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Bachelor Nick, Week 1: Parting the Red Sea (of dresses)


Whaaaatt’s up Bachelor people?!?  Sorry bout hibernating during Jojo’s season and falling off the Bach blogging map… truth be told (gulp), I don’t always watch the show anymore and scarcely have time to blog about it when I do, but I DO miss spitballing with you guys for sport (!), so I’ll do my best this season to tune in on Mondays and then sling some funnies around on Tuesday mornings.  Sound good? (Link to previous posts HERE)

First of all… let’s talk about Nick.  Since I’m all about redemption and seventeenth chances and all, I’m gonna pull for the kid this year.  He has grown on me.  Two years ago (circa Andi’s season), the mere sight of those freshly-chewed-on-rocks toofs creeping out from under that cocky smirk + his toddler antics ALMOST made me chuck a Tory Burch ballet flat through the TV.  Instead, I’d take out my aggression on the blog by giving him doppelgängers like these:


Sorry bud.  However, I think he does seem to have grown up and shed a few immature, unsavory layers, and what SEEMS to remain is a more raw, genuine version of the guy.  Perhaps that’s what happens when you’re humbled by heartbreak and humiliation on national television 3x in a row – you get stripped down to what’s closer to your core.  Whatever the case, I’m on board.  Now.. before we tee off with candid observations from last night’s premiere, I gotta bust Nick’s fruit basket for a quick sec, just for fun:

1. We get it dude.  You’ve been workin out – and kudos to you, cuz the bod looks SOLID.  I know for a fact that a few of my girlfriends are stewing in their soiled drawers over his new washboards. But a word to the wise: a hot bod still NEVER MAKES IT OK TO WEAR CAP SLEEVE TEES FROM GAP KIDS. Like, ever.


2. One thing that hasn’t changed over the years: he still blasts the left side of his weave every morning with his blowdryer.  It looks like a helicopter lands there about 2x/day.  I can’t figure it out.


3. “The funny thing about Nick is that he comes across as this GIANT tool bag” = one of the funnier things Sean Lowe has ever said. He’s also kind of hilarious on insta if you follow him.  


4. I spy 2 pairs of loins aflame over at Table 12 in the background.  


Also, I forgot about Farmer Panty Dropper’s funny dolphin laugh.  What’s he doing these days besides plowing soybeans & corn & prob every chick in Iowa – anybody know?  


5. Rachel is my MVP of the night.  Kudos to ABC for casting a contestant over the age of 12 this season.  And a smart, confident (yet most importantly, humble) one at that.  


Also, props on the wingbacks GF.  She’s got good taste. 


On a superficial note, I’m SORT OF dying to part her hair anywhere besides right down the middle. But I also wanna be besties with her, and that’s the sort of solid besties do ya.


6. Vanessa -the Francophile / Special Needs Teacher is also a solid chick.  I can see her going the distance.


6.5. The Nail lady aka Vanessa Minillo is a stunner.  And doesn’t *seem* like she’ll turn out to be a crazy slut bag, but people, the season is young and ya never can tell.  


7. The (air quotes, pronounced in slow-mo) “nur-sing stu-dent” aka the girl who I’m pretty sure just dressed up as a nurse for Halloween should ask her homegirl Vanessa Manillo to hook her up with a mani.  


And a set of new extensions.  Signed, I’ll be driving the bus to hockeysticks aka h*ll if anyone needs me. But for real, she’s straight off the Funny Farm.

8. I spy a villain.


Slash, who over the age of 7 still has a “Nanny” at their beck & call to bring them Scooby snacks??


I would describe myself as a very serious business woman” = I spit out my coffee this morning when she said that.  Daddy letting you update your FB status from his leather office chair does not a CEO make. Also, I don’t know any woman who allegedly runs a multi-million dollar company yet still lives at home.  But don’t listen to me – listen to Fortune magazine – who noted that they couldn’t even figure out what it was she actually does, except that she did seem to be an aspiring model.


9. If Corinne is a CEO, then I’m next in line to be Queen and Jersey Girl is a Dolphin.  I don’t remember everything from my ‘Boycott Tuna / Save the Dolphins” stint as an aspiring marine biologist in the 4th grade, but I CAN promise you that dolphins don’t have gills.  That said – bahfhdahhaha – how could you not love her?  What a loon.


I about died when she started swimming in the pool and making dolphin calls for him.


Also, this. She and I should probably be friends.


10. I also thought the ‘Runner-Up’ reference / entrance was cute.  She’s adorable, and doesn’t seem like a whack job.


11. The back of Melania Trump’s dress was gorgeous.


12. HOW DOES HE NOT REMEMBER SOMEONE WHO’S GARAGE HE PARKED HIS CAR IN??  I would’ve turned around and been like, imma get back in this limo cyyyyyaaaaaaa and flown the bird out the window.


Maybe it was outta context; who knows.  I can’t tell if it just took him a stitch to remember her, or if someone (e.g. a producer) tipped him off.  In any case: a) She’s a cute girl – I’ll be interested to see how that pans out //  b) I felt like she was trying to air out her top set of chompers, cuz I scarcely saw a lip covering those bad boys – even when she was talking, and that takes talent… Ace Ventura caliber talent.


c) Can’t figure out why he has a chip on his shoulder about her not tracking him down and calling him after they took a spin in the sheets at Jade & Tanner’s wedding?  “Jade had my number – you could’ve asked for it” = uhhh, door swings both ways, Count Chocula.  Ever heard of the chase?  

13. Introducing the Cruise Ship Singers on Ice collection – available at your local David’s Bridal. 

THE BACHELOR - Episode 2101 - What do a dolphin-loving woman, a successful businesswoman who runs her parents multi-million -dollar flooring empire;, a bachelorette, who is hiding a big secret about her past involving Nick, and a no-nonsense Southern belle, who has Nick in her cross-hairs for a big country wedding, all have in common? They all have their sights set on making the Bachelor, Nick Viall, their future husband when the much-anticipated 21th edition of ABC's hit romance reality series, "The Bachelor," premieres, MONDAY, JANUARY 2 (8:00-10:01 p.m., ET), on the ABC Television Network. (Rick Rowell/ABC via Getty Images) RAVEN, NICK VIALL

14. The chick who was like, “OMG I’m not gonna get picked and it’s because I wore red and ALL THE OTHER GIRLS WORE RED so I blended in” is right up there with the “he didn’t love me because I didn’t have as good a body as so-and-so” kind of crazy talk that makes me want to ram my head through a wall.  Please see #18 below.


15. What’s with all the waterworks on night 1??  Suck it up, campers!  There’s no crying in baseball and there’s DEF no reason to cry on night 1 because he’s not talking to you when you have been hiding under the dining room table too scared to talk to him.  Slash, maybe the poor girls are just emotional and hangry, cuz did you see the rose ceremony was at daylight??  I guarantee ABC supplied them with a fountain of champagne and 3 carrot sticks to split between all 30 of ’em for dinner.

16. The dolphin shark is an ever-so-slight Jade Roper doppelgänger.


17. Dear Bachelor Set Decorators: Ikat is over. Has been for ages. Let’s move on.


18. Last and (I thought) the most poignant moment of the show was Lauren’s exit.  Because although she was understandably bummed, instead of following in the footsteps of so many cast-offs before her and pulling an: “OHMYGODWHYAMINOTGOODENOUGH, NO ONE LOVES ME AND I’M GOING TO LET NOT BEING GIVEN A ROSE SLAUGHTER MY SELF-ESTEEM FOR LIFE,” she was like, ‘…you know what, he seems super genuine, but I just think I haven’t met the right one… I can tell you this – I know my worth and need to start finding guys who recognize that – I’m a great gf and someday I’ll be a great wife.”  Amen.  It was the smartest couple of sentences I’ve ever heard anyone on the show utter.


That’s all I got!


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Bach Finale Recap

1.  First of all, can we please get on an Oscar-esque schedule for the finale so we’re all on the same page?  Cuz every 2.7 minutes I get an “OMG NO HE JUST DIH-N’T” text from my East Coast / Midwest homies, but HAVE NO IDEA WHAT’S GOING ON. Though my fave is when I get a high-larious FaceTime call from my homegirl Sheena back in C-bus on Monday nights, who used to be a staple at my Bach night parties. Hey girl heeeeeey!  a) She’s gonna kill me for posting this, and b) If I weren’t me I’d kill me too, cuz look at the pipe cleaner afro puffs she caught me with.


2.  Ben’s parents are sweet as pie Indiana sweet corn.  God love um.  Did you see his mom holding Lauren’s hand??  I die.

Holding Hands

3.  Lauren asking Ben’s mom how she could best help him as a partner might be the best question any contestant has ever asked a parent.

Lauren Question

4.  In other news, congrats to Mrs. Ben who is now obviously repping Kirkland brands and single-handedly bringing back the Bermuda short.  Guarantee there’s a Higgins-themed special going on in aisle 5 right now at Costco thanks to her.


5.  Ben obviously threw a pair in every color of the rainbow in the cart (did you see the Marsala pair??)  Though his Bermudas are from the kids’ section, cuz every episode he’s legit ONE THIN MINT AWAY from his crown jewels busting the seam of those things.

Bermuda Ben

6.  Uh, that’s not what I look like when I get outta the pool.  Just sayin.


7.  “I can’t promise it’ll be easy, but it’ll be worth it.”  Sweet, and gyah is it true.  I could write a whole dissertation on that line & relationships today… but another day cuz right now we’re biz-ay.

8.  I’m so confused every time Ben says that he and Jojo have “made it through some rough times.”  I’m sorry but does her Douche Lord of an ex-boyfriend leaving a voicemail constitute a rough time?

9.  I’ve been pulling for Lauren all along, but man, Jojo was nipping at her heels as my pick this episode… mostly cuz she just seemed so loving and genuine…



…but ALSO because he seemed SO into her.

Goo goo jojo

Though I can’t tell if it was more lust than love and if he was just packin’ a super chub in his Bermudas and dying to doink her one last time.  Also – Jojo’s always been cute but when did she morph into a total smoke show???  Good LAWD girl.  Get it.


10.  PS did you guys see this on Jojo’s Insta?  Hilarious.


11.  Speaking of Instagram, you guys should follow Lauren’s.  It’s a sea of gorgeous, dreamy coastal eye candy and uplifting quotes & shiz.  Jojo’s is aight but it’s more a sea of selfies.


12.  This is not my observation – it’s my homegirl Betsy’s from last night – but oh-so-true: did you notice how Lauren never ONCE used her time to focus on anything else but them / never once asked Ben about Jojo or how he felt about her? Confidence, girl.  Way to keep your eye on the ball – Bravo.

13.  Introducing Miss Texas 1992, wearing the Dreamsicle dress from the Ice Capades Collection for JC Penney.  I mean, not to take anything away from her cuz she’s a stunner, but I thought this aged her and that she could done better.

ice capades

14.  Super sweet.  Love um.

sweet sweeter sweetest

14.5.  Quick segue: I’d like to take this opportunity to make sure our girl Leah just saw that proposal – and to shout through my megaphone to her, and to Mean Girls the world over – cuz it shows to go ya, y’old slampigs: Nice Girls Finish First and CHEATERS.NEVER.WIN.

Screen Shot 2016-03-15 at 11.49.55 AM

Also, did he just call her dad and ask for his blessing??  The sweetest.  Reason #986 why I love him.

call dad

15.  And here’s one reason I wanna slap his wrist: y’all know I think he’s the best bachelor ever / generally love everything he says & does and the way he carries himself, but WAS it necessary to be so haughty and condescending during ATFS, and to tell Jojo how much he’s risen above his relationship with her (I’m paraphrasing but y’all remember).  Like, dude, twist the knife and rub some salt in there why dontcha. I’m all about showing loyalty to his fiancé, but I’m confused what warranted that, unless he’s overcorrecting for floundering so much in the final days of the show.  (FACE PALM), who’s the genius running this guy’s PR?  On that note, whoever’s running Jojo’s is doing a BANG-UP job.  Girlfriend couldn’t have been more gracious or well-spoken.


16. She’s never looked better.

jojo never better

17.  Nor has she.


18.  He, on the other hand, has definitely looked better.  Who’s styling sweet Ben?  Mr. Veslack / my 3rd grade music teacher who never left the 70’s?

ben's outfit

19.  Did y’all see Ricky Schroder in the audience?? #silverspoons in the house!


20.  Amazing.


21.  Praise sweet baby Jesus that we don’t have to watch Hello Kitty on the Disney Afternoon Prime Time every Monday, because I would’ve OD’d on saccharin and Bubble Yum in the first 10 minutes, then boycotted the whole season.  If they do a Sweet Valley High edition I will TOTALLY pull for her, but still never watch.  Also, Jojo will KILL IT as the Bachelorette.  I feel like any dude that was watching last night probably got a running start for the Next Entertainment casting office the second they made the announcement.  I mean, c’mon.


22.  Silver Lining?!  …We’ll get to go another coupla rounds with Tony-in-the-tight-shirt and the Lisping Pastor.  Think he’ll be able to nix his lisp before next season?? OHMYGODDIDISAYTHATOUTLOUDORJUSTINMYHEAD?? #whoooops


23.  Sweet but unnecessary.  Though if I were him and my fiancé’s parents had just watched me tell another girl I was in love with her 10 seconds before I proposed to their daughter and about a week after I’d buzzoinked 3 girls in 3 nights, I’d prob take a knee too.


That’s all I got Campers!!!!  Happy Tuesday to you!  Until next season… or, until Bachelor in Paradise, which should be a LEGIT train wreck.  Can’t wait.


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