1. If I’m that bike, I’m having a REAL bad day today.
Also… this was on the menu last night at my house. So I’m not far behind.
2. Holy sweet baby Jesus. The best part of waking up every day would be rolling over and seeing THAT. jfkdl;sajfkdjslkfjdksljfkljklfdsa
3. “I really love Japanese culture… I love sushi, I love….” (aaaand yep, that’s all he’s got folks). Dude, get this guy outta here.
4. Look at this little sugarplum! Gettin’ in love wherever he can.
5. Haaaaaaa I love her. And I wouldah done the same thing.
6. Poor Bart. Bless his heart left nut.
7. Watching JJ get tossed out of the ring feels like opening presents Christmas morning. Or swimming with mermaids. Or dunking a heavily buttered baguette in my coffee. Or, how I would feel if Gus had like, 10 puppies. Utter bliss.
8. Behold, ladies & gentlemen: proof that man babies DO still exist, even at the age of 35. Acting like a fussy kid in diapers while actually IN a diaper is just the icing on the cake. FIRST he’s all beating his chest and slicking back his hair, à la, “These dudes don’t know who they’re f*cking with.” And then 2.2 seconds after he gets manhandled like a little girl, he’s traipsing off set like somebody just took away his Tonka Twucks and pouting about how he’s not a fighter and doesn’t do violence?? Bahahaa. I call the p-word. And I don’t mean pouty.
9. I mean, choosing a favorite Tony line of the night is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky. Where do I begin??
“I have the heart of a WARRIOR and the spirit of a gypsy.”
“Why can’t we go to the zoo?”
“I just wanna go back to my bonsai trees.” (Hold please… I just dropped the mic.)
“I’m not a quitter… I’m walking away on my terms.” …you’re totally right, you sweet little nut bucket. It’s not a half dozen, it’s 6. It’s not a baby deer (eyeroll), it’s a fawn. When I was born, I weighed 9 pounds and 16 ounces. Pretty sure “walking away” is synonymous with “quitting.” Namaste.
10. TELL ME this wouldn’t be the most amazing couple in Bachelor History. #mfeo
11. Cupcake needs to help his boy JJ out with some Crest Whitestrips, cuz dem toofs are about 20x tanner than his chest.
He also needs a sumo-sized dose of Proactiv for his back. And a good swift kick in the nuts. AND some humility. I could go on, but I gotta go to work today at some point.
12. Kaitlyn (playfully) calling out “If someone HANDED me a snake I would totally take it, but when it’s wrapped around a toilet, that’s a totally different story” = huhlarious, and so true. Sweet, sweet Ben. He’s a big, meaty stud with goo on the inside.
13. Shifting gears: Ben talking about his mom slays me.
14. Am I the only person in America who doens’t buy the Clint + JJ hoax? I don’t think they’re in love with each other; I think they’re both just in love with themselves.
15. I actually cannot believe Bart let his buddy Ryan walk out of the house like this. Loan a brotha a dollop of Dep, wouldja?
16. These kids are effing hilarious. Child Oscars for everyone. Maybe the best stunt in Bachelor history.
17. I love that they can show Juan Pablo and Claire doin’ the nasty in the ocean, everybody mounting everybody else in the hot tub, but Idaho doing the same tampon torpedo demo that’s on the back of the Tampax box isn’t suitable for television.
18. Ben H has spoken. And by “spoken” I mean turned reproduction into a Nora Ephron-esque love story. Everyone else: take a moment, and say your goodbyes.
19. I don’t wanna be mean cuz he IS such a sweet guy, but how come when I look at White Fang aka the Manager at Denny’s, I have visions of the time Donnie Wahlberg lost 50-some pounds to play the schizophrenic guy in The Sixth Sense. Or when Christian Bale didn’t eat for a year to play the crack addict from The Fighter? Just sayin’. I kinda wanna feed him some Papa John’s and then let him grab a shower and a shave.
20. I mean. I can’t even believe I missed this doppelgänger before. If anyone needs me, I’ll be in a self-inflicted timeout.
What did I miss? I’m sure tons. Because last night’s episode was HILARIOUS and brimming with more nonsense than I could possibly recap in one day.
xoxo!
