OK this is hysterical. and 2) Jojo’s baby gap sweater wearing brother is GORGEOUS! they should make HIM the next bachelor! seriously, how can they incorporate more of him

  • PS i just read this 3 times. jojo’s mom math equation! hysterical! seriously though…that woman has had a lot of work done. i mean, good on her but its a bit surprising…like, do they live in vegas or something? did she used to be a lounge singer? I usually only think people that live in bev hills or boca raton had that much work done.

  • Calia was a poor representation of Cleveland….but her hair is fabulous and she looks like a Pert Plus commercial. She neglected to mention that out of the 18 schools she attended, they were all private schools and cost a crap-ton of money to attend. And she had Buddy the Elf for a dad who indeed could pass for Mr. Burns….with bad pants. I loved his question to Ben: so how’s it been having microwave fame? Well played Mr.Burns, well played. Excellent recap as always.

  • Thanks for making my night! Your recaps are the best, always.

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