1. First of all, can we please get on an Oscar-esque schedule for the finale so we’re all on the same page? Cuz every 2.7 minutes I get an “OMG NO HE JUST DIH-N’T” text from my East Coast / Midwest homies, but HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. Though my fave is when I get a high-larious FaceTime call from my homegirl Sheena back in C-bus on Monday nights, who used to be a staple at my Bach night parties. Hey girl heeeeeey! a) She’s gonna kill me for posting this, and b) If I weren’t me I’d kill me too, cuz look at the pipe cleaner afro puffs she caught me with.
2. Ben’s parents are sweet as
pie Indiana sweet corn. God love um. Did you see his mom holding Lauren’s hand?? I die.
3. Lauren asking Ben’s mom how she could best help him as a partner might be the best question any contestant has ever asked a parent.
4. In other news, congrats to Mrs. Ben who is now obviously repping Kirkland brands and single-handedly bringing back the Bermuda short. Guarantee there’s a Higgins-themed special going on in aisle 5 right now at Costco thanks to her.
5. Ben obviously threw a pair in every color of the rainbow in the cart (did you see the Marsala pair??) Though his Bermudas are from the kids’ section, cuz every episode he’s legit ONE THIN MINT AWAY from his crown jewels busting the seam of those things.
6. Uh, that’s not what I look like when I get outta the pool. Just sayin.
7. “I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but it’ll be worth it.” Sweet, and gyah is it true. I could write a whole dissertation on that line & relationships today… but another day cuz right now we’re biz-ay.
8. I’m so confused every time Ben says that he and Jojo have “made it through some rough times.” I’m sorry but does her Douche Lord of an ex-boyfriend leaving a voicemail constitute a rough time?
9. I’ve been pulling for Lauren all along, but man, Jojo was nipping at her heels as my pick this episode… mostly cuz she just seemed so loving and genuine…
…but ALSO because he seemed SO into her.
Though I can’t tell if it was more lust than love and if he was just packin’ a super chub in his Bermudas and dying to doink her one last time. Also – Jojo’s always been cute but when did she morph into a total smoke show??? Good LAWD girl. Get it.
10. PS did you guys see this on Jojo’s Insta? Hilarious.
11. Speaking of Instagram, you guys should follow Lauren’s. It’s a sea of gorgeous, dreamy coastal eye candy and uplifting quotes & shiz. Jojo’s is aight but it’s more a sea of selfies.
12. This is not my observation – it’s my homegirl Betsy’s from last night – but oh-so-true: did you notice how Lauren never ONCE used her time to focus on anything else but them / never once asked Ben about Jojo or how he felt about her? Confidence, girl. Way to keep your eye on the ball – Bravo.
13. Introducing Miss Texas 1992, wearing the Dreamsicle dress from the Ice Capades Collection for JC Penney. I mean, not to take anything away from her cuz she’s a stunner, but I thought this aged her and that she could done better.
14. Super sweet. Love um.
14.5. Quick segue: I’d like to take this opportunity to make sure our girl Leah just saw that proposal – and to shout through my megaphone to her, and to Mean Girls the world over – cuz it shows to go ya, y’old slampigs: Nice Girls Finish First and CHEATERS.NEVER.WIN.
Also, did he just call her dad and ask for his blessing?? The sweetest. Reason #986 why I love him.
15. And here’s one reason I wanna slap his wrist: y’all know I think he’s the best bachelor ever / generally love everything he says & does and the way he carries himself, but WAS it necessary to be so haughty and condescending during ATFS, and to tell Jojo how much he’s risen above his relationship with her (I’m paraphrasing but y’all remember). Like, dude, twist the knife and rub some salt in there why dontcha. I’m all about showing loyalty to his fiancé, but I’m confused what warranted that, unless he’s overcorrecting for floundering so much in the final days of the show. (FACE PALM), who’s the genius running this guy’s PR? On that note, whoever’s running Jojo’s is doing a BANG-UP job. Girlfriend couldn’t have been more gracious or well-spoken.
16. She’s never looked better.
17. Nor has she.
18. He, on the other hand, has definitely looked better. Who’s styling sweet Ben? Mr. Veslack / my 3rd grade music teacher who never left the 70’s?
19. Did y’all see Ricky Schroder in the audience?? #silverspoons in the house!
21. Praise sweet baby Jesus that we don’t have to watch Hello Kitty on
the Disney Afternoon Prime Time every Monday, because I would’ve OD’d on saccharin and Bubble Yum in the first 10 minutes, then boycotted the whole season. If they do a Sweet Valley High edition I will TOTALLY pull for her, but still never watch. Also, Jojo will KILL IT as the Bachelorette. I feel like any dude that was watching last night probably got a running start for the Next Entertainment casting office the second they made the announcement. I mean, c’mon.
22. Silver Lining?! …We’ll get to go another coupla rounds with Tony-in-the-tight-shirt and the Lisping Pastor. Think he’ll be able to nix his lisp before next season?? OHMYGODDIDISAYTHATOUTLOUDORJUSTINMYHEAD?? #whoooops
23. Sweet but unnecessary. Though if I were him and my fiancé’s parents had just watched me tell another girl I was in love with her 10 seconds before I proposed to their daughter and about a week after I’d buzzoinked 3 girls in 3 nights, I’d prob take a knee too.
That’s all I got Campers!!!! Happy Tuesday to you! Until next season… or, until Bachelor in Paradise, which should be a LEGIT train wreck. Can’t wait.