Bachelor Week 1: Prince Farming, the Panty Dropper

LAAAAAWD.  That is a fine a$$ man.  And gurl we will talk ALLLLL about that this season, and I will spell out what a growling noise sounds like… like a puma in heat. But anybody can be smokin’ hot… what makes this guy the best bachelor, ever, is that he’s an upstanding, endearingly sweet and humble guy.  With a good heart and a great fam.  Like an endangered species that we’ve never seen in real life; only read about in fairy tales, or seen on Animal Planet.

Now…  I hope for all of your sakes that you tuned into ABC last night for the big Bachelor Premiere.  Or better yet, that you hosted a gaggle of floozies like I did and served Pear & Thyme Mimosas.

But if you missed it (!) then you’re in luck.  Cuz here’s what went down.  And remember – these recaps are all in good fun!!  Plus let’s be real: you know you’re thinking all the same things.  Fist bump.

RECAP: BACHELOR PREMIERE WEEK

1.  My only objection to the new red carpet bit is that somehow, someway, an invite accidentally got sent to Chris – aka Kermit the Frog.  And if I find out who did it, they’re in trouble.  This dude’s arrogance, grammar and general toddler tantrum-esque behavior – inappropriate for anyone out of diapers – never ceases to make my head want to explode every season…  And I say “every season” because somehow, he manages to inject himself into every Bachelor-based series.  It’s like Where’s Waldo. Can we call MERCY already?  I’ll call it: “MER-SAAAAAAAAAY!”

2.  Don’t get me wrong – I adore some Nikki Ferrell… *especially* for finally (praise sweet baby Jesus & hi-5’s the-world-over) telling Juan Pablo to go pound sand.  And I give BIG props to her stylist, because she looks stunning.

But why-oh-WHY were 59 minutes of the 1-hour red carpet special consumed by Chris Harrison & Nikki rapping about the demise of Nikki & Juan Pablo’s relationship?  It was like a broken record on repeat.  If ABC was going to subject us to it for that long, they at least could’ve had the courtesy to do a split screen – maybe with Chris plowing fields of gold while shirtless, gazing off into the distance all pensive & chewing on a piece of wheat.  Or something.  Anyhow.  Nikki’s best quotes included: “We in real life tried” and after what sounded like a lot of MUCH-rehearsed-with-her-publicist-diplomacy, the clouds parted and there was an unapologetic moment of candor: “It’s one thing to be someone’s 2nd priority, and it’s another thing to be their 7th.”  Amen, Sister Sledge.  PS did you see what she posted on Instagram when they broke up?  Get it girl.

3.  Did Lacy borrow Julie Andrews’ Oscar dress?  And did she suck all the air out of a hot air balloon of helium backstage, or are her Spanx just super tight?  PS… rewind. Good catch, Beth: Did she for serious just say, “it’s about 80/40”???  …ehmahgah, there are no words.

4. Erika.  Now representing the Richard Simmons Disco collection.  PS: where’s my girl Joan when I need her?? #ripjoan

5. Andi looks AMAZING.  And I’m happy for her cuz she seems so happy, but my jury’s still out on Josh.

6. I can’t take it.  RAWR.

7. Also, can we talk about how PRECIOUS his family is??  His mom was so sweet last season I wanted to curl up in her lap and have her bake me homemade blueberry muffins and tell me a story.

8. This is HANDS-DOWN one of the best things ABC has ever done.  I die.

Also – did she read my recaps of last season?  Cuz girlfriend stole my line.

9. Did the Fertility Whisperer take a swig from Lacy’s helium tank?  Slash, what a sweetie she is.  I feel like she’ll go the distance.

10. I cannot even talk about the flight attendant sketch.  The end.

11.  Pocahontas the Widow is gorgeous.  And I would strongly suggest that she wash down 87 boxes of Girl Scout cookies with a gallon of half & half, stat.

12.  Tara…  BAHAHAHHAHA.  Was it just me, or is she the spitting image of Kristen Johnson from SATC when she’s all wasted, just before she falls out of the window of that New York high rise?  Her wardrobe change / pop out of the bushes did make me cackle.  And why is the rose ceremony at daylight??  These poor girls!  As much as I’d love to knock her for being all leaning-tower-of-Piza-wasted and falling asleep standing up, let’s be honest.  I would’ve been peeing (or drowning) in the pool at that point.

13.  Is Britt a fawn from a Disney Bambi movie?  Is she a beautiful combination of every story book princess and story book animal that ever was?  Is that even REAL? &^$%.  Everyone else can go on home – thanks fer playin’.  I like boys, but even I might have a crush on her if I were him.  Though I will say: …isn’t “waitress in Hollywood” kind of synonymous with “actress“?  She seems so sweet and genuine and I want to believe that’s real.  But if it’s not, then girlfriend needs an Oscar nom. Hidejakeeds and ladies, DEFINITELY hidejahusbands.

14. The live organ thing freaked me out.  Also… it may not be the worst idea ever to inject some of that live tissue into her upper lip.  Now… If anyone needs me, I’ll be driving the bus to h*ll.

15. Calling it now: Courtney Thorne Smith’s doppelgänger is gonna boil a bunny in his kitchen by Week 3.  With a side of onions.

16. Prediction: The Incredible Hulk – the chick that kept kissing her flexed bicep – is going to crush him between her thighs by Week 2.

17. “There 15 girls here, and that’s 14 more than I usually date at one time” = best thing he’s ever said.  God bless America, I love him.

18. Kaitlin absolutely frightens me beyond belief.  Mostly because I think she might have a few people chopped up in the basement freezer.  And did she seriously say, “You can plow the ^$%# out of my field anytime?”  Oh, my.  My BFF aka Chris’ mom has to be blushing back on the farm.

19. Love these gals.  And if the Midwest had a signature haircut, this would be it.

20. Did they pull ALL these girls from the Disney Princess Collection?  Good Lord, they’re all stunning.

21. I don’t even remember who said it, but “I would rather chew glass and wash it down with a bag of hair” = the best line in bachelor history.  EVER.

That’s all I got for this week!  What did I miss?  And who are you guys pulling for? Also.  Just to keep it real and level the playing field since I poked some fun at some of these chicks (who I’m certain are lovely people in real life), this is what I look like right when I wake up in the morning.  You’re welcome.

PS: To catch up on last season’s shenanigans: Bachelor Candor Comes to Covet | Bachelorette Recap Week 2 | Boys II Men, B-Ball & Eric |  Bachelorette Recap: Venice | Bachelorette Recap: Hometowns

xoxo,