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Bachelorette Recap: The Shawn Monologues + Cupcake on a Cliff + Karrie chimes in!


Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey.  Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:

bach pregame

That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8.  And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work.  Moving along:

1.  Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse.  And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister.  Both uncanny – bravo, girls!  #ittakesavillage

ben h peter brady shawn alf

2.  Boop!  A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?


Even Bart is confused.

bart doesn't get it either

3.  I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.

thumb war

4.  So but for real:  What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!?  Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner?  ………….it won.

JJ Teeth

5.  This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials.  Exhausting.  Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.


Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.


6.  Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow??  Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue.  What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident??  I don’t even wanna think about it.

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7.  So listen.  I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.24.16 AM

8.  Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.


First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud.  The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.


Then there’s Ben H.  He’s damn precious.

ben h

9.  On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.35.44 AM

She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA.  Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text:  “OOPSIE!  I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after!  Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING).  Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor.  I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.

IMG_2836 IMG_2837 IMG_2838

10.  Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring.  Her jewelry game is on point this season.


And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game.  Stunner.

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.44.16 AM

11.  I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.”  Sing it sister.

12.  Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives?  Jiminy Christmas.

days of our lives

13.  Is that Visine or are those real tears?

visine or tears

14.  This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.

I demand a recount.  Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus??  Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about??  Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.

Screen Shot 2015-06-30 at 8.51.54 AM

15.  I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard.  I know they’re in there somewhere.


16.  I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night.  It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller.  I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod


17.  Dear Ben H:  Wanna spoon?  Love, Me.


18.  Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.

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cupcake sad 3

Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.”  Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l

karrie steph

((Drops mic))  See you next week!


Steph's Scanned Signature

with a special guest appearance by Karrie


Bachelorette Recap: Week 2

Let’s discuss week 2, shall we?

1.  Timeouttimeouttimeout.  Lemme get this straight.  Tasos is a “Wedding Event Coordinator”?  OMG – do you think he knows Franck (pronounced: FRONCK) from Father of the Bride???

2.  Ew.  Josh M. the NBA player aka has wooden-glued-together-George-Washington-teeth is a PLAY-AH.

3.  She’s wearing a doily bikini??  That’s the only thing that could possibly top last season’s one piece.

4.  “Are you ready to shred this gnarly mountain?” might be the best thing I’ve ever heard her say.

5.   Andrew looks like Tom Hanks.

6.  If you ever, EVER made me traipse out in front of America and do a little jig with no pants on, sans a shot or twelve, I’d sh*t twice and die.

7.  Does Chris aka farmer Ted buy the mill outta that pinky-purple cotton fabric, then have his Maw sew him 1000 shirts out of it??  …that said, he can wear them ANY TIME he wants.

8.  The only thing better than a dude wearing pink with confidence is a dude wearing purply-pink with (humble) confidence.

9.  Chris aka Farmer Ted has just stolen Dylan aka Gaston’s thunder as the panty-dropper of the group.  TIMES 10.  He is PUH-RECIOUS.  Everyone else can go home.  #thebestboysaremidwestboys

10.  Slash, ANDI!  Be a love and hand him a hanky to blot his forehead.  The poor kid is sweating bullets.

11.  Is it just me?  I don’t think my skirt would fly over my head if I heard a dude singing opera to me.  If I had a weenis – and I don’t! – but I’m pretty sure if I did, it would have shrunk when I heard this dude belting it out.

12.  I don’t even know what to say about this.

13.  Dear Craig: You goof.  Most hilarious and (nearly) redeeming move, ever.  But so endearing:  “I bared my juuuuuuu-uhhhnnk to 13 other guys, but I hope and pray it’s alright… Ohhhh Andi!”  Bless his heart.

14.  Sweet Lord.  Tell me I’m not the only one who saw Chris Harrison slap Dylan’s – ahem – fanny.  Again.  He might be the most entertaining part of the show.

15.  Craig’s tone-deaf improv totally trumps the opera jam.

16.  Every time I see Marquel, I want a cookie.  Is that like a Pavlov’s dog thing?

17.  How sweet was the old couple at the race track??  Best love advice, ever.

18.  Really.  Are we almost in tears and going to ruin the whole evening huffing about one idiot child who took twelve too many shots?  Gurl, settle down.  Sh*t happens.  Let homeboy entertain himself in the pool.  When she got all voice-cracky and gave the other guys an almost-lecture and questioned their intentions, I rolled my eyes in super slow-mo.

19.  I can say things like that because I look SUPER awesome, all the time.

20.  Floral on Plaid?!?!  FLORAL ON PLAID, Marquel?!  His shirt matches the ikat pillows.  He tie matches my Grammy’s house dress from 1957….  the kid’s got balls.  I didn’t hate it.

21.  I’m sorry but who looks at Brett aka One Big Rattail’s ‘do and says, “Huh.  I think I want THAT guy to cut my hair.  He sure looks like he knows what he’s doing.”

22.  Seriously………  You know it’s true.

23.  All I keep thinking about is how rough it must be for Eric’s family and friends watching, like he’s still here.  And when he named off all 10+ of his nieces and nephews, all I kept thinking was how they must be like, “whewe’s Uncle Ewic?”  Sniff.