House Beautiful

Bachelor Week 4: Camping with Crazies


Before we launch into last night’s shenanigans, can I give a quick shout-out to my boy Jimmy Kimmel?  Cuz I think I wet my pants a few times watching last week’s episode.  He was money…  though I’m not sure what was a bigger knee-slapper for me: Jimmy Kimmel, or continually seeing the word “Journalist” listed as Ashley’s profession.

As for this week…

1. When did sweet Megan have time to get fake boobs?  She’s just a pup!  On that note, let’s all tip our hats to a very wise old man who passed last year – my beloved 89-year old Papaw Bud – who always said: “I never understood the point of fake boobs.  Anything you can’t fit in your mouth is a waste of time.”  What a great old rascal he was.


I teeter between really liking her for being down to earth, and feeling like she’s *kind* of a drunk college girl still.  Either way, I need her to step away from the spray tanning booth.  Cuz she’s the color of Cody.


2. Carly is adorable, and she bears a striking resemblance to the biggest baddest event planner I know *COUGH* whose name rhymes with Shmalder Shlark, but she’d kill me if I did a side-by-side.


3. The whole “(ehmahgah) I’m a Camping Virgin / I’m a Virgin Camper!” is the most clever thing Ashley I. has ever come up with.  Now I may weave a lot of ridiculous, made-up vocabulary into my every day vernacular, but there is no one more amazing at butchering the English language than this chick.  On that note, let’s recap some of her most poignant quotes from the past few weeks… which include but are not limited to:

I’m not like, hookup material.  I’m wife material.”

All I wanna do is like, go on a date and like, get dressed up.”

For me like, if a guy’s driving it’s like, one of the sexiest things he can doooo.”

I feel definitely progressed.”

Those are the words of a true Journalist, folks. #hardnews


4. Call me crazy but I feel like Jade is gonna win the whole she-bang.  I’m delighted to see the sweet, unassuming girl from a farm near him with next-to-no makeup on getting a shot.  They’re like two good ‘ol Midwesterners with hearts of gold in one happy little pod.  She’s precious.


5. On that note, I am also totally enjoying seeing him interested in Whitney… helium-sucking cartoon voice and all.  Girlfriend can hold her own and seems to have a good head on her shoulders.


6. Also like this gal.


7. Chris’ sisters are so cute.  Fist bump long distance for bringing them on.


8. The 90’s J.Crew model who looks like the spawn of Olive Oil + Pochahontas is actually the spawn of Cruella Deville + Grumpy Dwarf – that chick is a WOLF in sheep’s clothing.  Her snobtastic “ew gross this is SEH. LAME.” rant at the camp fest was just unfortunate… does she not realize he’ll watch that later?  I mean…  I’ll agree that that lake did look like a giant retention pond but honey, throw a Miller Lite in a koozie, hop in a life jacket diaper and go with the flow… and maybe getcher priorities straight and focus on Chris without a shirt.  Sheesh.  In other news, I did NOT need to see her bikini line that close up.


9. I demand to see Courtney Thorne Smith’s psych test results, cuz they HAVE to have been fudged.  The only farm this chick may wind up on is the funny farm, and I hope that’s where her exit limo escorted her.  In a straight jacket.  Cuz if you look closely at this pic, I feel like she’s about to pull a Hannibal any second now and bite his entire face off.


10. I can’t take it.  Please make it stop.


11. Being a virgin doesn’t necessarily make you amazing wife material, just like calling yourself a journalist doesn’t necessarily mean you passed 8th grade English.  If I have to watch her swallow Chris’ face like a large mouth bass, apply any more lip balm or lose any more brain cells listening to her talk for one more week, I think I’m going to knockout punch myself in the face.


12. Not that I didn’t love the monologue about how much she hang cleaned at last month’s lube & flex competition, but woman… ask that poor boy some questions bout his’self!  LAWD.


13. How sweet was he to Juehlia? (Did I spell her name right? OMG… Ashley I is contagious).  The Farmer is a class act.  I give that dismount a perfect 10.


14. Ooooh Bambi!  Guuuuuurl you’re on thin ice.  The last-rose-move was punitive and not lost on anyone.


15. SPOILER ALERT!  I accidentally saw a spoiler way-back-when that named Kaitlyn as being in the final 4… but then last week a buddy of mine from Canada told me in passing that while he doesn’t watch the show, his buddy “took home the Canadian chick from this season’s Bachelor” from the bars last weekend.  So I’m pretty sure Kaitlyn is not the future Mrs. Chris.


Now.  If you haven’t watched this SNL skit yet featuring Farmer Chris & the gaggle of floozies vying for his heart, then I suggest you hit play, and pronto.



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