House Beautiful

Tag Archive for 'bachelorette'

Page 2 of 4

Bach Week 9: The Women Tell All

1.  Honestly, Crouching Mom / Hidden Cougar could’ve been any one of our moms after about a half a glass of Pinot Grigio.  There were envious 50-something-year-old loins aflame everywhere last night…  Love it.


2.  Omg, the last party they crashed.  BAHAHHAHHA.


3.  Ashley’s faces were ON POINT last night.  I can’t believe these words are about to fall out of my mouth, but now I think I might have a soft spot for my old buddy Tarantulashes.

Also, this blog post will self-destruct in 5 seconds…



4.  I heard Britt has spent the past few months recovering from “heartbreak” back home in Michigan… So now, listen: As a corn-fed girl, I know better than anyone a) what happens in the Midwest and b) what happens in the Midwest in the winter time… as is evidenced by the fact that my pants split over Christmas.

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 9.39.54 AM

And that is why I can say without hesitation that the Midwest meat & taters phenomenon skipped Britt’s hips and landed right in her cheeks.  Did I just say that out loud??  I did.  Oosie.  But she looked WAY noticeably different last night.  And obviously by different, I mean bloated.

britt's face

5.  Haaaaaaa – Who was it that said, re: Ashley I – “…yeah but her mouth is not a virgin.” #onpoint #largemouthbass

6.  I thought THIS shenanigan would never end.  No one won in the battle of Britt vs. Carly.  We all just lost hours of our lives.

britt v carly

7.  When Jillian bowed up and went to town on (everybody) who was ganging up on Britt, I kept waiting for her veins to burst and her muscles to explode and her dress to fall into shreds on the ground, like the Incredible Hulk.  Then, I realized that I think she wants to set up camp in Britt’s drawers.

Screen Shot 2015-03-03 at 7.16.52 AM

8.  Oh hey Cricket from Hart of Dixie!  I love that show and I can’t help it.  Judge away.


9.  Can somebody get Britt a ponytail holder? Cuz if she touches her weave one more time it’s gonna fall out.  While we’re at it, she could use 7 boxes of tissues and a mani.


10.  This is the second to last thing I’m going to say about her: Honey.  If you & Chris were MFEO, one moment in time because of something one other girl said couldn’t possibly have ruined it.  Pretty sure you left the show because Chris said: “That’s not how I want my wife to act.”  Not because you & Carly had a spat on the playground at recess.

11.  Somebody get this poor chile some under eye concealer.  Or a nap.

dark circles

12.  Kelsey saying “I know this is a love story about Chris, but this is my love story too” reminds me of the time she wrote her husband’s entire obituary, and 75% of it was about her and her accomplishments.  She frightens me beyond belief.

13.  What’s *really* amazing is how many times I think she rehearsed that Amazing speech.  The jig is up sister!  Yer scary and America knows it.


14.  Behold: My hero.

ashley s

I think she officially might be the most hilarious person – maybe the smartest – and by far the best at mocking the show – ever to be on.  I was in effing stitches, definitely let out a little pee, and fell over laughing 17x during her 4 minute segment.  Best lines included:

There was only one cat, and it didn’t reply.” // “It’s so weird… just that we’re all on TV.” // “I was really bored.”

Ashley on Bachelor in Paradise will be the best gift I’ve ever gotten.

15.  Also, her skin is FLAW-LESS.  Crazy becomes her.

ashley s skin

16. Did Jade got her painted-on-red-dress from Stiffler’s Mom’s closet??


17.  Last thing I’m gonna say about Britt: she *almost* had me feeling sorry for her for being misunderstood.  But if any of us had any doubt that she is artfully skilled at talking out of both sides of her mouth, how about the time she LITERALLY said to Chris: “I respect you and I don’t blame you for believing Carly!” and 10 seconds later said, “I knew you weren’t that small-minded and would never take someone else’s word like that.”  Gowl, do you even hear yourself?

both sides of her mouth

18.  Why is he in a clammy sweat?  Yikes.  Somebody get this poor guy a towel and a Xanax.  And for the love of God, a media coach.

cold sweat

19.  Dear Chris: if I’m the girl you chose, or even one of the final two, the absolute last thing I wanna hear you say is that your choice to keep me was like throwing darts in the dark.  Huh??


20.  Can we all discuss how stunning Kaitlyn looks, and how poised, articulate and hilarious she is?!  She’s come a long way for me. #bachelorette2015


21.  Did Jade seriously suggest that if Chris was uncomfortable he should’ve said: “Let’s save these (naked photos of your labia flapping in the wind) for something special”?  Like, fer WHAT?  For the highlight reel at your wedding?


22.  Loved Ashley / Tarantulashes’ dress.

23.  Did you see who he ran to bear hug first after the show closed??  Carly.  Shows to go ya, Bambi.

What did I miss??  Who’s pumped for the 3 hour finale?  And if you live in San Diego, duh – come over.  Biggest Bachelor Rager of the Year!


Steph's Scanned Signature

Bachelorette Recap: Venice

1.  I meeeeeean…  What do I have to do to win a free trip to eh-Venezia?  …Get an IV of Mountain Dew and smack a loaduh pomade in my hair and coif my front 7 hairs into a little rip curl?  Meld my two front teeth together??  Fer $*#()$*(#)’s sake.  Adiamo!

2.  Speaking of teeth.  I’ll be the first one to admit she’s a beautiful girl… and also that she has the itsy bitsiest Chicklet teeth.

3.  I would bet my left areola that Cody is 5’4″ in real life – and prob also 5’4″ in diameter.  And while I DO love to rip on Rip Curl and while his hairdo doesn’t really blow up my shorts…  nor does the affinity for tanning beds or red Chuck Taylors, I do *totally* appreciate the kid’s enthusiasm and think he has a really good heart.  And it broke mine a little to watch her give him da boot.  What a great attitude he has though – ya gotta give him props for that.  If I’m ever at Malibu Sun or the Bally Total Fitness in Chicago, I’ll totally give him a big bear hug.

4.  I positively cannot take the Suave commercials.  It’s like watching a bad audition.  Or listening to nails on a chalkboard.  Or watching yourself on camera.  If I scream “mercy!!!” will ABC make it stop?

5.  Nick is like a curly-headed toddler who just nomnomnom’d on a mouth fulla rocks.  I don’t quite see the allure.  Also..  something’s off.  I feel like something’s REAL shady… like maybe he’s hiding something – like a coupla dead people chopped up in the basement.  PS: “In his tux he looks like a Prince,” she says???  Does she mean Le Petit Prince? Dessin-moi un mouton!

6.  Raise your hand if you are still under the guise that Josh isn’t a total player…  wait, hang on… is it still raised??  Now go ahead and smack yourself with it.

7.  OMG…  The lie detector test is the best *$#()*$#() I’ve ever seen.  I especially enjoyed watching Josh sweat bullets and get his little white cotton under panties in a wad.  “If you have trust in somebody, why you gotta make ’em take a lie detector test?” = GUILTY.

8.  WWWWWWHHHHHHHHHAAAAAT??!!  …I HAVE NO WORDS.  Honey, getcher Scotch tape out and go fish that outta the trash can NOW!!

9.  Loooooooooooook who’s sittin’ pretty after she tore up the lie detector test results.  Mmmmmmhmm.  She IS a smart girl.  Her intuition is spot-on.  And I feel like I’m gonna verp whenever he comes onscreen.

10.  Timeout.  a) Bill Nye is still here?  b) Did I just hear him toot his horn and say he was good in the sack?  c) I’ll give one million dollars to anyone who can tell me what a Pantsapreneur is.  d) If he’s a Pantsapreneur, then why is he 6’7″ and wear a pair of capri pants with a 14″ inseam to the rose ceremony??  …just sayin’.  It’s a solid question.

11.  God bless America.  Of COURSE he’s the Secret Admirer.  AND in dimples & a matching DILF sweater to boot…  yumyumnumnum.  PS, I know someone who has that exact sweater.  PPS, if Chris doesn’t win, I give up.

12.  Who wore it better??

13.  Girl can rock some GREAT side boob.  I give her mad props for her wardrobe this year.

14.  Marcus is going to MELT – somebody get the poor kid a towel.  If his face is that sweaty, I don’t even wanna know what’s going on in his grundle.

15.  What was Steamy McDreamboat AKA Dylan wigging out about after his lie detector test??

16.  WHAT in the name of Sam Hill is that hat.  I can’t take it.

That’s all I got!  What did I miss, Campers??