House Beautiful

Bachelor Week 2: What National Championship?

1.  I’ll say it: Kaitlyn’s right eyeball is pointing due east.  #seeyouonthebustohell


2.  “Slow clap” …BAHAHHAHAHAHHA.  But I gotta give it to (I’ve already forgotten her name) for asking to stay… bold move sister.


And I gotta give it to him for being sweet enough to give her another shot.  Plus the bit where he walked back in and re-introduced himself??  Adorable.


3.  “When I went to sleep I was like, so daydreaming about Chris right now, and I was like, ‘are other girls like, lying in their beds daydreaming about him right now too?'” …I’m gonna pause to let everybody think about that one for a sec, and whether or not it makes a ^#%* lick of sense.  Nevermind the psych and STD tests they probably have to take before they come on the show – I just wanna know if she spelled her own name right on the SAT’s.


4.  Now THAT is a man who can wear pink.


….this is what I do at home when he wears stuff like that:

mgm lion

5.  Did you catch the moment when Chris took a whiff of the fresh air and went all Mighty Dog on us?  Bless his heart.  He’s kinda nerdy.  But in the sweetest and most humble way anyone possibly could be.


6.  I give Cody big hi-5’s long distance for whipping the Farmer into shape before production started…

sweaty soules

But the plunging V / unzipped sweatshirt with chest hair poking out *prolly* oughta stay in Cody’s playbook where it belongs.

J.Lo and Cody

Slash, you tell me – whose pecks are bigger?  Chris’ or Jillian’s?  …my money’s on The Hulk Lube & Flex.


7.  I hope for his sake he doesn’t drop the soap, cuz I bet there’s a crouching floozy / hidden skank in the bushes just waiting to pounce.


8.  This is where I draw the line.


9.  I lost at least 400 brain cells during Kelsey aka Melba Toast’s date.  She is a Natalie Portman-esque stunner, and I totally appreciate and respect the fact that she is raising a child as a mere kiddo herself, but c’maaahnn.  That doesn’t erase the cringe-worthy lunacy of the alien comment. Or the “I love your big nose!” business.  Or the fact that she was on a mission to see how many times she could cram the word “like” into every single sentence.


10. Also.  GURL.  I know you just hit puberty last year, but instead of twirling your pigtails and gushing to the other girls aka vipers in the room about how many times he kissed you & such, maybe just go ahead and paint a GIANT bullseye on your back. (Face palm).  And she better watch out, cuz they’re about to hand Courtney Thorne Smith an oozie.


11. HOW did Megan hold it together talking about how her dad passed away like, two weeks before filming started?  That is HEAVY stuff.  I think I really like her… for being a real chick, having some smarts, and for not being a stick insect.


Though what was this??  …I’ll give her a pass, because maybe she was still criggity crunked from the rose ceremony.


12.  DAMN.  That man can wear a blue shirt too.


13.  I lied last week.  Courtney Thorne Smith’s not gonna boil a bunny – she’s gonna boil that poor cat.  What IS this nonsense?  This has gotta be a charade… right?  Slash, raise your hand if she reminded you of Jodie Foster in Nell for just a minute when she was speaking in tongues.



14.  Seriously.  Who gave cuckoo for cocoa puffs a firearm?  #198sandwichesshortofapicnic


15.  Dear Ashley: be a doll and pass your girl Lube & Flex some mascara.  Cuz we know you have 47 tubes of it stashed in your Louis Vuitton, as is evidenced by the tarantulas attached to your eyeballs.

Screen Shot 2015-01-13 at 7.47.03 AM

16.  Is he brushing his teeth between makeouts?  I feel like making out with Chris is a ride at the fair this week, and everyone’s just gettin’ in line.  Step right up, folks!


17.  Is Erin Andrews on this season and I didn’t know it??


18.  Hands-down the grossest makeout in Bachelor history.  And I knew it was gonna be all down hill from the moment she came at him with her mouth gaping open, like a large-mouth bass, then tried to mount him and swallow him whole.


Sorry but I just don’t see this one goin’ anywhere.


19.  Or this one.  I know they have to keep some chicks for ratings, but c’mon.  This makes me sad for ANY girl who genuinely wanted to have a shot with him and/or come on the show to do more than twerk, gyrate and get wasted on TV.


20.  “Neh-nehneh-neh-neeehhhhh” = right up there with “nannah-nannah-boo-boo.”  And I hadn’t heard it since a game of tag at recess, when I was 8.  Until last night.


She might be fun though this season.  I give her props for keepin’ it real with colorful commentary in all her interviews:


21.  Jillian taking a nose-dive on the rug when she thought he called her name, followed by her getting up and pounding her chest and laughing a scary “MUUU-HA-HA-HA-HA” for an hour is still making me cringe over coffee this morning.

22.  He kept the Cuckoo Bird???????  FJKDSL:JKDFJOUueifjdlkjfklds;ajdlk;j&$*#(&$**(#@*)(#*@(*#@()#*@)(.  WWWWHHHAT?!  I got nothin’… except this is hard evidence that the producers must get at least 4 picks every week.

That’s all I got this week!  The floor is open.  Click here for last week’s in case you missed it.

Oh – wait…  I’ll keep with tradition, just to keep the playing field level.  Cuz it can’t be easy being under a microscope on national TV, while intoxicated.  PS: Kaycie Carr! Thanks for letting me tear a hole in the dance floor at your wedding, like a lunatic.


*Shirtless Chris photo credit is from by way of Michelle Money’s Twitter.


Steph's Scanned Signature

1 Response to “Bachelor Week 2: What National Championship?”

  • I’m snorting at your Bachelor play-by-play and almost lost my quiche thru my nose. As a Jersey girl, I must concur w/your comment #15. Why can’t we represent w/a girl who is not a big haired/hooped table flipper who needs assistance carrying her lashes to the car? Trust me: We don’t all look or act like that. She’s so outta he-ah. And I loved your dance floor snap as it’s all about the face crunch when you’re getting down and getting funky!

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