So listen… who am I to talk? I was wearing sweatpants and washing down Samoas with Chardonnay last night. With Gus in my lap. Ah, who cares – let’s dish!
BEST DRESSED #1: HANDS-DOWN HOTTEST
My favorite girl takes the cake! I mean, DAMN. Look at ‘er go. Smokin’ hot. On top of which, we should all take a lesson from Kate: a girl’s best accessory is confidence.
BEST DRESSED #2: PRETTIEST IN PINK
I mean, good LORD. I doubt she’s anyone else’s best dressed, but I gasped when I saw her. I’m just confused about the Dyeables clutch, which I can only assume she got at that one store in the Muncie Mall… the one where I had my satin shoes dyed to match my seafoam green dress for Prom.
LET’S TALK ABOUT ELLEN.
I’m pretty sure she borrowed her opening get-up from Abraham Lincoln’s closet, and I felt like things were a little shaky at first… But then, she called Liza Minelli a man, poked fun at Jennifer Lawrence for tripping, ordered pizza and dressed up as Glenda the Good Witch. And I lived happily ever after.
In other news… Liza Minelli did an awful lot of twitching, jerking, and duck-facing last night. She’s – uh – an interesting bird.
PERFECTION FROM THE NECK UP.
But from the neck down, it reminded me of Death Becomes Her.
HO-LY TESTICLE TUESDAY!
Somebody pass me a towel. I can’t handle it. Obviously his wife couldn’t either.. which is how she ended up 148 months pregnant.
Who am I to knock a pregnant lady? But seriously. This frightened me. I want to get a giant bump bra to holster that thing. And I love a little classy side-boob now and then, but if her bump sinks any lower, her whole right boobie is going to fall out.
Also, the va-va-voom hair was off the charts.
AND JUST WHEN YOU THOUGHT YOU COULDN’T LOVE HER MORE…
SOMETHING’S JUST NOT QUITE RIGHT.
Like her. Love the dress. Jury’s out on the necklace. Lips are too severe. Don’t love the hair. It’s just all 1+ 1 + 1 + 1 = 2 for me… aka doesn’t add up.
PRETTIEST PREGNANT LADY OF ALL TIME.
Olivia Wilde was a close second, but Olivia Pope pushed her off the pedestal. Also: best hair I’ve ever seen from the back. Ever.
I DIG ALL THE LONG-SLEEVED DOILY & SEQUIN ARMOR.
But seriously. Did all of their stylists not compare notes beforehand? I feel like every other girl had this get-up on. Molly Sims did it best in my book.
BEST EARRINGS OF ALL TIME.
And I’m going to get crucified for saying this and I adore her, but the best thing I have to say about this dress is that it has some strategically placed sequins. Otherwise it felt like Kerry Washington’s Marchesa from the 2013 Emmy’s, but with a Showgirls twist.
SIDENOTE: MY DREAM COME TRUE = A JOAN RIVERS RETURN TO THE RED CARPET
Remember the time she said to Sela Ward, who was wearing this number: “I understand you’re representing K-Mart.” bwahahjfk;dhkjafhjkdhfhaha. I cackled for DAYS.
LOVELY LADY IN NAVY.
I think I was expecting her to go not-so-safe, but she does look flawless.
MOST ENVIABLE BEACH WAVES.
And least enviable bow tie.
ALRIGHT ALRIGHT ALRIGHT!
White-tux-done-right. And I usually give Mr. McConaughey a big fat eye roll for being so full of himself, but this time I gotta hand it to him: that Oscar was well-deserved, times 10. Speech was also sweet.
DOES SHE EVER GET IT WRONG?
The answer is no.
DOES SHE EVER EAT PIZZA?
Again. The answer is no. But she might be foaming at the mouth there.
Her face was stretched so tight, I was afraid it was going to pop. Dress was fab though.
I’m indifferent. She looked fine. I think I’m just over it – probably forever – after last awards season.
THE HAIR = TOO AUSTERE.
You could take that ‘do for a spin on the back of a crotch rocket going 400 mph and it still wouldn’t budge. Otherwise, I adore her and like the dress/earrings combo.
JASON SUDEKIS IS GETTING BETTER LOOKING BY OSMOSIS, JUST FOR BEING HER BABY DADDY.
CC BLOOM’S IN BLOOM!
SO stunning in the Reem Acra. And Wind Beneath My Wings?? She killed me. KILLED ME.
DOILY MEETS DELIA SHADES.
And I loved it. Portia also makes me want to start doing yoga and start eating bean sprouts.
A BIT BRIDAL, BUT BEAUTIFUL.
I never knew they made tulle in that color. I’d like to chop that skirt to knee-length and pair it with a grey wife beater and cute stilettos.
She’s also totally channeling Lauren Hutton ca 1975 Oscars. But the accessories felt a little too sweet… like, too Cleopatra-meets-Tinkerbell. Otherwise, she is precious, and her acceptance speech was so gracious.
LAST BUT NOT LEAST: HAS EVERYBODY MET MY NEW BOYFRIEND?
Who were your best & worst dressed??