House Beautiful

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Bachelor Recap, Week 3: Peter Brady is a Lover.

1.  Since the Bachelor airs 3 hours earlier on the east coast than here, every Monday around 6pm my time my phone explodes with “EHMAHGAH no she just DIH-N’T!” and the like.  Last night I got not one, not two, but **three** Olivia-themed texts in a span of literally 30 seconds.  This, my friends, was my favorite of the three.  Cuz it’s the most spot-on doppelgänger I’ve ever seen.

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2.  “Lace is reaching the end of her dynamite stick” = Hello Kitty drops mic.  Can’t judge a cartoon by its color people.  Even Sanrio’s got sass.


3.  “There is a mean girl in there” (Minnie Mouse & Lauren B talking about Olivia) = the tribe of sweet girls in the house has spoken. Spot on peeps!  Pass the cream & sugar.


4.  What is it about Lauren B?  She’s not the most drop dead gorgeous in the room, but… Ooh, I know. She’s a totally well-adjusted, kind, caring, beautiful in her own way and totally normal girl.  With good values.  She is PRECIOUS.  Slash girl – you can come home to my home state any time. #laurenforprez


5.  I DIE.


6.  That’s a great disheveled updo.  This chick can do no wrong.  PS he LUUUUUUVS her.


7. “What does life look like for you?” = a question ALL DUDES should weave into their repertoire. And guys – y’all know this right?? You’re amazing at answering questions about yourselves but y’all NEVER really ask them… ‘spesh not the important ones like our golden boy Ben just did. Consider this the best advice you’ve ever gotten and get on your game.


8.  Slash did Ben just say, “l forgot the depth at which that kind of love exists.”?? Good LAWWWD, who IS he??  Besides a legit endangered species.

9.  “I have zero ball handling skills” = Oh… honeybun.  We don’t say things like that out loud.

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10. These situations remind me of those rare Saturday nights after a few pops when I come home and have an impromptu crying fest for no reason…


…and then wake up the next day and realize this:


11. Introducing Santa’s favorite Elf.


12. Listen. I’ll give props to ANY Bachelorette who rolls up her sleeves and takes a dive in the dirt. But is she still the keeper of the year wheeeeeennn the ball comes towards the goal in super slow mo?


13. STUNNER.  Look at her skin.  Dang girl.  I hope the exit limo took her straight to Neutrogena to sign on as their new spokesperson.


14. Hey.  Less shopping at Bebe / less complaining / more just-sack-up-and-go talk to him. You’re too old to be acting this silly.


Update… oh my.  She just took that advice to the bank didn’t she?  Went right on in for it.  And not smoothly but hey.  It got her a rose, I guess.

15. This exchange = the most hilarious and also disconcerting (maybe ever) on this show: “Wait… was it my ankles?? …Wait, my toes?” // “Girl… Your toes like aren’t cute.”


16. The fact that he doesn’t have painted-on abs / didn’t train with Cody before the season / has a high school senior’s version of Dad-Bod makes me love him a little bit more… maybe cuz there’s a lack of vanity there but probably cuz he’s been too busy like, bandaging refugees in whatever 3rd world country he’s always volunteering in.


In other news: how many squats and dead-lifts do I have to do to make my rear-end sit up as high as Jubilee’s does???  Dayyyyyyyyyyuuuuuummmm.

17. PS, I really like Jubilee, but I can’t take girls seriously when they say things like: “I’m the most complicated person here.”  Gurl.  C’mon.

18. Dear Olivia. Let’s disregard everything about anyone besides you – including the fact that Ben just lost some people who are obviously dear to him – so that we can focus (more) on you, and talk about your trivial insecurities e.g. your corns and cankles. You a-hole. Does she have a soul?  ..Pretty sure the answer is no, and pretty sure he already knows it.


19.  I’ll tell ya who does have a soul: Minnie Mouse.  Cuz the first thing she did was ask him how he was and try to comfort him.

20.  #nomnomnom – reason #957 why we love Lauren B.  Because no one has ever take a bigger bite of Caesar salad. Ever.  PS: look at Jubes back there… this was that scene when the girls were being REAL b*tchy – e.g. JoJo.  And here I thought JoJo and I were friends / I was pulling for her last week.  Jury’s out.


21. This is the best decision Lace has ever made on the show.  Bless her heart.


22. Does Olivia know his first name is Ben? AKA not benhiggins like it’s one word? Slash somebody get that girl a Neutrogena oil pad stat.

23. This whole situation was NOT COOL.  And so silly.  And def not smart on Amber’s part.



That’s all I got!  Except… Jason Mesnick’s socks in the little After-the-Bach special, which I was about to turn off but had to pause and look closer, JUST to make sure I understood what I was seeing.  Such a goofball.



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