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Bach Recap Week 5: The Nick Redemption + Cookie Monster’s Rant

Last night, my hizzizzy was fulla smelly candles + Sangria popsicles (thanks Amanda!) + buffalo chicken dip (love you Becky!) + a big gaggle of gals.  And Prince Gus.  Otherwise known as loads-of-fun-on-a-Monday.

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If you didn’t have a chance to tune in, here’s what you missed:

1.  Hell hath no fury like a scorned group of dudes… or, like Bart’s hair today.  Even his weave is fired up.  Kid ‘n Play’s is lookin pretty aggressive, too.

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2.  Tanner isn’t Bob Costas.  He’s actually Barbara Walters in blue, playing hardball. Somebody get this guy a gig in investigative journalism, stat.


3.  This is the most entertaining firing squad I’ve ever seen.  It’s like 900 big brothers putting the dude trying to date their sister in the hot seat and just lettin’ him have it. You also gotta appreciate that these guys – instead of running around whispering and making stink eyes at each other (*cough* which is maaaybe what chicks would do) – just sat down and hashed it out.  Sometimes boys get it right.


4.  Timeout: Did White Fang just swim underwater for 3 days with his eyes open?  Somebody get this poor kid some Visine.


5.  I love Ben Z but I gotta know what brand of mascara he wears.  Cuz it’s way better than mine.  Or maybe his eyes are just naturally that sparkly.


6.  I didn’t actually know until last night that they make capri suit pants for men.  Also… those pink socks+ loafers.  I can’t deal.


7.  I call this JJ’s “I’ve never SEEN an outdoor opera house THIS big!” face.


8.  She so pretty.


9.  Can’t the Bachelorette + Shark Tank pair up and invent a miracle sweat towel for the dudes on this show?  Like a Sham-Wow for your face?  PS I love that when he tried to tell her she had the wool pulled over her eyes she was all, “well, maybe you don’t trust him, but don’t you trust my judgment?”  Boom girlfriend.  PPS: somebody get that poor guy a Xanax + a cocktail, stat.  Cuz he’s boutah have a couple kinds of meltdowns.


10. Chris Harrison is like a cute little groundhog swaddled in black wool who just crawled out from under 2nd base to do his one-liner for the night.


11.  Dude somebody get poor Cupcake a muffin to wrap himself in.  The poor kid’s lips are blue.

12.  But I mean for real.  Single-handedly keeping Dep in business.  One $2.13 bottle at a time.  You know I love Bart (!)  I’m not knocking the kid – I’m actually mesmerized.


13.  He’s the cutest.  Like, ever.


14.  Raise your hand if you don’t wanna just go hang out and eat biscuits & gravy with GG.  Cuz I do.  She reminds me my super-southern GG (Vic!) and the cute little house dresses like that she used to wear while she made tomato sandwiches & quilts & stuff.


15.  He had an ex who broke up with him because she “lost the chase”??!!!&$#^#^&#??  WHAT’S TO CHASE when you’re with this gem?  Girlfriend is straight cray.  I also love him for being honest enough to say that life was centered around his last relationship.  That’s a humbling thing to admit, but it’s been known to happen to the best of us.  Anyhoo – her loss / our gain.


16.  I played college sports too, Princeton.  And in the athletic world, this is what we refer to as “choking in crunch time.” #painful


17.  Conversely, this is what we call “rising to the occasion.”  By far the most entertaining thing that happened all night and (gulp) the best thing I’ve seen Nick do… “Ay ay ay ay – ay ay I love you!” …BAAAHAHAHAH.

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I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but Bed Head just grew on me.  Now.  If anyone needs me imma be sitting in the corner in timeout à la Ralphie for the next 6 days.


18.  That’s a great plaid shirt, Sugar.


19.  Calvin Harris should prob split his Xanax with this poor soul.  Dude needs to stop talking about Nick like, yesterday and keep his eye on the ball… though I can’t help but feel bad for him after the double whammy called THAT haircut + getting lobbed under the bus and left out in the cold by the other dudes.


20.  I’m sorry.  He’s so sweet.  But he’s SOOOOOOO SERRRRRIOUS all the time. Goodness gracious.  This guy needs a whoopee cushion or some giggle juice or some jolt or somethin’.


21.  “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.“??? | “I’m a Princeton Grad and a former model.“??? | “My ex was way hotter“???  Is this guy for real?  Modeled for what – Sesame Street?

cookie monster

Ian = the narcissistic sleeper of the season.  WHAAAAAT A PRICK.  He pooped his pants in the mariachi thing and isn’t hacking it on the show or getting enough attention so he decided to pound his chest and be a jerk?  Great game plan.  Also – who do poop and movie quotes not work for, besides everyone (except this guy)?  Auf Wiedersehen, Cookie Monster.

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22.  Sidenote: I’m confused about why – if somebody had the clippers out – these two unfortunate situations weren’t remedied.

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All I got!


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Bachelorette: Week 3 Recap

1.  If I’m that bike, I’m having a REAL bad day today.

sumo on bike

Also… this was on the menu last night at my house.  So I’m not far behind.

pigs in blnakets

2.  Holy sweet baby Jesus.  The best part of waking up every day would be rolling over and seeing THAT.  jfkdl;sajfkdjslkfjdksljfkljklfdsa

ben in am

3.  “I really love Japanese culture… I love sushi, I love….” (aaaand yep, that’s all he’s got folks).  Dude, get this guy outta here.

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4.  Look at this little sugarplum!  Gettin’ in love wherever he can.

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5.  Haaaaaaa I love her.  And I wouldah done the same thing.

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6.  Poor Bart.  Bless his heart left nut.

bart's left nut

7.  Watching JJ get tossed out of the ring feels like opening presents Christmas morning.  Or swimming with mermaids.  Or dunking a heavily buttered baguette in my coffee.  Or, how I would feel if Gus had like, 10 puppies.  Utter bliss.

jj getting tossed

8.  Behold, ladies & gentlemen: proof that man babies DO still exist, even at the age of 35.  Acting like a fussy kid in diapers while actually IN a diaper is just the icing on the cake.  FIRST he’s all beating his chest and slicking back his hair, à la, “These dudes don’t know who they’re f*cking with.” And then 2.2 seconds after he gets manhandled like a little girl, he’s traipsing off set like somebody just took away his Tonka Twucks and pouting about how he’s not a fighter and doesn’t do violence?? Bahahaa.  I call the p-word.  And I don’t mean pouty.

tony pre fight

tony diaper

9.  I mean, choosing a favorite Tony line of the night is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.  Where do I begin??

I have the heart of a WARRIOR and the spirit of a gypsy.”

Why can’t we go to the zoo?”

I just wanna go back to my bonsai trees.”  (Hold please… I just dropped the mic.)

I’m not a quitter… I’m walking away on my terms.”  …you’re totally right, you sweet little nut bucket.  It’s not a half dozen, it’s 6.  It’s not a baby deer (eyeroll), it’s a fawn.  When I was born, I weighed 9 pounds and 16 ounces.  Pretty sure “walking away” is synonymous with “quitting.”  Namaste.

tony namaste

10.  TELL ME this wouldn’t be the most amazing couple in Bachelor History. #mfeo

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11.  Cupcake needs to help his boy JJ out with some Crest Whitestrips, cuz dem toofs are about 20x tanner than his chest.


He also needs a sumo-sized dose of Proactiv for his back.  And a good swift kick in the nuts.  AND some humility.  I could go on, but I gotta go to work today at some point.


12.  Kaitlyn (playfully) calling out “If someone HANDED me a snake I would totally take it, but when it’s wrapped around a toilet, that’s a totally different story” = huhlarious, and so true.  Sweet, sweet Ben.  He’s a big, meaty stud with goo on the inside.



13.  Shifting gears: Ben talking about his mom slays me.


14.  Am I the only person in America who doens’t buy the Clint + JJ hoax?  I don’t think they’re in love with each other; I think they’re both just in love with themselves.

clint jj

15.  I actually cannot believe Bart let his buddy Ryan walk out of the house like this. Loan a brotha a dollop of Dep, wouldja?

ryan's hair

16.  These kids are effing hilarious.  Child Oscars for everyone.  Maybe the best stunt in Bachelor history.


17.  I love that they can show Juan Pablo and Claire doin’ the nasty in the ocean, everybody mounting everybody else in the hot tub, but Idaho doing the same tampon torpedo demo that’s on the back of the Tampax box isn’t suitable for television.



18.  Ben H has spoken.  And by “spoken” I mean turned reproduction into a Nora Ephron-esque love story.  Everyone else: take a moment, and say your goodbyes.

ben h for president

19.  I don’t wanna be mean cuz he IS such a sweet guy, but how come when I look at White Fang aka the Manager at Denny’s, I have visions of the time Donnie Wahlberg lost 50-some pounds to play the schizophrenic guy in The Sixth Sense.  Or when Christian Bale didn’t eat for a year to play the crack addict from The Fighter? Just sayin’.  I kinda wanna feed him some Papa John’s and then let him grab a shower and a shave.

white fang

20.  I mean.  I can’t even believe I missed this doppelgänger before.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be in a self-inflicted timeout.

ian cookie monster

What did I miss?  I’m sure tons.  Because last night’s episode was HILARIOUS and brimming with more nonsense than I could possibly recap in one day.


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