House Beautiful

Bachelor Nick, Week 1: Parting the Red Sea (of dresses)


Whaaaatt’s up Bachelor people?!?  Sorry bout hibernating during Jojo’s season and falling off the Bach blogging map… truth be told (gulp), I don’t always watch the show anymore and scarcely have time to blog about it when I do, but I DO miss spitballing with you guys for sport (!), so I’ll do my best this season to tune in on Mondays and then sling some funnies around on Tuesday mornings.  Sound good? (Link to previous posts HERE)

First of all… let’s talk about Nick.  Since I’m all about redemption and seventeenth chances and all, I’m gonna pull for the kid this year.  He has grown on me.  Two years ago (circa Andi’s season), the mere sight of those freshly-chewed-on-rocks toofs creeping out from under that cocky smirk + his toddler antics ALMOST made me chuck a Tory Burch ballet flat through the TV.  Instead, I’d take out my aggression on the blog by giving him doppelgängers like these:


Sorry bud.  However, I think he does seem to have grown up and shed a few immature, unsavory layers, and what SEEMS to remain is a more raw, genuine version of the guy.  Perhaps that’s what happens when you’re humbled by heartbreak and humiliation on national television 3x in a row – you get stripped down to what’s closer to your core.  Whatever the case, I’m on board.  Now.. before we tee off with candid observations from last night’s premiere, I gotta bust Nick’s fruit basket for a quick sec, just for fun:

1. We get it dude.  You’ve been workin out – and kudos to you, cuz the bod looks SOLID.  I know for a fact that a few of my girlfriends are stewing in their soiled drawers over his new washboards. But a word to the wise: a hot bod still NEVER MAKES IT OK TO WEAR CAP SLEEVE TEES FROM GAP KIDS. Like, ever.


2. One thing that hasn’t changed over the years: he still blasts the left side of his weave every morning with his blowdryer.  It looks like a helicopter lands there about 2x/day.  I can’t figure it out.


3. “The funny thing about Nick is that he comes across as this GIANT tool bag” = one of the funnier things Sean Lowe has ever said. He’s also kind of hilarious on insta if you follow him.  


4. I spy 2 pairs of loins aflame over at Table 12 in the background.  


Also, I forgot about Farmer Panty Dropper’s funny dolphin laugh.  What’s he doing these days besides plowing soybeans & corn & prob every chick in Iowa – anybody know?  


5. Rachel is my MVP of the night.  Kudos to ABC for casting a contestant over the age of 12 this season.  And a smart, confident (yet most importantly, humble) one at that.  


Also, props on the wingbacks GF.  She’s got good taste. 


On a superficial note, I’m SORT OF dying to part her hair anywhere besides right down the middle. But I also wanna be besties with her, and that’s the sort of solid besties do ya.


6. Vanessa -the Francophile / Special Needs Teacher is also a solid chick.  I can see her going the distance.


6.5. The Nail lady aka Vanessa Minillo is a stunner.  And doesn’t *seem* like she’ll turn out to be a crazy slut bag, but people, the season is young and ya never can tell.  


7. The (air quotes, pronounced in slow-mo) “nur-sing stu-dent” aka the girl who I’m pretty sure just dressed up as a nurse for Halloween should ask her homegirl Vanessa Manillo to hook her up with a mani.  


And a set of new extensions.  Signed, I’ll be driving the bus to hockeysticks aka h*ll if anyone needs me. But for real, she’s straight off the Funny Farm.

8. I spy a villain.


Slash, who over the age of 7 still has a “Nanny” at their beck & call to bring them Scooby snacks??


I would describe myself as a very serious business woman” = I spit out my coffee this morning when she said that.  Daddy letting you update your FB status from his leather office chair does not a CEO make. Also, I don’t know any woman who allegedly runs a multi-million dollar company yet still lives at home.  But don’t listen to me – listen to Fortune magazine – who noted that they couldn’t even figure out what it was she actually does, except that she did seem to be an aspiring model.


9. If Corinne is a CEO, then I’m next in line to be Queen and Jersey Girl is a Dolphin.  I don’t remember everything from my ‘Boycott Tuna / Save the Dolphins” stint as an aspiring marine biologist in the 4th grade, but I CAN promise you that dolphins don’t have gills.  That said – bahfhdahhaha – how could you not love her?  What a loon.


I about died when she started swimming in the pool and making dolphin calls for him.


Also, this. She and I should probably be friends.


10. I also thought the ‘Runner-Up’ reference / entrance was cute.  She’s adorable, and doesn’t seem like a whack job.


11. The back of Melania Trump’s dress was gorgeous.


12. HOW DOES HE NOT REMEMBER SOMEONE WHO’S GARAGE HE PARKED HIS CAR IN??  I would’ve turned around and been like, imma get back in this limo cyyyyyaaaaaaa and flown the bird out the window.


Maybe it was outta context; who knows.  I can’t tell if it just took him a stitch to remember her, or if someone (e.g. a producer) tipped him off.  In any case: a) She’s a cute girl – I’ll be interested to see how that pans out //  b) I felt like she was trying to air out her top set of chompers, cuz I scarcely saw a lip covering those bad boys – even when she was talking, and that takes talent… Ace Ventura caliber talent.


c) Can’t figure out why he has a chip on his shoulder about her not tracking him down and calling him after they took a spin in the sheets at Jade & Tanner’s wedding?  “Jade had my number – you could’ve asked for it” = uhhh, door swings both ways, Count Chocula.  Ever heard of the chase?  

13. Introducing the Cruise Ship Singers on Ice collection – available at your local David’s Bridal. 

THE BACHELOR - Episode 2101 - What do a dolphin-loving woman, a successful businesswoman who runs her parents multi-million -dollar flooring empire;, a bachelorette, who is hiding a big secret about her past involving Nick, and a no-nonsense Southern belle, who has Nick in her cross-hairs for a big country wedding, all have in common? They all have their sights set on making the Bachelor, Nick Viall, their future husband when the much-anticipated 21th edition of ABC's hit romance reality series, "The Bachelor," premieres, MONDAY, JANUARY 2 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (Rick Rowell/ABC via Getty Images) RAVEN, NICK VIALL

14. The chick who was like, “OMG I’m not gonna get picked and it’s because I wore red and ALL THE OTHER GIRLS WORE RED so I blended in” is right up there with the “he didn’t love me because I didn’t have as good a body as so-and-so” kind of crazy talk that makes me want to ram my head through a wall.  Please see #18 below.


15. What’s with all the waterworks on night 1??  Suck it up, campers!  There’s no crying in baseball and there’s DEF no reason to cry on night 1 because he’s not talking to you when you have been hiding under the dining room table too scared to talk to him.  Slash, maybe the poor girls are just emotional and hangry, cuz did you see the rose ceremony was at daylight??  I guarantee ABC supplied them with a fountain of champagne and 3 carrot sticks to split between all 30 of ’em for dinner.

16. The dolphin shark is an ever-so-slight Jade Roper doppelgänger.


17. Dear Bachelor Set Decorators: Ikat is over. Has been for ages. Let’s move on.


18. Last and (I thought) the most poignant moment of the show was Lauren’s exit.  Because although she was understandably bummed, instead of following in the footsteps of so many cast-offs before her and pulling an: “OHMYGODWHYAMINOTGOODENOUGH, NO ONE LOVES ME AND I’M GOING TO LET NOT BEING GIVEN A ROSE SLAUGHTER MY SELF-ESTEEM FOR LIFE,” she was like, ‘…you know what, he seems super genuine, but I just think I haven’t met the right one… I can tell you this – I know my worth and need to start finding guys who recognize that – I’m a great gf and someday I’ll be a great wife.”  Amen.  It was the smartest couple of sentences I’ve ever heard anyone on the show utter.


That’s all I got!


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12 Responses to “Bachelor Nick, Week 1: Parting the Red Sea (of dresses)”

  • Glad you’re back! I have to admit that every JoJo season week, I’d look for your words of wisdom! Most of these girls are nuts. Is anyone concerned about parents watching their shenanigans anymore? Looking forward to another season of mayhem and madness!

  • Ditto to what Sloane said! I kept hoping you’d do a recap every week during JoJo’s season. Keep these coming. Also, do snark on the ‘platinum vagine’ comment. WTF was that?

  • Thank goodness you’re back. Jojo’s season wasn’t the same without you. I enjoyed your blurb and I read this BEFORE watching it– I know, I know, shame on me. Two kids has me sacked. Also, I’m with Sloane on this one, does no one worry about their mother OR grandmother watching their less than southern manners way? Keep it up Buttercup! xxo

  • SO GLAD TO HAVE YOUR BACHELOR BLOG BACK!!! Thank you for the laughs.

  • I don’t know….I’m not *totally* convinced that they slept together at the wedding. Sure they hooked up but I get the feeling that she’s making it out to be more than it was. Maybe I’m wrong but her story seems a little inconsistent and like she’s trying to make it be something when it really wasn’t. Here’s hoping she goes home soon….I think she’s playing him.
    I’m definitely hoping for the best for him. It is his turn for a good outcome! Glad to have you back, dollface!!! Loves and smooches, oreos and wine!!!

  • I join those before me with a great, big Hello and Welcome Back! Nick-a-Doo is still a little too “Gosh, Aunt Bee” for me but I’ll watch because you’re here.

  • Happy to see your laugh-out-loud Bachelor recap is back!

  • Can’t wait for this tomorrow night!

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