House Beautiful

Bach Finale Recap

1.  First of all, can we please get on an Oscar-esque schedule for the finale so we’re all on the same page?  Cuz every 2.7 minutes I get an “OMG NO HE JUST DIH-N’T” text from my East Coast / Midwest homies, but HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. Though my fave is when I get a high-larious FaceTime call from my homegirl Sheena back in C-bus on Monday nights, who used to be a staple at my Bach night parties. Hey girl heeeeeey!  a) She’s gonna kill me for posting this, and b) If I weren’t me I’d kill me too, cuz look at the pipe cleaner afro puffs she caught me with.


2.  Ben’s parents are sweet as pie Indiana sweet corn.  God love um.  Did you see his mom holding Lauren’s hand??  I die.

Holding Hands

3.  Lauren asking Ben’s mom how she could best help him as a partner might be the best question any contestant has ever asked a parent.

Lauren Question

4.  In other news, congrats to Mrs. Ben who is now obviously repping Kirkland brands and single-handedly bringing back the Bermuda short.  Guarantee there’s a Higgins-themed special going on in aisle 5 right now at Costco thanks to her.


5.  Ben obviously threw a pair in every color of the rainbow in the cart (did you see the Marsala pair??)  Though his Bermudas are from the kids’ section, cuz every episode he’s legit ONE THIN MINT AWAY from his crown jewels busting the seam of those things.

Bermuda Ben

6.  Uh, that’s not what I look like when I get outta the pool.  Just sayin.


7.  “I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but it’ll be worth it.”  Sweet, and gyah is it true.  I could write a whole dissertation on that line & relationships today… but another day cuz right now we’re biz-ay.

8.  I’m so confused every time Ben says that he and Jojo have “made it through some rough times.”  I’m sorry but does her Douche Lord of an ex-boyfriend leaving a voicemail constitute a rough time?

9.  I’ve been pulling for Lauren all along, but man, Jojo was nipping at her heels as my pick this episode… mostly cuz she just seemed so loving and genuine…



…but ALSO because he seemed SO into her.

Goo goo jojo

Though I can’t tell if it was more lust than love and if he was just packin’ a super chub in his Bermudas and dying to doink her one last time.  Also – Jojo’s always been cute but when did she morph into a total smoke show???  Good LAWD girl.  Get it.


10.  PS did you guys see this on Jojo’s Insta?  Hilarious.


11.  Speaking of Instagram, you guys should follow Lauren’s.  It’s a sea of gorgeous, dreamy coastal eye candy and uplifting quotes & shiz.  Jojo’s is aight but it’s more a sea of selfies.


12.  This is not my observation – it’s my homegirl Betsy’s from last night – but oh-so-true: did you notice how Lauren never ONCE used her time to focus on anything else but them / never once asked Ben about Jojo or how he felt about her? Confidence, girl.  Way to keep your eye on the ball – Bravo.

13.  Introducing Miss Texas 1992, wearing the Dreamsicle dress from the Ice Capades Collection for JC Penney.  I mean, not to take anything away from her cuz she’s a stunner, but I thought this aged her and that she could done better.

ice capades

14.  Super sweet.  Love um.

sweet sweeter sweetest

14.5.  Quick segue: I’d like to take this opportunity to make sure our girl Leah just saw that proposal – and to shout through my megaphone to her, and to Mean Girls the world over – cuz it shows to go ya, y’old slampigs: Nice Girls Finish First and CHEATERS.NEVER.WIN.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 11.49.55 AM

Also, did he just call her dad and ask for his blessing??  The sweetest.  Reason #986 why I love him.

call dad

15.  And here’s one reason I wanna slap his wrist: y’all know I think he’s the best bachelor ever / generally love everything he says & does and the way he carries himself, but WAS it necessary to be so haughty and condescending during ATFS, and to tell Jojo how much he’s risen above his relationship with her (I’m paraphrasing but y’all remember).  Like, dude, twist the knife and rub some salt in there why dontcha. I’m all about showing loyalty to his fiancé, but I’m confused what warranted that, unless he’s overcorrecting for floundering so much in the final days of the show.  (FACE PALM), who’s the genius running this guy’s PR?  On that note, whoever’s running Jojo’s is doing a BANG-UP job.  Girlfriend couldn’t have been more gracious or well-spoken.


16. She’s never looked better.

jojo never better

17.  Nor has she.


18.  He, on the other hand, has definitely looked better.  Who’s styling sweet Ben?  Mr. Veslack / my 3rd grade music teacher who never left the 70’s?

ben's outfit

19.  Did y’all see Ricky Schroder in the audience?? #silverspoons in the house!


20.  Amazing.


21.  Praise sweet baby Jesus that we don’t have to watch Hello Kitty on the Disney Afternoon Prime Time every Monday, because I would’ve OD’d on saccharin and Bubble Yum in the first 10 minutes, then boycotted the whole season.  If they do a Sweet Valley High edition I will TOTALLY pull for her, but still never watch.  Also, Jojo will KILL IT as the Bachelorette.  I feel like any dude that was watching last night probably got a running start for the Next Entertainment casting office the second they made the announcement.  I mean, c’mon.


22.  Silver Lining?!  …We’ll get to go another coupla rounds with Tony-in-the-tight-shirt and the Lisping Pastor.  Think he’ll be able to nix his lisp before next season?? OHMYGODDIDISAYTHATOUTLOUDORJUSTINMYHEAD?? #whoooops


23.  Sweet but unnecessary.  Though if I were him and my fiancé’s parents had just watched me tell another girl I was in love with her 10 seconds before I proposed to their daughter and about a week after I’d buzzoinked 3 girls in 3 nights, I’d prob take a knee too.


That’s all I got Campers!!!!  Happy Tuesday to you!  Until next season… or, until Bachelor in Paradise, which should be a LEGIT train wreck.  Can’t wait.


Steph's Scanned Signature


9 Responses to “Bach Finale Recap”

  • Yes. Yes. Everything, yes! Best season ever!! With the exception of saying “I love you” a few too many times to one too many girls, he is the most stand up guy this show has ever seen. Which is exactly why he ended up with the most normal girl the show has ever seen! They are so precious together. When he called her dad I about bawled my eyes out. So, so good! Now, I hope they move to Denver and we never hear from them again…with the exception of a few pics from their (non-televised) wedding and a baby announcement every couple years!

  • I think Ben is only capable of honesty, so yes…Jojo the truth hurts! I also think that family dynamics played a role in Ben’s choice (would you want to be an inlaw to Jojo’s bros!) along with his Dad’s comment,”Lauren is very polished”. I agree, Kudos to Jojo for her grace in the finale and Lauren’s sole focus on their relationship. Lauren has class! As far as Ben goes…he looks adorable! Just goes to show that the MidWest grows’em right! #indyrocks

  • Strong Steph. One of the better seasons for sure. Loved Lauren from the get go but Jojo made a very nice run for it. Have to agree with the above as well…Ben best bachelor ever. He could have kept the I love yous to himself. Maybe he is one of those good guys that thinks he has to say I love you before/after getting in their pants. Idk, but I have friends like that…weird right? Although that still leaves hello kitty out (persuasian may have been weak in fantasy suite though, felt like hello kitty would have been a little more emotional on GTA had things gone down fa real). Jojo definitely went from cute to smoke show. She will definitely be better than caila. Small part of me wanted Amanda but guess she is old news.

  • Spot on. So excited for JoJo being the bachelorette. I could not have watched Disney Princess, even if she is a sweet girl. A part of me was really pulling for JoJo. Beyond the obvious she seems more mature, well spoken, worldly and real. However, at the end it was clear Lauren and Ben are two peas in a pod. They both have the perfect amount of inner dorkiness for each other. As far as ATFR – if the gossip is true and Lauren was having a really hard time with Ben telling JoJo he loved her, I felt like he was trying to not get in trouble again.

  • Also, I comple agree with your thoughts on Ben’s wardrobe. #whereishisstylist

  • I have to say that my stomach ached when the ladies were flying in to Mr. Ben, I was pretty sure it was going to be Lauren, so listening to JoJo wax poetic about Ben and her feelings was heartbreaking! She was absolutely gob smacked. While I was gasping and OMGing, my husband kept looking at me like I was an alien (he is convinced it’s entirely scripted). Best season ever! I really hope we’re not reading about a breakup in 6 months!

  • Jojo really handeled herself well during ATFR! Kudos to Jojo! And Juan Pablo, please don’t sign-up to date Jojo like you teased- Jojo is way to good for you!
    Steph- I will miss your weekly recaps until next season! You are always spot on with fun humor!

  • Another great recap! These are too funny…and totally spot on!! Please keep doing them in the seasons to come!!

  • Best Bach in a blue moon and aces commentary as per usual. Looking forward to your offerings on JoJo as next Bach-ette. And I’ve been trying to work “old slampig” into every day convo. xo

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