House Beautiful

Bachelor Week 6: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

What up kids?!  Happy Tuesday!  Let’s get this party started.

1.  EL DIABLO.  (Or is it Diab-la?  …Hangonhangon – I don’t have a Masters degree.  Lemme go ask Ashley.)


2.  The part where Ashley asked whomever was behind the camera if they had actual paperwork on Kelsey’s husband’s death = her first redeeming, legit act as a make-believe Journalist.  Ya little fact checker you!  Proud of ya.


3.  That glimmer of hope for her budding brain waves was squashed 3 seconds later when she said “(Kelsey) just wants to make Chris feel worse ABOUT her” and I’m *pretty* sure she meant “FOR” her.  Meh – potato/potatoe.  Slash, Ashley may as well have just taken the money she her parents spent on that prestigious Masters degree and lit it on fire.

4.  Britt is a Care Bear.  Just give it up and have a normal reaction to Kelsey’s shenanigans like the rest of us normal folk.  E.g. Meghan.  (Love her.)

real v care bear

5.  Best line of the night: “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shitty human being.”  PREACH, sista!  Amen.


6.  If I have to hear her say she’s “earned it” one more time, or that her husband is dead and that makes her a REAL woman, or that she’s above everyone else, I’m seriously going to take a blow torch to her entire frumpy LL Bean Limited Edition Puritan Collection wardrobe.

jasmine v pochohontas

7.  Does Britt shop exclusively at the Limited Too?  …It’s a legitimate question.

limited too

8.  I call this series: “MFEO.”  They’re in love.  Game over.  Look at him look at her. #beccaorbust


they're in love

9.  Absolutely tone deaf and so adorable I can’t take it.

adorable and tone deaf

10.  I mean, DAYUM girl.  That was amazing.  And what Kaitlyn said about sitting back and wanting to root for them for a second was so on point.  As is almost everything she says… And now I feel bad for talking about her lazy eye in Week 1.  In other news…  Carly is adorable.  And so are her itsy bitsy teeny weeny carny hands.


11.  Wow.  I’m jealous and if I were any of the girls who got left behind for 2 hours while this was going on, I probably would’ve been boo-hoo-ing, too.  Also… if Britt hasn’t showered in weeks, then Chris better steer clear of her undercarriage, cuz it has to smell like a homeless man’s underpants by now.


12.  This looks like the most fun, EVER.

hee haw

13.  C’mon now…  who WEARS this?  Also… somebody feed this poor girl cuz she hasn’t eaten since Coachella last year Woodstock.

who wears that
14.  Watching the battle of Princess Jasmine vs. Pochahontas go down was AMAZING… especially the part when the Journalist went off on El Diablo and pulled rank, à la: “I may not use big words but I have a Masters degree, too… and from like, a good place.”



15.  Ashley does have a great stomach – I gotta hand it to her.  But that is because any fat that ever would’ve padded her midsection sank and has taken up residence in her giant cankles. It’s out there, I said it (!!!^#$@*!) and I’ve been DYING to say it since Week 2 but holding my tongue.  Phew.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be driving the bus to hell.  Actually; I’m riding shotgun.  Kelsey’s driving.

16.  Timeout.  Let’s give Chris some quick props for the great DILF sweater.

j v p

17.  I call this one “Poetic Justice.”  AUF WIEDERSEHEN, hookers!  Slash Tarantulashes had the maturity level / IQ level of an 8-year old and was certainly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I also might’ve stabbed myself in the eyeball with said knife if she’d stayed on another week, but she was relatively harmless. Kelsey was straight lethal.  Hey – if you don’t believe me, just ask her husband.


18.  I call this series DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD / hold up girls, I’m comin’ over!  I love all of them.  The exact same scene literally went down in my living room last night with all my girls who were here in their sweatpants with bells on & vino in hand.










Who’s pumped for next week when Britt has some kind of meltdown in the cornfield, hopefully sweet Becca makes more strides towards walking down the aisle with Chris, and Jade tells Chris that she + her inflatable labia posed for Playboy??  I can’t WAIT.


Steph's Scanned Signature

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