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Bachelorette Recap: The Shawn Monologues + Cupcake on a Cliff + Karrie chimes in!


Hey Monday night heeeeeeeeeey.  Before we get started recapping, here’s how we get started on Bach Night, chez moi:

bach pregame

That bottle of sauv blanc is pretty good for $8.  And if I’m being humble, my 90’s Skating Rink playlist is a damn treat / my go-to jam sesh every day at work.  Moving along:

1.  Overdue doppelgänger credits: I couldn’t remember last week who gave me the knee-slapping gift of Alf, but it was my girl Yesse.  And Peter Brady was courtesy of my girl Becky’s sister.  Both uncanny – bravo, girls!  #ittakesavillage

ben h peter brady shawn alf

2.  Boop!  A) How is he still here and B) why did he think it was OK to wear two-toned blue suede UGGs?


Even Bart is confused.

bart doesn't get it either

3.  I feel like they might be smiling at the cameras but having an epic thumb war right now behind her to decide who gets to stay.

thumb war

4.  So but for real:  What do we think happened to JJ’s right tooth!?  Was it in a close overtime thriller with the left one to see who could be the front runner?  ………….it won.

JJ Teeth

5.  This is how Gus felt about Shawn B by 9:09pm, which was 7 minutes into the show, minus commercials.  Exhausting.  Had to put the poor little guy down for a nap.


Pretty sure Kaitlyn felt the same way.


6.  Can u imagine everyday life with Sham-wow??  Boyfriend’s got some great qualities for sure and ya gotta appreciate a guy with passion – but LAWD – every week at the grocery, the battle of skim milk vs. 1% could possibly require a 4-hour, tearful dialogue.  What if Kaitlyn ever smiled at the mailman by accident??  I don’t even wanna think about it.

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7.  So listen.  I’m not a medical professional, but if I were – and if I were Shawn’s doctor – this is probably what I would prescribe for him to recover from this season:

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8.  Choosing a favorite Ben is like trying to choose a favorite star in the sky.


First of all, look at this gentle giant of a hunky stud.  The dimple, the twinkle in his eyes… I can’t take it.


Then there’s Ben H.  He’s damn precious.

ben h

9.  On that note… Fun fact – this is my Mom… we’ll call her Jaynie Cake:

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She’s a sweet, unassuming lady from Indiana who may pretend to work at a desk by day but who is – I’m certain – actually moonlighting at the CIA.  Remember the time a few months back when I woke up to this text:  “OOPSIE!  I accidentally cyberstalked (insert guy you’re seeing) on Linked In and he must’ve seen me because he viewed my profile after!  Sahhree.” (MORTIFYING).  Lately, she saves her best detective work for the Bachelor.  I’m buying her a trench coat + a magnifying glass for Christmas – the woman is out of control.

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10.  Wait wait honey stop crying for a second and tell Stephie where you got your ring.  Her jewelry game is on point this season.


And good HEAVENS so is her hair and makeup game.  Stunner.

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11.  I kinda loved her perspective in heart-to-heart # crap-I-lost-count with Shawn this week, à la: (paraphrasing) “…this is weeks in the span of what could be forever. And all this dating other guys biz is gonna go down so if you wanna stick around, you’re gonna have to sack up.”  Sing it sister.

12.  Is this the Bachelorette or Days of Our Lives?  Jiminy Christmas.

days of our lives

13.  Is that Visine or are those real tears?

visine or tears

14.  This was me, rewinding 869 times to make sure I REALLY just saw her keep a mint-chocolate Cupcake over Ben Z.

I demand a recount.  Did Cupcake hypnotize her with that laser-like focus??  Is there a conspiracy I don’t know about??  Did Cupcake promise that if he could stick around one more week, he’d give Nick Invisalign for free once he + Kaitlyn got engaged?? This mystery – for me – is right up there with who shot JFK / whether or not the Loch Ness Monster is real.

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15.  I keep looking for leftover scrambled eggs from his Scram Slam in that beard.  I know they’re in there somewhere.


16.  I’d just like to take a 20 second timeout and note of how righteous Bart’s hair looked last night.  It just keeps getting taller, and taller, and taller.  I love him. #higherthehairtheclosertogod


17.  Dear Ben H:  Wanna spoon?  Love, Me.


18.  Leave it to my BFF the reality TV producer to wait for Season XXXVII to start watching the Bachelor(ette) franchise.  I’m gonna let her take the mic on this one.

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cupcake sad 3

Last but not least, my normally silent co-pilot also noted via text last night that “Cupcake is about as smooth as the heels of my feet right now” and that “Shawn’s pants were so tight I could practically see his mushroom tip.”  Jfkl;djlfjdlsjfkl;djslkfjdkls;jfkldajfl;kdjslk;fjdslhidhkdahkfdhjksafhjkdsahfkdsajkfldfjsa;l

karrie steph

((Drops mic))  See you next week!


Steph's Scanned Signature

with a special guest appearance by Karrie


Bach Recap Week 5: The Nick Redemption + Cookie Monster’s Rant

Last night, my hizzizzy was fulla smelly candles + Sangria popsicles (thanks Amanda!) + buffalo chicken dip (love you Becky!) + a big gaggle of gals.  And Prince Gus.  Otherwise known as loads-of-fun-on-a-Monday.

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If you didn’t have a chance to tune in, here’s what you missed:

1.  Hell hath no fury like a scorned group of dudes… or, like Bart’s hair today.  Even his weave is fired up.  Kid ‘n Play’s is lookin pretty aggressive, too.

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2.  Tanner isn’t Bob Costas.  He’s actually Barbara Walters in blue, playing hardball. Somebody get this guy a gig in investigative journalism, stat.


3.  This is the most entertaining firing squad I’ve ever seen.  It’s like 900 big brothers putting the dude trying to date their sister in the hot seat and just lettin’ him have it. You also gotta appreciate that these guys – instead of running around whispering and making stink eyes at each other (*cough* which is maaaybe what chicks would do) – just sat down and hashed it out.  Sometimes boys get it right.


4.  Timeout: Did White Fang just swim underwater for 3 days with his eyes open?  Somebody get this poor kid some Visine.


5.  I love Ben Z but I gotta know what brand of mascara he wears.  Cuz it’s way better than mine.  Or maybe his eyes are just naturally that sparkly.


6.  I didn’t actually know until last night that they make capri suit pants for men.  Also… those pink socks+ loafers.  I can’t deal.


7.  I call this JJ’s “I’ve never SEEN an outdoor opera house THIS big!” face.


8.  She so pretty.


9.  Can’t the Bachelorette + Shark Tank pair up and invent a miracle sweat towel for the dudes on this show?  Like a Sham-Wow for your face?  PS I love that when he tried to tell her she had the wool pulled over her eyes she was all, “well, maybe you don’t trust him, but don’t you trust my judgment?”  Boom girlfriend.  PPS: somebody get that poor guy a Xanax + a cocktail, stat.  Cuz he’s boutah have a couple kinds of meltdowns.


10. Chris Harrison is like a cute little groundhog swaddled in black wool who just crawled out from under 2nd base to do his one-liner for the night.


11.  Dude somebody get poor Cupcake a muffin to wrap himself in.  The poor kid’s lips are blue.

12.  But I mean for real.  Single-handedly keeping Dep in business.  One $2.13 bottle at a time.  You know I love Bart (!)  I’m not knocking the kid – I’m actually mesmerized.


13.  He’s the cutest.  Like, ever.


14.  Raise your hand if you don’t wanna just go hang out and eat biscuits & gravy with GG.  Cuz I do.  She reminds me my super-southern GG (Vic!) and the cute little house dresses like that she used to wear while she made tomato sandwiches & quilts & stuff.


15.  He had an ex who broke up with him because she “lost the chase”??!!!&$#^#^&#??  WHAT’S TO CHASE when you’re with this gem?  Girlfriend is straight cray.  I also love him for being honest enough to say that life was centered around his last relationship.  That’s a humbling thing to admit, but it’s been known to happen to the best of us.  Anyhoo – her loss / our gain.


16.  I played college sports too, Princeton.  And in the athletic world, this is what we refer to as “choking in crunch time.” #painful


17.  Conversely, this is what we call “rising to the occasion.”  By far the most entertaining thing that happened all night and (gulp) the best thing I’ve seen Nick do… “Ay ay ay ay – ay ay I love you!” …BAAAHAHAHAH.

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I can’t believe I’m gonna say this, but Bed Head just grew on me.  Now.  If anyone needs me imma be sitting in the corner in timeout à la Ralphie for the next 6 days.


18.  That’s a great plaid shirt, Sugar.


19.  Calvin Harris should prob split his Xanax with this poor soul.  Dude needs to stop talking about Nick like, yesterday and keep his eye on the ball… though I can’t help but feel bad for him after the double whammy called THAT haircut + getting lobbed under the bus and left out in the cold by the other dudes.


20.  I’m sorry.  He’s so sweet.  But he’s SOOOOOOO SERRRRRIOUS all the time. Goodness gracious.  This guy needs a whoopee cushion or some giggle juice or some jolt or somethin’.


21.  “I am an enigma and who I am is a gift you unwrap for life.“??? | “I’m a Princeton Grad and a former model.“??? | “My ex was way hotter“???  Is this guy for real?  Modeled for what – Sesame Street?

cookie monster

Ian = the narcissistic sleeper of the season.  WHAAAAAT A PRICK.  He pooped his pants in the mariachi thing and isn’t hacking it on the show or getting enough attention so he decided to pound his chest and be a jerk?  Great game plan.  Also – who do poop and movie quotes not work for, besides everyone (except this guy)?  Auf Wiedersehen, Cookie Monster.

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22.  Sidenote: I’m confused about why – if somebody had the clippers out – these two unfortunate situations weren’t remedied.

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All I got!


Steph's Scanned Signature