House Beautiful

Bachelor Week 5: Driving the Minivan to Hell

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Tiiiiiiiimeouttimeouttimeout…  Before we even launch into this week’s lunacy, may I please retract last week’s sugary statement about how wholesome and unassuming Jade was?  Cuz SOMEBODY inbox’d me Jason Biggs’ tweet, which was a bare nekkid remnant from Cinderella’s Jade’s stint in the porn industry, and it was more of anyone’s she-vittles than I *ever* needed to see…   (PARENTS THE WORLD OVER, I WOULD NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF I WERE YOU, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE…)  Pretty sure I washed my eyeballs out with soap afterward.  Because I am Little Bo Peep.

steph as a kiddo

Alright.  Onto Week 5.  Here we go:

1. Can I get a big round of applause for ABC, who graciously treated sweet Meghan to her VERY first, all-expense-paid trip to the tropical, foreign beaches of Santa Fe, New Mexico??  Now in all seriousness…  I get why the girls have to take the Myers Briggs test, STD tests and the psych tests before they come on the show.   But just fer sh*ts & giggles:  somebody throw a spelling, geography or math test in the mix. And maybe check to see if everyone spells her own name right, just for good measure.  That said… I still love her.  I can’t help it.  The chick is hilarious.

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2. I am so uncomfortable I can’t stand it.  Gus and I hid under the couch in unison with earmuffs and blinders on.  Watching Chris & Carly play strip yoga might actually be THE only thing worse than being forced to watch porn sitting sandwiched between your parents.  And by porn, naturally I mean Jade.

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3.  “It’s called heart, um….  Oh yeah-yeah.  I remember: ‘congestive heart failure.'”  I have no words… except to say I think it’s in almost as poor taste for me to say that I think she may’ve put Clorox in her husband’s coffee as it is for her to talk about his passing with a nonchalant grin on her face and the giddy excitement of someone who thinks she’s about to make it big on TV.  She scares the everliving bejesus out of me.

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4.  God bless her.  I’m tryin to throw my girl Meg a bone, but she makes it really tough when she says things like, “the first thing I thought were…”  My guess is she’s been hanging out with Tarantulashes for one rose ceremony too many.

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5.  Jade’s overboard!!  Wait, Chris honey she doesn’t need your help!  She has magical inflatable lady bits in her shorts!  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, kindly refer to #1.

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6.  Aw Jordan.  I admire her for coming back all sober and humble.  I didn’t even recognize her.

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7.  Ohmigod.  Ashley & I like, TOTALLY have the same outfit on!  Except I haven’t worn a shirt dress shirt that small since I was 18 months old.  #marriagematerial right there, folks.  Look Ma, no pants!

Ashley and Stephanie as a Fat Baby

8. Best, most gracious and respectful reaction ever to Jordan crashing the group date.  I love her, and I’m friending her in real life in San Diego.  If he picks her or Whitney in the end, everything will be right in the world.

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9.  GYAH.  Someone put all of us out of our misery and send this girl back to jersey.  “I was SO mind-boggled” might’ve been her best work this week.  I can’t wait until “The Women Tell All” when she tells us all how she was like, totally misunderstood this season and that the producers like, edited everything to make her look SEH. BAHD.

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10. “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be anything she’s not, and that’s the scary thing” = RIGHT on point, said my girl the high-pitched baby whisperer.  She’s like the queen of the artfully diplomatic dig.

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11.  If ever you had any doubts about what Whitney just said about Tarantulashes, just take a gander… Anybody have any questions?

What a gem

12. Seriously?  The “I’ve never seen fire before!” reaction and the hopscotch Mouseketeer meltdown a whole *10 minutes* after we almost had to call the Wambulance over her lifelong phobia of heights?  …I call phoney baloney.  Also, if she doesn’t close her mouth, she’s gonna catch every bug in New Mexico.  Which is actually right next to Uruguay, you know.  Just ask my girl Meghan.

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13.  Now listen.  I’m not suggesting Kelsey pull an Ashley and show up in baby clothes that scarcely cover her moose knuckle, but if it had been me and I were about to go in for the kill with Chris, I PROBABLY wouldn’t have gotten decked out in my best LL Bean Soccer Mom get-up and popped Shirley Temple hot rollers in my hair ‘fore I traipsed over to his room.  Just sayin’.  But hey – I gotta give it to her.  She’s one pretty pilgrim.

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14.  Kelsey may *look* like cross between Olive Oil and a Pilgrim… but this chick actually might be Lucifer, with the personality of a piece of Melba Toast.  For the record, these were the faces she was making as she actually spoke the words: “Isn’t my story tragic story so AMAZING?  I love my story.” While smiling.  It made my insides curdle.

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15.  This is what Gus thinks of Kelsey, and the feigned panic attack (eye roll) that flung the rose ceremony into next week….

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…Oz has spoken.

Have a great week, kids!!

Steph's Scanned Signature

 

 

6 Responses to “Bachelor Week 5: Driving the Minivan to Hell”


  • The whole show last night I was like ‘oh, lawd I hope Steph is taking notes!!’ And there is absolutely no doubt that moose knuckle was behind her husbands death. Surely, they are calling for a new autopsy this morning. Who goes on a dating show a year after her husband dies???? Does she not remind you of Trish Schneider???? {Season 5}
    I so look forward to your recaps!!!!!!!

  • HILARIOUS STEPHI!! I’m torn between whether she killed her husband or if she ever had one at all!! She put soooo much emphasis on (INSERT Homonym) “my STORY” as she called it. Per Merriam-Webster:
    STORY :
    1) )an account of incidents or events
    2) the intrigue or plot of a narrative or dramatic work
    3) a fictional narrative shorter than a novel; specifically
    4) a statement regarding the facts pertinent to a situation in question
    Or as my grandmother referred to a story, a LIE!!

  • Your recap is en pointe as per usual, and I’m following the minivan to hell in my Ford Focus. I’ve never seen anyone look so smug and almost victorious when recounting a tragic story as Kelsey. She is the anti-Christ. I needed ginger ale to calm my stomach during the love guru segment. And where was I when Britt announced not bathing? Not even a bird bath at the sink? A bidet spritz? This is certainly the Season of the Skank! And I’m still apologizing for Ashley I. I’m just so sorry…

  • ok so this is hilarious. I am cracking up at work. maybe your best yet.

    now that this is out of the way, I think Kelsi is actually trying to be sarcastic…like, she strikes me as the kind of girl who is an intellectual snob.

    THAT said, she is creepy and obviously playing him- and the show. I wish that someone who had gone through this would be a warm and empathetic person on the other side of it.

    Also, I kept googling if she really was a widow. apparently, yes, she’s not made it up…but your theory could be right.

  • Also, I seriously can’t stand Brit.

    a serious meltdown and then NOTHING when she saw that hot air balloon ride. never liked that girl.

  • Oh my word. Strip yoga? Who in the Sam Hill comes up with this stuff? And what will next week bring? Strip hide-and-seek? Strip Monopoly? The mind boggles.

    Thank you for yet another hilarious recap, Steph. You are a goddess among women. 🙂

Leave a Reply to Pheobe