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Bachelor Week 6: Ding Dong the Witch is Dead!

What up kids?!  Happy Tuesday!  Let’s get this party started.

1.  EL DIABLO.  (Or is it Diab-la?  …Hangonhangon – I don’t have a Masters degree.  Lemme go ask Ashley.)


2.  The part where Ashley asked whomever was behind the camera if they had actual paperwork on Kelsey’s husband’s death = her first redeeming, legit act as a make-believe Journalist.  Ya little fact checker you!  Proud of ya.


3.  That glimmer of hope for her budding brain waves was squashed 3 seconds later when she said “(Kelsey) just wants to make Chris feel worse ABOUT her” and I’m *pretty* sure she meant “FOR” her.  Meh – potato/potatoe.  Slash, Ashley may as well have just taken the money she her parents spent on that prestigious Masters degree and lit it on fire.

4.  Britt is a Care Bear.  Just give it up and have a normal reaction to Kelsey’s shenanigans like the rest of us normal folk.  E.g. Meghan.  (Love her.)

real v care bear

5.  Best line of the night: “It’s not about your sad story anymore, it’s about you being a shitty human being.”  PREACH, sista!  Amen.


6.  If I have to hear her say she’s “earned it” one more time, or that her husband is dead and that makes her a REAL woman, or that she’s above everyone else, I’m seriously going to take a blow torch to her entire frumpy LL Bean Limited Edition Puritan Collection wardrobe.

jasmine v pochohontas

7.  Does Britt shop exclusively at the Limited Too?  …It’s a legitimate question.

limited too

8.  I call this series: “MFEO.”  They’re in love.  Game over.  Look at him look at her. #beccaorbust


they're in love

9.  Absolutely tone deaf and so adorable I can’t take it.

adorable and tone deaf

10.  I mean, DAYUM girl.  That was amazing.  And what Kaitlyn said about sitting back and wanting to root for them for a second was so on point.  As is almost everything she says… And now I feel bad for talking about her lazy eye in Week 1.  In other news…  Carly is adorable.  And so are her itsy bitsy teeny weeny carny hands.


11.  Wow.  I’m jealous and if I were any of the girls who got left behind for 2 hours while this was going on, I probably would’ve been boo-hoo-ing, too.  Also… if Britt hasn’t showered in weeks, then Chris better steer clear of her undercarriage, cuz it has to smell like a homeless man’s underpants by now.


12.  This looks like the most fun, EVER.

hee haw

13.  C’mon now…  who WEARS this?  Also… somebody feed this poor girl cuz she hasn’t eaten since Coachella last year Woodstock.

who wears that
14.  Watching the battle of Princess Jasmine vs. Pochahontas go down was AMAZING… especially the part when the Journalist went off on El Diablo and pulled rank, à la: “I may not use big words but I have a Masters degree, too… and from like, a good place.”



15.  Ashley does have a great stomach – I gotta hand it to her.  But that is because any fat that ever would’ve padded her midsection sank and has taken up residence in her giant cankles. It’s out there, I said it (!!!^#$@*!) and I’ve been DYING to say it since Week 2 but holding my tongue.  Phew.  If anyone needs me, I’ll be driving the bus to hell.  Actually; I’m riding shotgun.  Kelsey’s driving.

16.  Timeout.  Let’s give Chris some quick props for the great DILF sweater.

j v p

17.  I call this one “Poetic Justice.”  AUF WIEDERSEHEN, hookers!  Slash Tarantulashes had the maturity level / IQ level of an 8-year old and was certainly not the sharpest knife in the drawer, and I also might’ve stabbed myself in the eyeball with said knife if she’d stayed on another week, but she was relatively harmless. Kelsey was straight lethal.  Hey – if you don’t believe me, just ask her husband.


18.  I call this series DING DONG THE WITCH IS DEAD / hold up girls, I’m comin’ over!  I love all of them.  The exact same scene literally went down in my living room last night with all my girls who were here in their sweatpants with bells on & vino in hand.










Who’s pumped for next week when Britt has some kind of meltdown in the cornfield, hopefully sweet Becca makes more strides towards walking down the aisle with Chris, and Jade tells Chris that she + her inflatable labia posed for Playboy??  I can’t WAIT.


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Bachelor Week 5: Driving the Minivan to Hell


Tiiiiiiiimeouttimeouttimeout…  Before we even launch into this week’s lunacy, may I please retract last week’s sugary statement about how wholesome and unassuming Jade was?  Cuz SOMEBODY inbox’d me Jason Biggs’ tweet, which was a bare nekkid remnant from Cinderella’s Jade’s stint in the porn industry, and it was more of anyone’s she-vittles than I *ever* needed to see…   (PARENTS THE WORLD OVER, I WOULD NOT CLICK THAT LINK IF I WERE YOU, UNLESS YOU WANT TO BE SCARRED FOR LIFE…)  Pretty sure I washed my eyeballs out with soap afterward.  Because I am Little Bo Peep.

steph as a kiddo

Alright.  Onto Week 5.  Here we go:

1. Can I get a big round of applause for ABC, who graciously treated sweet Meghan to her VERY first, all-expense-paid trip to the tropical, foreign beaches of Santa Fe, New Mexico??  Now in all seriousness…  I get why the girls have to take the Myers Briggs test, STD tests and the psych tests before they come on the show.   But just fer sh*ts & giggles:  somebody throw a spelling, geography or math test in the mix. And maybe check to see if everyone spells her own name right, just for good measure.  That said… I still love her.  I can’t help it.  The chick is hilarious.


2. I am so uncomfortable I can’t stand it.  Gus and I hid under the couch in unison with earmuffs and blinders on.  Watching Chris & Carly play strip yoga might actually be THE only thing worse than being forced to watch porn sitting sandwiched between your parents.  And by porn, naturally I mean Jade.


3.  “It’s called heart, um….  Oh yeah-yeah.  I remember: ‘congestive heart failure.'”  I have no words… except to say I think it’s in almost as poor taste for me to say that I think she may’ve put Clorox in her husband’s coffee as it is for her to talk about his passing with a nonchalant grin on her face and the giddy excitement of someone who thinks she’s about to make it big on TV.  She scares the everliving bejesus out of me.

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4.  God bless her.  I’m tryin to throw my girl Meg a bone, but she makes it really tough when she says things like, “the first thing I thought were…”  My guess is she’s been hanging out with Tarantulashes for one rose ceremony too many.


5.  Jade’s overboard!!  Wait, Chris honey she doesn’t need your help!  She has magical inflatable lady bits in her shorts!  If you don’t know what I’m talking about, kindly refer to #1.


6.  Aw Jordan.  I admire her for coming back all sober and humble.  I didn’t even recognize her.


7.  Ohmigod.  Ashley & I like, TOTALLY have the same outfit on!  Except I haven’t worn a shirt dress shirt that small since I was 18 months old.  #marriagematerial right there, folks.  Look Ma, no pants!

Ashley and Stephanie as a Fat Baby

8. Best, most gracious and respectful reaction ever to Jordan crashing the group date.  I love her, and I’m friending her in real life in San Diego.  If he picks her or Whitney in the end, everything will be right in the world.


9.  GYAH.  Someone put all of us out of our misery and send this girl back to jersey.  “I was SO mind-boggled” might’ve been her best work this week.  I can’t wait until “The Women Tell All” when she tells us all how she was like, totally misunderstood this season and that the producers like, edited everything to make her look SEH. BAHD.



10. “I don’t think Ashley is pretending to be anything she’s not, and that’s the scary thing” = RIGHT on point, said my girl the high-pitched baby whisperer.  She’s like the queen of the artfully diplomatic dig.


11.  If ever you had any doubts about what Whitney just said about Tarantulashes, just take a gander… Anybody have any questions?

What a gem

12. Seriously?  The “I’ve never seen fire before!” reaction and the hopscotch Mouseketeer meltdown a whole *10 minutes* after we almost had to call the Wambulance over her lifelong phobia of heights?  …I call phoney baloney.  Also, if she doesn’t close her mouth, she’s gonna catch every bug in New Mexico.  Which is actually right next to Uruguay, you know.  Just ask my girl Meghan.

Screen Shot 2015-02-02 at 11.34.49 PM

13.  Now listen.  I’m not suggesting Kelsey pull an Ashley and show up in baby clothes that scarcely cover her moose knuckle, but if it had been me and I were about to go in for the kill with Chris, I PROBABLY wouldn’t have gotten decked out in my best LL Bean Soccer Mom get-up and popped Shirley Temple hot rollers in my hair ‘fore I traipsed over to his room.  Just sayin’.  But hey – I gotta give it to her.  She’s one pretty pilgrim.


14.  Kelsey may *look* like cross between Olive Oil and a Pilgrim… but this chick actually might be Lucifer, with the personality of a piece of Melba Toast.  For the record, these were the faces she was making as she actually spoke the words: “Isn’t my story tragic story so AMAZING?  I love my story.” While smiling.  It made my insides curdle.

IMG_6355 IMG_6356 IMG_6359

15.  This is what Gus thinks of Kelsey, and the feigned panic attack (eye roll) that flung the rose ceremony into next week….


…Oz has spoken.

Have a great week, kids!!

Steph's Scanned Signature