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Bachelorette Recap: Hometowns

Published on July 9, 2014 in Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps. 1 Comment

1. In case anyone was curious what’s on the menu at Nick’s house, it’s Cocoa Pebbles (made of stone) for breakfast, Rock Candy for lunch, and Brick & Mortar for dinner.

2. Nick = Le Petit Prince meets Count Dracula.

3. Am I the only one who was twitching at the eerily arranged wall of gold frames chez Nick??

4. Dear Andi:  Why is her mouth wide open?  There are not snowflakes in Iowa!  Is she trying to catch lightning bugs?  I’m so confused.

5. Andi saying “my dad and I LOVE the outdoors – I could totally live (in this cornfield)!” = the largest load of manure topped with a load of malarky I’ve ever heard.  Sprinkled with deveined shrimp poop, and then lit on fire.

6. Chris and his mom have the same hair from the front!  LOVE HER.

7. Iowa and the cornfields make me miss home.

8. “There’s no limits on a farm nowadays!” = the best line of the night, courtesy of Mrs. Chris.

9. If Andi doesn’t pick Chris….  I quit.  Or, I might just hi-5 her for being smart enough to give him up for someone who knows a great thing when they see one.

10. Andi.  Honey.  Wake up.  Josh is a philandering manipulator.  I call Visine on those tears.  Though… his dog is cute.

11. Josh saying “I just decided what was really important” is code for: “I was never drafted.”

12. Did Nick steal a blazer and pocket square out of the back of Bud’s closet from the 1973 salmon collection?

13. All ABC ever needed to do to hook me for another season aka Bachelor in Paradise is blare an 80’s love ballad.  Aka Almost Paradise.  CAN’T WAIT.  Also…  did anyone watch Married at First Sight (my girl Karrie’s show?) last night?  Cuz JAMIE from Ben’s season – and from Bachelor Pad – is ONE OF THE CHICKS WHO GETS MARRIED.  You may remember her as the girl who wore the sparkly Indian headdress thing to one of the post-Bach interview shows.  I didn’t have time to do pics with each comment this week, but this one was absolutely imperative.

14. Note to self: strip teases in my little white cotton underpanties do not a lasting relationship make.

15. The Eric bit at the end was so sad.  I can’t handle it.

xoxo,

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Bachelorette Recap: Venice

Published on June 24, 2014 in Bachelor / Bachelorette Recaps. 0 Comments Tags: , , , , , , .

1.  I meeeeeean…  What do I have to do to win a free trip to eh-Venezia?  …Get an IV of Mountain Dew and smack a loaduh pomade in my hair and coif my front 7 hairs into a little rip curl?  Meld my two front teeth together??  Fer $*#()$*(#)’s sake.  Adiamo!

2.  Speaking of teeth.  I’ll be the first one to admit she’s a beautiful girl… and also that she has the itsy bitsiest Chicklet teeth.

3.  I would bet my left areola that Cody is 5’4″ in real life – and prob also 5’4″ in diameter.  And while I DO love to rip on Rip Curl and while his hairdo doesn’t really blow up my shorts…  nor does the affinity for tanning beds or red Chuck Taylors, I do *totally* appreciate the kid’s enthusiasm and think he has a really good heart.  And it broke mine a little to watch her give him da boot.  What a great attitude he has though – ya gotta give him props for that.  If I’m ever at Malibu Sun or the Bally Total Fitness in Chicago, I’ll totally give him a big bear hug.

4.  I positively cannot take the Suave commercials.  It’s like watching a bad audition.  Or listening to nails on a chalkboard.  Or watching yourself on camera.  If I scream “mercy!!!” will ABC make it stop?

5.  Nick is like a curly-headed toddler who just nomnomnom’d on a mouth fulla rocks.  I don’t quite see the allure.  Also..  something’s off.  I feel like something’s REAL shady… like maybe he’s hiding something – like a coupla dead people chopped up in the basement.  PS: “In his tux he looks like a Prince,” she says???  Does she mean Le Petit Prince? Dessin-moi un mouton!

6.  Raise your hand if you are still under the guise that Josh isn’t a total player…  wait, hang on… is it still raised??  Now go ahead and smack yourself with it.

7.  OMG…  The lie detector test is the best *$#()*$#() I’ve ever seen.  I especially enjoyed watching Josh sweat bullets and get his little white cotton under panties in a wad.  “If you have trust in somebody, why you gotta make ’em take a lie detector test?” = GUILTY.

8.  WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAT??!!  …I HAVE NO WORDS.  Honey, getcher Scotch tape out and go fish that outta the trash can NOW!!

9.  Loooooooooooook who’s sittin’ pretty after she tore up the lie detector test results.  Mmmmmmhmm.  She IS a smart girl.  Her intuition is spot-on.  And I feel like I’m gonna verp whenever he comes onscreen.

10.  Timeout.  a) Bill Nye is still here?  b) Did I just hear him toot his horn and say he was good in the sack?  c) I’ll give one million dollars to anyone who can tell me what a Pantsapreneur is.  d) If he’s a Pantsapreneur, then why is he 6’7″ and wear a pair of capri pants with a 14″ inseam to the rose ceremony??  …just sayin’.  It’s a solid question.

11.  God bless America.  Of COURSE he’s the Secret Admirer.  AND in dimples & a matching DILF sweater to boot…  yumyumnumnum.  PS, I know someone who has that exact sweater.  PPS, if Chris doesn’t win, I give up.

12.  Who wore it better??

13.  Girl can rock some GREAT side boob.  I give her mad props for her wardrobe this year.

14.  Marcus is going to MELT – somebody get the poor kid a towel.  If his face is that sweaty, I don’t even wanna know what’s going on in his grundle.

15.  What was Steamy McDreamboat AKA Dylan wigging out about after his lie detector test??

16.  WHAT in the name of Sam Hill is that hat.  I can’t take it.

That’s all I got!  What did I miss, Campers??

xoxo,

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