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Bachelor Recap, Week 3: Peter Brady is a Lover.

1.  Since the Bachelor airs 3 hours earlier on the east coast than here, every Monday around 6pm my time my phone explodes with “EHMAHGAH no she just DIH-N’T!” and the like.  Last night I got not one, not two, but **three** Olivia-themed texts in a span of literally 30 seconds.  This, my friends, was my favorite of the three.  Cuz it’s the most spot-on doppelgänger I’ve ever seen.

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2.  “Lace is reaching the end of her dynamite stick” = Hello Kitty drops mic.  Can’t judge a cartoon by its color people.  Even Sanrio’s got sass.


3.  “There is a mean girl in there” (Minnie Mouse & Lauren B talking about Olivia) = the tribe of sweet girls in the house has spoken. Spot on peeps!  Pass the cream & sugar.


4.  What is it about Lauren B?  She’s not the most drop dead gorgeous in the room, but… Ooh, I know. She’s a totally well-adjusted, kind, caring, beautiful in her own way and totally normal girl.  With good values.  She is PRECIOUS.  Slash girl – you can come home to my home state any time. #laurenforprez


5.  I DIE.


6.  That’s a great disheveled updo.  This chick can do no wrong.  PS he LUUUUUUVS her.


7. “What does life look like for you?” = a question ALL DUDES should weave into their repertoire. And guys – y’all know this right?? You’re amazing at answering questions about yourselves but y’all NEVER really ask them… ‘spesh not the important ones like our golden boy Ben just did. Consider this the best advice you’ve ever gotten and get on your game.


8.  Slash did Ben just say, “l forgot the depth at which that kind of love exists.”?? Good LAWWWD, who IS he??  Besides a legit endangered species.

9.  “I have zero ball handling skills” = Oh… honeybun.  We don’t say things like that out loud.

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10. These situations remind me of those rare Saturday nights after a few pops when I come home and have an impromptu crying fest for no reason…


…and then wake up the next day and realize this:


11. Introducing Santa’s favorite Elf.


12. Listen. I’ll give props to ANY Bachelorette who rolls up her sleeves and takes a dive in the dirt. But is she still the keeper of the year wheeeeeennn the ball comes towards the goal in super slow mo?


13. STUNNER.  Look at her skin.  Dang girl.  I hope the exit limo took her straight to Neutrogena to sign on as their new spokesperson.


14. Hey.  Less shopping at Bebe / less complaining / more just-sack-up-and-go talk to him. You’re too old to be acting this silly.


Update… oh my.  She just took that advice to the bank didn’t she?  Went right on in for it.  And not smoothly but hey.  It got her a rose, I guess.

15. This exchange = the most hilarious and also disconcerting (maybe ever) on this show: “Wait… was it my ankles?? …Wait, my toes?” // “Girl… Your toes like aren’t cute.”


16. The fact that he doesn’t have painted-on abs / didn’t train with Cody before the season / has a high school senior’s version of Dad-Bod makes me love him a little bit more… maybe cuz there’s a lack of vanity there but probably cuz he’s been too busy like, bandaging refugees in whatever 3rd world country he’s always volunteering in.


In other news: how many squats and dead-lifts do I have to do to make my rear-end sit up as high as Jubilee’s does???  Dayyyyyyyyyyuuuuuummmm.

17. PS, I really like Jubilee, but I can’t take girls seriously when they say things like: “I’m the most complicated person here.”  Gurl.  C’mon.

18. Dear Olivia. Let’s disregard everything about anyone besides you – including the fact that Ben just lost some people who are obviously dear to him – so that we can focus (more) on you, and talk about your trivial insecurities e.g. your corns and cankles. You a-hole. Does she have a soul?  ..Pretty sure the answer is no, and pretty sure he already knows it.


19.  I’ll tell ya who does have a soul: Minnie Mouse.  Cuz the first thing she did was ask him how he was and try to comfort him.

20.  #nomnomnom – reason #957 why we love Lauren B.  Because no one has ever take a bigger bite of Caesar salad. Ever.  PS: look at Jubes back there… this was that scene when the girls were being REAL b*tchy – e.g. JoJo.  And here I thought JoJo and I were friends / I was pulling for her last week.  Jury’s out.


21. This is the best decision Lace has ever made on the show.  Bless her heart.


22. Does Olivia know his first name is Ben? AKA not benhiggins like it’s one word? Slash somebody get that girl a Neutrogena oil pad stat.

23. This whole situation was NOT COOL.  And so silly.  And def not smart on Amber’s part.



That’s all I got!  Except… Jason Mesnick’s socks in the little After-the-Bach special, which I was about to turn off but had to pause and look closer, JUST to make sure I understood what I was seeing.  Such a goofball.



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Bachelor Recap: Olivia is Going to Swallow Everyone.

Hey Girls & Boys!  Sorry for the delay.  My golden retriever aka the coolest dog in the world had minor surgery yesterday – which he came out of a little stitched up but just fine… I, on the other hand, seriously needed to be medicated.  How do people with kids even watch them get shots??  PS did y’all know Gus has his own insta??  #gusgusforpresident


Onto Monday night’s train wreck…

1.  I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again: Dude close your mouth. And somebody check that girl’s molars – cuz I guarantee there are 17 mosquitoes and 75 lightning bugs trapped back there.

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Also, makeup is a miraculous thing.  I almost didn’t recognize her.

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2. “Ben is the GREATEST bachelor on the PLANET of HISTORY…” Um, say what now?  Did they not offer English 101 at Caesar’s Palace University?  But yo.  I don’t disagree with her.  AND (gulp), I can’t remember which one but I remember thinking last night that one of the twins was actually really sweet.

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3.  Chris Harrison dressed as the nerdy principal??  HAAAAAAAAAAA.  I cackled.  REAL loud.

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4.  “I will not murder Lace but she may very tactfully disappear” = BAHAHHAHAHA. My $’s on GI Jubilee.  And she takes the cake so far for the ballsy one-liners and calling everything like she sees it.

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5.  Didn’t these girls get a geography lesson when Tom Hanks pulled down the map for Jonah in Sleepless in Seattle? Oh wait. That movie came out before these chicks were born.  But seriously.  Weren’t they just in social studies class like 10 minutes ago??  Get it together kids.

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6.  When Chris said, “let’s settle it on the track,” I literally almost hopped off my barstool and suited up right there.

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This was me when I was their age.  Step aside, floozies.

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7.  Is Heather Graham part Kenyan??  Good LAWWWWD.  And why is Amber jogging?

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8.  This poor girl is her own worst enemy.  I’ve never witnessed anyone dig their own grave as fast as Lace did this week.. She’d have better luck if she just sat back, batted her eyes and never (EVER) opened her mouth.  I don’t know if I’ve ever felt embarrassed for a villain on this show before, but I legit feel bad for the girl.  She can’t even help herself.

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9.  I don’t see her making it much further, but at least she has a promising future as a Neutrogena model.  Dang girl.

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10. So listen.  I’m not crazy about this whole situation called Becca being back this season, but I DO have major hair envy.  And I also give her props for the move of pulling him aside to shoot hoops barefoot.  Well played.

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11.  Ben + Jo Jo 4-eva. Love it and love her.  I’m putting BIG MONEY on her.

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PS were Jo Jo & Isla Fisher actually separated at birth?

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12. Hands-down the best part of the show:  (Question: What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?)… Kevin Hart: “I cook some fried chicken one time in the crock pot. And thas coo.”

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13.  She’s sweet as pie but I can’t take her seriously as a contender for Ben.  Like, I wanna invite her to my slumber parties and have her braid my hair and give her a pair of Hello Kitty pajamas for Christmas and maybe a Best Friends necklace, but for some reason I can’t see them together.

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15. I’d rather sh*t twice and die than have anyone smell me right after I get off the treadmill.. the end.

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They didn’t need to announce who had the lowest score.  That was unnecessarily cruel and salt in the wound after the “sour” comment.

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16.  Girlfriend’s profession is “twin”? Are we serious about life right now??


17.  Are Lace and Lucifer in LL BEAN related?  No for real.

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18.  How SWEET was he to Squeaky??  Who btw is totally growing on me – she’s a good girl.

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But for real… he is SUPER sweet and so endearing.  I’m *legitimately* convinced he’s in love with each of them whenever he’s talking to them because he makes each of them feel like the most important person in the world and the only person who’s there.  Which means they’re all in trouble.  I have no idea how he remembers all their names, let alone remembers things about them and asks questions and conveys genuine interest in each of them.  Best Bachelor, Ever.

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19.  Dear LB: I’ll take your spot.  Cuz girl you so crazy.

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20.  Lauren is super sweet.  They let some looney tunes on this year – e.g. the Chicken Lady, the Donkey Lady, LACE, etc – which I guess they have to for ratings’ sake, but there are some good eggs here too.  Did you hear what she said?? “Even if I had to go home tonight I’d be bummed, but at least I know I learned a lot about myself and made some really good friends.”  I love her.

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21.  Dear Amber: You’re 30 and this is your 4th Bachelor series run.  You’re the Blanche Devereux of this season and the Chris Bukowski (ew) of Bachelor world.  So I love you, but stop complaining like a little Sally and go talk to him.  All the kids are doin’ it – no reason why you can’t.


22.  I mean… it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.

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23.  Ew.


(Cue the Cyndi Lauper): “I see your truuuuuuuuuuuue cahhhlllahhhrrrs shiiiiining through!” #eldiablo

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All I got!  Have a great rest of the week!


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