House Beautiful

Men Tell All Recap: 7 Takeaways


Sorry this is so tardy and to add insult to injury, is gonna be so short.  Truth be told, I dove head-first into a bowl of tortilla chips & guac at Bach Night on Monday and then took a food nap through the 2nd half of the show.  Whoops.


Then my DVR sharted the bed and didn’t record so I never caught the last 30 min or so.  But it got pretty snoozy there for awhile… right?  Anyhoo – here are my observations from before I slipped into a Mexicoma:

1.  Truvy from Steel Magnolias DEF got her hands on Ashley S’s weave for the show.  It looked about like this.  Hey – go big or go home.


2.  Kubah hands-down beyond a shadow of a doubt shops in the Cabbage Patch Kid section of the Chippendale store.  His whole (re: Nick) “…some men have babies, some men had jobs they lost to come here” bit may’ve been a fair point, but I couldn’t take him seriously in that outfit.  I felt like he was about to bust out a Magic Mike XXL-esque routine.  To NIN.

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3.  The best thing anyone has ever said on this show – EVER – was that ‘Princeton needs to teach a class on how not to be an a$$ hole.’  (Tanner Bob Costas drops mic).  And I guess I’ll give Ian some snaps for at least sacking up and owning his behavior.  Cuz lots of boys don’t.  But he’s still a goober and I think he’ll still be hard-pressed to find a chick who’ll touch him with a 99.5 ft pole after his haughty shenanigans this season.  Sidenote: the camera didn’t pick it up but I’m pretty sure Bart’s eyeballs have lasers coming out of them right now.


4.  These words taste like acid on fire rolled in feces coming out of my mouth but JJ’s hair and beard situation is MUCH improved.  I also think he read Covet Living and started sipping his red wine through a straw and using Crest Cupcake Whitestrips.  Hey.  You gotta love a guy who’s coachable.

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4.5. AH – can’t believe I almost forgot and I don’t have a pic but I give Jared the most improved player award.  Shaving the beard helped and I also think he may’ve had some powder on but nonetheless… lookin’ good Ace!  He also gets the kindest soul award.  What a good egg.  When he was talking about how hearing Linger still time warps him back to his whirlwind romance with Kaitlyn, I fist-bumped him long distance.  Cuz it still takes me back to parties in Tristan Fischer-Smith’s basement in 7th grade.

5.  You know who’s not coachable?  Cupcake.  Cuz I’m pretty sure I told him never to wear that jacket ever again.  Toofs look shiny & clean though!


6.  Emily Henderson in the house (!)  What up girl!


7.  Excuse me one sec: Has Ben H gotten hotter in the last 10 minutes? fsjklfjdklajfl;kdjsalfjdksjfkldsjafl;kdas;lk LAWD.  That’s about enough to make me get a running start towards the casting office. In all seriousness, Ben is adorable but it’s not his Peter-Brady-boyish looks that make him such a dreamboat – it’s his humility.


That’s all I got Camps!  PS: Gus says wassup.



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Bachelorette Recap: Three’s a Crowd

1.  Chez moi last night.  Italiano (!)  So good.

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And if you haven’t made these turkey meatballs yet, then you aren’t livin.  Gus is a good helper… look at that face!  Like no one’s ever fed or loved him a day in his life. #andtheoscargoestogus


2.  Just a little snack to warm it up… this knee-slapper came to me via my Fairy Godmother JB from Jersey.  I have not stopped howling for a week.  You know I love Bart – even in spite of his toddler Tonka Twuck fussy meltdown last week – but this is the truth:

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3.  Another one from Megan on Twitter.  I DIE. BFdhjkhfjkahjhajkhahahhahaha.  Shiest – I get by with a little help from my friends.

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4.  Also, I know I’m a real skank for making fun of these poor unfortunate souls every week.  So to level the playing field, here’s what my hair looks like in the morning.  Pretty sure Mufasa is my doppelgänger.  You’re welcome.  With any luck, potential suitors everywhere will be reading this post.

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5.  Are Kaitlyn & Ben repping the J.Crew Kennybunkport collection ca 1997?  Hey – I’m not complaining.  I dig a good cable knit.  OMG is it Fall yet??

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6.  Peter Brady in a DILF sweater in cold weather is like a sweet slice of apple pie on an Indian Summer day.  On a hay ride.  Like buttah.


7.  Ben H is (er, was until last week) 25?!!?  Lawd.  I’m not sure if his balls have dropped yet, but bless his heart – it looked like somebody took the eraser of a No. 2 pencil to the back of his head.  Cutest bald spot I’ve ever seen.  In other news, he’s a *really* good guy and always seems to say the right thing, but was it just me??  I didn’t see it between them.  They were adorable, great on paper, probably really liked each other cuz they’re both cool people but I dunno… something was missing, right?


Sidenote: DAYUM.  That girl can rock a red dress.


8.  Hands-down the best thing I’ve ever seen on this show.  I was also delighted to see him not acting like his head was inside a vice and about to explode.


Alf has never looked so good.  That’s just not a bad bod.


When she picked his clothes up and ran for the hills, I knew we were destined to be besties.


9.  Is he serious with those cap sleeves?  Honey, your clothes are all size XXXS.  We can already see your muscles (…and as Karrie so aptly pointed out a few weeks ago – we can also see your mushroom tip through your skinny jeans).


10.  How did I not know Nick had 98 siblings?


11.  Bella’s a little sweetie pie, but did the producers tell her Santa wasn’t real to make her cry so they could shoot it and pretend she was still distraught that Nick + Andi didn’t work out?  That part was straight bizarre.


12.  I found his Mom’s passive-aggressive dig at Andi was unnecessary… Yikes – hell hath no fury like a (family) scorned.  Speaking of his mom… I can’t decide what I liked better: her magical Birkenstocks or her ‘do.  I’m also pretty sure there’s a giant dreamcatcher hanging above her bed.


13.  The family hair game is uncanny.  Do you think she gave him a blowdryer for his 5th birthday and was like, “ok honey… now aim it at the back of your head like this and turn it on full blast“?


14.  Most endearing part of the show.  #bellaforpresident

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15. I hate to be an a-hole but how come nobody told Shawn’s Pa that he had a bat in the cave?  That ain’t cool.  I tried to help… it didn’t work.


In other news, can we talk about what a baller my dog is?  Have y’all met Gus the Tazmanian devil?




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