House Beautiful

Bachelor Recap: Olivia is Going to Swallow Everyone.

Hey Girls & Boys!  Sorry for the delay.  My golden retriever aka the coolest dog in the world had minor surgery yesterday – which he came out of a little stitched up but just fine… I, on the other hand, seriously needed to be medicated.  How do people with kids even watch them get shots??  PS did y’all know Gus has his own insta??  #gusgusforpresident


Onto Monday night’s train wreck…

1.  I said it yesterday and I’ll say it again: Dude close your mouth. And somebody check that girl’s molars – cuz I guarantee there are 17 mosquitoes and 75 lightning bugs trapped back there.

olivia and cameron diaz

Also, makeup is a miraculous thing.  I almost didn’t recognize her.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.24.19 AM

2. “Ben is the GREATEST bachelor on the PLANET of HISTORY…” Um, say what now?  Did they not offer English 101 at Caesar’s Palace University?  But yo.  I don’t disagree with her.  AND (gulp), I can’t remember which one but I remember thinking last night that one of the twins was actually really sweet.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.10.05 AM

3.  Chris Harrison dressed as the nerdy principal??  HAAAAAAAAAAA.  I cackled.  REAL loud.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.16.12 AM

4.  “I will not murder Lace but she may very tactfully disappear” = BAHAHHAHAHA. My $’s on GI Jubilee.  And she takes the cake so far for the ballsy one-liners and calling everything like she sees it.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.17.38 AM

5.  Didn’t these girls get a geography lesson when Tom Hanks pulled down the map for Jonah in Sleepless in Seattle? Oh wait. That movie came out before these chicks were born.  But seriously.  Weren’t they just in social studies class like 10 minutes ago??  Get it together kids.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.18.02 AM

6.  When Chris said, “let’s settle it on the track,” I literally almost hopped off my barstool and suited up right there.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.18.34 AM

This was me when I was their age.  Step aside, floozies.

Burris vball

7.  Is Heather Graham part Kenyan??  Good LAWWWWD.  And why is Amber jogging?

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.18.52 AM

8.  This poor girl is her own worst enemy.  I’ve never witnessed anyone dig their own grave as fast as Lace did this week.. She’d have better luck if she just sat back, batted her eyes and never (EVER) opened her mouth.  I don’t know if I’ve ever felt embarrassed for a villain on this show before, but I legit feel bad for the girl.  She can’t even help herself.

digging grave

9.  I don’t see her making it much further, but at least she has a promising future as a Neutrogena model.  Dang girl.

neutrogena model

10. So listen.  I’m not crazy about this whole situation called Becca being back this season, but I DO have major hair envy.  And I also give her props for the move of pulling him aside to shoot hoops barefoot.  Well played.

becca tilley

11.  Ben + Jo Jo 4-eva. Love it and love her.  I’m putting BIG MONEY on her.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.42.46 AM

PS were Jo Jo & Isla Fisher actually separated at birth?

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.00.10 AM

12. Hands-down the best part of the show:  (Question: What’s the most romantic thing you’ve ever done for a woman?)… Kevin Hart: “I cook some fried chicken one time in the crock pot. And thas coo.”

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.56.00 AM

13.  She’s sweet as pie but I can’t take her seriously as a contender for Ben.  Like, I wanna invite her to my slumber parties and have her braid my hair and give her a pair of Hello Kitty pajamas for Christmas and maybe a Best Friends necklace, but for some reason I can’t see them together.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.55.05 AM


Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.08.44 AM

15. I’d rather sh*t twice and die than have anyone smell me right after I get off the treadmill.. the end.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.13.56 AM

They didn’t need to announce who had the lowest score.  That was unnecessarily cruel and salt in the wound after the “sour” comment.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.13.48 AM

16.  Girlfriend’s profession is “twin”? Are we serious about life right now??


17.  Are Lace and Lucifer in LL BEAN related?  No for real.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 9.24.42 AM

18.  How SWEET was he to Squeaky??  Who btw is totally growing on me – she’s a good girl.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.29.00 AM

But for real… he is SUPER sweet and so endearing.  I’m *legitimately* convinced he’s in love with each of them whenever he’s talking to them because he makes each of them feel like the most important person in the world and the only person who’s there.  Which means they’re all in trouble.  I have no idea how he remembers all their names, let alone remembers things about them and asks questions and conveys genuine interest in each of them.  Best Bachelor, Ever.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.16.44 AM

19.  Dear LB: I’ll take your spot.  Cuz girl you so crazy.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 9.12.22 AM

20.  Lauren is super sweet.  They let some looney tunes on this year – e.g. the Chicken Lady, the Donkey Lady, LACE, etc – which I guess they have to for ratings’ sake, but there are some good eggs here too.  Did you hear what she said?? “Even if I had to go home tonight I’d be bummed, but at least I know I learned a lot about myself and made some really good friends.”  I love her.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 8.52.55 AM

21.  Dear Amber: You’re 30 and this is your 4th Bachelor series run.  You’re the Blanche Devereux of this season and the Chris Bukowski (ew) of Bachelor world.  So I love you, but stop complaining like a little Sally and go talk to him.  All the kids are doin’ it – no reason why you can’t.


22.  I mean… it’s not outside the realm of possibilities.

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 9.21.45 AM

23.  Ew.


(Cue the Cyndi Lauper): “I see your truuuuuuuuuuuue cahhhlllahhhrrrs shiiiiining through!” #eldiablo

Screen Shot 2016-01-13 at 7.38.52 AM


All I got!  Have a great rest of the week!


Steph's Scanned Signature



5 Responses to “Bachelor Recap: Olivia is Going to Swallow Everyone.”

  • I legit only logged 40 mins. of viewing time because I wanted to put my fist through a few heads. This season has a high voltage reading on the twit-ometer. I’ll take a sedative and give it another shot next week. But the boy is a cutie patootie, I’ll give you that.

    • In the light of morning the punch comment was way harsh. But there’s something about a bunch of wingnuts whining that brings out the nasty.

  • You’re so spot-on with your commentary that I need only say….”Yeah. That.” Seriously thought it all. Almost. Okay, well, didn’t see #17 until you pointed it out but….dang!! Did NOT recognize Olivia without makeup. At all. Had to rewind. Caila is poorly suited for the show/Ben. Feel super bad for Sam. #meanies. Amanda?/Squeaky….sweetie pie. Probably doesn’t have it in her to fight to the end, but I like her. Twins? I don’t like either one of them. #suemeIdontlikedumb Jo-Jo for the win (so far).

  • I just want to say that I watched this commentary again before tonight’s episode. because it is epic. that is all.

  • ps -by watched obvs, i meant, read. now i sound like one of this year’s contestants. caesar’s palace u. god that’s awesome.

Leave a Reply