House Beautiful

Archive for the 'Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps' Category

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Bachelor Recap: The Rise of Minnie Mouse / The Vegas Meltdown

Camps!… sorry for the no-screen-shots this week.  Casa Covet Living‘s lighting plan and tile selections call.  But a book without pictures will suffice, right?  OPA!

1. Wait. How does Olivia know that Hello Kitty having kids “isn’t what Ben wants“? Oh wait; that’s right. They speak their own (AIRQUOTES) “secret love language.” Stay there one quick sec while I go pull my own trigger and heave.

2. I love Lauren just a little bit more after she spit fudgsicle juice at him thru her night guard / retainer.  The only thing that could’ve made that whole scene better is her doing the dance she made up in 4th grade to a track off of Rhythm Nation in an adult onesie.

3. Mickey Mouse aka Deadbeat Dad is the WORST. Got lotsa love for Minnie Mouse.  If you’d handed me 2 kids at the age of 25 ida lost my marbles… because at 34 when Gus has a headache, I pull an Annellle from Steel Magnolias at the State Fair à la (“OH MAHHH GAHHHHHD MAH CON-TACT LANNNNNNSSS!  NOBODY MOOOOVE!) and call in the National Guard and take sick leave from work.  Gotta give the girl props.

4. Ben should run for President. I mean, Gus would still win (OBVI), but Ben would be a worthy opponent.  He is so charismatic it’s stupid.

5. Becca Becca honey the 4:30am scene is ova – take your hair outta that pink foam hot roller on toppuh your head.

5.5.  It actually does look cute.  Don’t listen to me.

6. Do you think if I throw a piece of popcorn at the TV, Olivia will catch it I her gaping bug-catching mouth?

7. Heather’s bit about the kids menu = cackle worthy.

8. Olivia keeps talking about how amazing Ben is and all I wanna say to her is:”…you know what? You got BE a deal to get a deal.”  Cuz kids.  She ain’t a deal.

9. Best outfit in bachelor history goes to (!!!): Lauren B. in the white twosie tube top and long skirt.  Also.  She might weigh 75 lbs soaking wet by DAYYYUM she’s been doing squats or something because her tiny duh-donk sits up higher than Jubilee’s at a military tension.

10. Omg I love Lauren the Teacher. She’s like the sweet, Midwest G-rated girl I was friends with in 4th grade.  Nice and normal as normal could be.  I bet she would’ve made me a friendship bracelet and braided my hair after gym class while we reenacted scenes from Babysitter’s Club.  I think Ben has a healthy adoration for who she is, and I could see him swapping friendship bracelets with her, but I don’t see rings or parties in her pants in their future.  Am I wrong?

11.  Poor Vegas.  She’s growing on me… ‘spesh without makeup (way betta).  But that whole scene at the end where she had one too many rum & cokes and took one for the team and outed Olivia in an all-out meltdown.  Not her most flattering moment, but hey girl – thanks for layin’ down on the tracks for your peeps.

xoxoxoxooxoxoxoxox

-S

Bachelor Recap, Week 3: Peter Brady is a Lover.

1.  Since the Bachelor airs 3 hours earlier on the east coast than here, every Monday around 6pm my time my phone explodes with “EHMAHGAH no she just DIH-N’T!” and the like.  Last night I got not one, not two, but **three** Olivia-themed texts in a span of literally 30 seconds.  This, my friends, was my favorite of the three.  Cuz it’s the most spot-on doppelgänger I’ve ever seen.

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2.  “Lace is reaching the end of her dynamite stick” = Hello Kitty drops mic.  Can’t judge a cartoon by its color people.  Even Sanrio’s got sass.

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3.  “There is a mean girl in there” (Minnie Mouse & Lauren B talking about Olivia) = the tribe of sweet girls in the house has spoken. Spot on peeps!  Pass the cream & sugar.

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4.  What is it about Lauren B?  She’s not the most drop dead gorgeous in the room, but… Ooh, I know. She’s a totally well-adjusted, kind, caring, beautiful in her own way and totally normal girl.  With good values.  She is PRECIOUS.  Slash girl – you can come home to my home state any time. #laurenforprez

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5.  I DIE.

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6.  That’s a great disheveled updo.  This chick can do no wrong.  PS he LUUUUUUVS her.

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7. “What does life look like for you?” = a question ALL DUDES should weave into their repertoire. And guys – y’all know this right?? You’re amazing at answering questions about yourselves but y’all NEVER really ask them… ‘spesh not the important ones like our golden boy Ben just did. Consider this the best advice you’ve ever gotten and get on your game.

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8.  Slash did Ben just say, “l forgot the depth at which that kind of love exists.”?? Good LAWWWD, who IS he??  Besides a legit endangered species.

9.  “I have zero ball handling skills” = Oh… honeybun.  We don’t say things like that out loud.

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10. These situations remind me of those rare Saturday nights after a few pops when I come home and have an impromptu crying fest for no reason…

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…and then wake up the next day and realize this:

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11. Introducing Santa’s favorite Elf.

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12. Listen. I’ll give props to ANY Bachelorette who rolls up her sleeves and takes a dive in the dirt. But is she still the keeper of the year wheeeeeennn the ball comes towards the goal in super slow mo?

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13. STUNNER.  Look at her skin.  Dang girl.  I hope the exit limo took her straight to Neutrogena to sign on as their new spokesperson.

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14. Hey.  Less shopping at Bebe / less complaining / more just-sack-up-and-go talk to him. You’re too old to be acting this silly.

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Update… oh my.  She just took that advice to the bank didn’t she?  Went right on in for it.  And not smoothly but hey.  It got her a rose, I guess.

15. This exchange = the most hilarious and also disconcerting (maybe ever) on this show: “Wait… was it my ankles?? …Wait, my toes?” // “Girl… Your toes like aren’t cute.”

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16. The fact that he doesn’t have painted-on abs / didn’t train with Cody before the season / has a high school senior’s version of Dad-Bod makes me love him a little bit more… maybe cuz there’s a lack of vanity there but probably cuz he’s been too busy like, bandaging refugees in whatever 3rd world country he’s always volunteering in.

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In other news: how many squats and dead-lifts do I have to do to make my rear-end sit up as high as Jubilee’s does???  Dayyyyyyyyyyuuuuuummmm.

17. PS, I really like Jubilee, but I can’t take girls seriously when they say things like: “I’m the most complicated person here.”  Gurl.  C’mon.

18. Dear Olivia. Let’s disregard everything about anyone besides you – including the fact that Ben just lost some people who are obviously dear to him – so that we can focus (more) on you, and talk about your trivial insecurities e.g. your corns and cankles. You a-hole. Does she have a soul?  ..Pretty sure the answer is no, and pretty sure he already knows it.

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19.  I’ll tell ya who does have a soul: Minnie Mouse.  Cuz the first thing she did was ask him how he was and try to comfort him.

20.  #nomnomnom – reason #957 why we love Lauren B.  Because no one has ever take a bigger bite of Caesar salad. Ever.  PS: look at Jubes back there… this was that scene when the girls were being REAL b*tchy – e.g. JoJo.  And here I thought JoJo and I were friends / I was pulling for her last week.  Jury’s out.

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21. This is the best decision Lace has ever made on the show.  Bless her heart.

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22. Does Olivia know his first name is Ben? AKA not benhiggins like it’s one word? Slash somebody get that girl a Neutrogena oil pad stat.

23. This whole situation was NOT COOL.  And so silly.  And def not smart on Amber’s part.

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That’s all I got!  Except… Jason Mesnick’s socks in the little After-the-Bach special, which I was about to turn off but had to pause and look closer, JUST to make sure I understood what I was seeing.  Such a goofball.

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xo!

Steph's Scanned Signature