Good MMMMMORNING Campers! Is it a Tuesday in January OR IS IT CHRISTMAS MORNING ALL OVER AGAIN???! Because everyone’s favorite dose of good times just premiered last night, which means we hens clucking the world over have about 8 weeks worth Monday night wine & cheese parties ahead. Giddy up – cuz it’s about to rain Ben. Otherwise known as Peter Brady reincarnated.
For those of you who are new to this ridiculous section of our otherwise wholesome, candid, grass-is-greener-where-you-water-it lifestyle blog… HOLA, friends! CLICK HERE for some archives from Kaitlyn’s, Farmer Chris’ and Andi’s seasons if you wanna take a warm-up lap. For you old seasoned vets… what up!! Missed ya. And buckle up. Cuz this precious little gem (Ben) whom I should be tossed in an orange jumpsuit for even watching on television is LITERALLY from my and Karrie’s Indiana backyard, so this season hits close to home. AAAAND also because my hilarious girlfriends put a figurative gun to my head over the summer until truth be told, I sent in a casting video in the spirit of (this):
… and in the spirit of never wanting to have regrets. Alas, my story not being “tragic enough” + our Harold & Maude-esque age gap ended up being the death of me and my little hometown hero before we even began. Perhaps if I had elaborated on the tragic/terrifying Lifetime Movie / sequel to Monster-in-Law that my last relationship became, then I would’ve given them a more accurate representation. But (that) wasn’t what it was about, so I skimmed over it. C’est la vie and WHATEVUH – let’s get this party started.
BACHELOR BEN: EPISODE 1 | 1.4.15
1. First and foremost… could everyone please stand, put your hand over your heart, and face the computer cuz we’re about to play the (National Anthem) of Indiana. In honor of our mighty blue collar state – chock fulla cornfields, mullets and salt-of-the-earth folks everywhere, let’s tee it up with some Mellencamp and salute the heartland.
2. Second… I’ll slow my Indiana role in a sec, but we are literally cut from the same cloth – complete with matching backyards cornfields, matching lakes we grew up going to in the summers (can you say Tippy Dance Hall?), and PS we totally played the Warsaw Tigers in High School. Go Owls!
3. Alright, here we go… Chicks everywhere just logged this screen shot of Bachelor studs into their spank banks for all of eternity.
4. Aw, Chris Harrison. I knew I always liked you, boo.
5. I’m not sure if Lace looks more like Jami Gertz or Sarah Silverman on the outside… but after last night I think we can all concur that she may actually be El Diablo on the inside. We’ll come back to her later.
6. I have a few remarks about Mandi…
a) Freaking HIGH-LARIOUS. I cackled for at least 5 minutes. It’s genius.
b) Did anyone look away from the giant contraption on her head long enough to see her bod in that dress? DANG GIRL. #workoutgoals.
c) She MIGHT actually be related to my homedawg Hermey the Dentist.
d) Or Heather Graham.. with just the TINIEST drag queen twist? I can’t put my finger on it. Pretty sure comments like these are about to put me on the first bus to hell. #whoops
7. Her name across the screen is about the only thing standing between us and an areola. Somebody get GI Jane some Hollywood Tape, stat. Slash, dang. Thanks girl for helping us out & being a rock star & defending our country and all.
8. Timeout. Have you noticed that this is like an episode of Sweet Valley High / Bachelor Kids Edition?? Like, Becca Tilley might be the oldest person on the show and I’m pretty sure she was 12 last season.
On that note – how about next season, they do us girls a solid who are not just looking to be famous for being famous legit ready to meet somebody and do up a Golden Girls Edition for the people over the age of 25. Otherwise I’m pretty sure this is gonna be me:
9. Scenes from backstage… am I right or am I right? Because no female I’ve ever encountered over the age of 2 has a voice that high pitched. Unless she was a dolphin.
10. I can’t even.
11. Samantha is ADORABLE. Even her voice is adorable.
12. I love Ben, and if he had a mullet I would still totally date him be the proudest aunt ever, but seriously. Who advised this haircut. Can we recycle some Ashley S. aka Courtney Thorne Smith on set to regulate?
13. Honey honey hold up go back – you forgot your upper lip in the limo.
14. She started by saying: “Last weekend I was at a wedding…” and here – imma go finish her sentence for her: “…I loved my up do SO. MUCH. that I actually haven’t taken it out since then.”
15. The Vegas Twins. Representing the Star Search Collection from 1992. Coming to a JC Penney near you this Spring. Also… can you say #producerpick?
16. I spy a tween Misty May!! Think she’ll pepper with me?
17. And omg Rachel’s mom was SO awesome in True Lies. PS you gotta love that she came right out and let them put “Unemployed” under her name. Own it sister. “Unemployed” trumps “Chicken Lover” any day.
18. She’s a SMOKE SHOW. And probably Cameron Diaz’s long-lost niece. And HANDS-DOWN this season’s Brit (clutch call, Yesse!).. Meaning she’s gonna hypnotize him for a few weeks with her sparkly eyes & beauty & her one dimple (eye roll) and tell him EVERYTHING that he wants to hear, and then he’s gonna wise up like the good Midwest boy we know he is and pick a sweet wholesome girl from the litter.
19. See? Good Midwest boy callin’ his Mom & Pops. God love ‘um.
20. Oh honey no. This is Brit-from-Chris’-season behavior / the “whatever you liiiiike” chick from Coming to America behavior / Julia Roberts in Runaway Bride before she figures out what kind of eggs she likes behavior. Slash I can see her petunia.
21. When he said, “They’re all out of my league and I hope they don’t figure it out,” I think I put my hand over my heart and felt the way I’m sure parents feel when they look at their sweet, innocent children and think, “I hope they stay this age forever.” Meaning, I’m going to say a couple of extra prayers this season that he doesn’t get to Hollywood and let it all go to his head and get too big for his britches. Cuz they don’t make boys like him very often. Or ever.
22. I get that “stealing” is a part of life on the Bachelor(ette), but girls, why must we ALWAYS roll over and die!?? Why does no one ever say, “oh my gosh HI!! I LOVE your dress you look amazing – okay, so, we were just finishing up so give me 3 more minutes and then you can totally move in. Thanks girl! PS: Let’s totally braid each others’ hair later” or whatever. It’s not that hard.
23. Lace is hands-down certifiable. First of all… were y’all “about to kiss” OR was he in the process of shutting you down when your fairy godmother from the Rose Bowl parade (Mandi) swept in and saved you from what could’ve been an even more embarrassing situation.
Second, did she seriously pull him aside after to scold him for not having laser-like focus on her during the rose ceremony? Um, hi-5 to my boy for “getting it” and calling her out to the cameras. It’s been 2 hours and he already knows she cray.
Third, her two front teeth are gonna be the end of me this season. She’s lucky she got a rose this week cuz next week imma send him a bouquet of carrots to hand her. And she’s even luckier I didn’t come on the show this season, cuz I would’ve eaten that poor girl alive in real life. #ridingthebustohell
24. Becca’s gorgeous, but I give recycling the ventriloquist a resounding: “MEH.”
25. For all of the single gals out there, I have to repeat some of the wisest words I’ve EVER heard come out of one of my girlfriends’ mouths… it was last week while (some other floozies around us) were b*tching about guys and talking about how we need to do this and do that and act like this because “that’s what guys want” (I’ll pause for you to vurp in your mouth like I did)… And I meeeeean, dating in 2015 *might* be like a scene from the Hunger Games, but at the end of the day, I kinda think it boils down to what my wise soul of a friend Natalie said:
“Ye know what though?? You gotta BE a deal to get a deal.”
((((( boom ))))).
Meaning, do your thing / worry boutcherself / be a good person and be yourself – instead of who you think (some guy) wants you to be, and I’m pretty sure you’ll be fine. (PS: this post is all about not apologizing for being who you are, and it’s prob one of the more important things we’ve posted recently). Anyway! That’s all I got for this week. What did I miss!? As always, I will say that (while I’m literally saying what everyone else is thinking), these posts are totally all in good fun, and these (mostly) sweet girls are easy targets, and here are 2 fun facts to level the playing field:
1) I pooped my pants last year. No joke. I call it a gamble + a loss.
2) This is what my hair looks like in the morning.
See there? We’re all human.
xoxo!
